Page 50 of Devoted Enough

“The Christmas programs you guys did each year while we were in high school.”

Haven slowly sat down on the loveseat once again. “You came to those?”

I gave a one-shoulder shrug. “I did.”

Her head slowly shook. “Why?”

Feeling suddenly like a beaming hot light was shining on me, I tried to quickly figure out what to say. In the end, I went with the truth.

“I wanted to see you sing.”

Haven swallowed hard as she stared at me with utter shock.

“You came to see me? I thought you couldn’t stand me in high school because of what happened with my father.”

I felt a look of horror come over my face. Was that what she thought? My stomach churned and for a moment I thought I might be sick. I dropped my gaze to the blue and white rug she had in the living room and took in a few deep breaths. The floors were all wood, and from what I could tell, they continued throughout the apartment. When I finally lifted my gaze, Haven was watching me. Waiting for my answer.

“That’s not true, Haven. What happened to you with your father wasn’t your fault at all.”

She let out a bitter laugh. “You sure have treated me like you couldn’t stand me, Nate. Like he somehow tainted me all those years ago. Especially after the barn incident…”

“Haven… It was the opposite.”

“The opposite? What do you mean?”

Pushing my hand through my hair, I sighed. “I couldn’t be near you, Haven, and it wasn’t anything to do with your dad. Well, not in the way you think.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking at me with eyes that were filled with so many different emotions.

I could feel my heartbeat picking up, and I knew I was about to fuck this all up.

“I just can’t explain it.”

Her arms folded over her chest. “Try, Nate.”

Turning away from her, it was my turn to pace the small area of her apartment.

When I stopped and faced her, I exhaled. “Fuck, I don’t know how to say what I need to say to make you understand.”

Her head tilted slightly to the side. “Let’s start with something easy. Why did you stop that night in the barn if you weren’t repulsed by the thought of my father abusing me sexually?”

“Jesus, Haven, I have never once thought that. Never.”

“Why did you say what we were doing was a mistake when you screwed some girl from out of town at a wall party?”

“What?”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Nate. You’d rather fuck some stranger than even touch me.”

I flinched at her words. “Is that what you honestly think?”

Her arms dropped to her sides. “Yes. You’ve never tried to hide the fact that you sleep around, Nate.”

“Did you ever, for once, Haven, think that maybe I was all talk?”

She took a step back and then laughed. “All talk?”

I rubbed at the back of my neck. “Yes, I’ve slept with women. I won’t say I’m innocent. I’ve let plenty of women do…other things to me, but the amount of women I’ve had sex with isn’t all that you think.”

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