Page 71 of Breathe Again

“We’ve weathered storms before, bigger than this one.” She looked doubtful. He insisted, “We have. And like always, we’ll do it together. We’ll keep each other warm. You stay close to me, you hang onto me, and I’ll pull you through, Mara. You’ve come a long way. You’ve conquered so much of this on your own.”

“This is true.” She nodded slowly. “I am much easier to live with than I was, but you deserve better than all this.”

“Mara, don’t mistake me, you are the better half of us.”

She scoffed. “Come on, Zee. We both know that’s not true. I would let you go if you wanted to go. There would be no financial or other repercussions. I would release you.”

Tears shone in her eyes, and he leaned toward her, holding her gaze.

“I can honestly tell you, with one hundred percent certainty, there is nowhere else I’d rather be.” He paused. “Now start talking, baby, we’ve got fucking to get to.”

She burst out in a shocked laugh, her face pleased and flushed. He lightened the mood as he’d intended. The comforting sounds of the coffee shop rumbled around them, along with the sound of the traffic passing by, and the jingling of the bell over the door as patrons wandered in and out.

She placed her hands flat on the table. “I need to set boundaries with my mom.”

“I thought you did set boundaries, and she ignored them.”

“Exactly. The counselor explained that true boundaries require consequences. So, for example, if she talks about subjects I’ve told her I’m not going to talk about, it requires a consequence to reinforce it.”

“What kind of consequence?”

“Walking away from a conversation, leaving her house, telling her that I’m not participating in the conversation, telling her that I’ve warned her about doing whatever it is she’s doing and that I will contact her when I’m ready to speak to her again.”

She made an ‘eek’ face on voicing this last part.

“That seems reasonable. Are you going to be able to do it?”

“I don’t know if I could do it strictly for myself,” she mused, “but when my mom really gets going it takes me a few days to process and sets me back. I get quiet, hurt, and then I’m wound up and extra sensitive around you, and less engaged with Olivia because I’m stuck in my head.”

He nodded. This was true.

“Willa told me the same thing, that you, and Olivia, and even Bex, lived with exhausted, confused, and wound-up Mara, because I put up with her digs. I don’t like that. Especially that she’s affecting you and Olivia indirectly through me. So, I think I can do it since it affects you guys and that makes me angry.”

“You should do it for you, you deserve to be treated well.”

She nodded but she didn’t look convinced.

Percolating coffee machines and the steady drone of others’ conversations filtered through the restaurant. The noise gave them a modicum of privacy, but not so much that she didn’t have to hold it together. His girl could get emotional, so it was good to have this structure.

“What else?”

“I started my DBT.”

She wrapped her hands around her mug and stared into the contents like they held the answers to the mysteries of the world. So much more was going on in her head than she ever expressed.

“What’s DBT again?”

“Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I have no idea what it means, but it is the treatment of choice for this stuff. So far I’ve been reading about distress intolerance, and something called radical acceptance. The workbook the counselor told me to purchase gives these statements that you can say to yourself to help you accept a situation that is stressful. One of my favorites is: ‘This event is exactly how it should be based on the events that happened before it.’ She paused. “So, when I’m angry at my mom, and I’m feeling awful about myself for being so angry about the things she says and does, when the feelings of anger and guilt are intolerable, I can say this little truth and accept that of course I feel bad, of course I’m angry, this is exactly as it should be considering the events leading up to it. It validates what I’m experiencing and takes away the guilt I feel for being so angry with her.”

“So, you think this therapy is the way to go?” He sipped his coffee.

“I think so.”

“What else baby? What can I do to help? Are there changes we can make at home?”

There was more required here than therapy, he thought. She also needed to focus on herself a bit more. Being devoted to the comfort and care of your family is good, and Mara was better than most at it. Being devoted to the comfort and care of your family at the cost of neglecting yourself was not, and unfortunately Mara was better than most at that as well.

“I think you need to do for yourself more.”

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