Page 65 of Breathe Again

“There’s a word for what you are describing. We call that Distress Intolerance, and there are tools we can use to neutralize it. One of the ways we can counteract Distress Intolerance is with Radical Acceptance.”

I nodded for her to continue.

“Radical Acceptance sounds like this: ‘This moment is exactly as it should be considering all that’s happened before,’ or ‘This moment is the result of a million other decisions,’ or ‘This moment couldn’t be other than exactly what it is considering the sequence of events leading up to it.’ So, when you’re feeling guilt with regards to your mother’s expectations of you, I’m guessing it’s because she instilled that in you since you were small.”

“Yes, for sure.” I nodded enthusiastically. “I’ve thought that myself, that I feel like she installed a button in me that only she can press and release.”

“You’re right and you’re wrong. She did install it, but you can release it.”

I relaxed in my chair, feeling a bit of hope as I looked at Erin, then remarked with a massive understatement. “That would be good.”

“Radical acceptance with regards to your mother, might sound something like this: I will never have the mother I want or deserve. The only change that will happen will be what I allow into my life. I’ll never be good enough no matter what I do, so I’ll spend my energy on doing what I need to do to be healthy.”

“Do you believe it though?”

“That you can do it? Yes.”

“No, do you believe that she’s narcissistic?”

“One hundred percent.” Erin nodded emphatically. “Based on what you’ve told me, she lives in an alternate universe and probably believes the lies she tells. It’s important that you surround yourself with truth-tellers, people who will validate your experience with her and keep you grounded in reality. Narcissistic abuse is incredibly insidious.”

“Well, that rings true because I always feel off balance after spending time with her, like my head is spinning. She’s nice, she’s mean, she’s supportive, she’s critical. I never know which version of her I’m going to get, or even which one she really is and what might just be a mood.” I thought for a moment. “That’s the crux of the problem with guilt, I think. I don’t know what to believe. If I could be sure that she’s a narcissist I think I could break away. But I’m constantly questioning. There are even times when I do confront her about something, she explains it away or denies it completely, and I question if what I thought happened actually happened at all.”

“Narcissists live in an alternate reality. She may even believe it herself. From what you told me, she also holds you responsible for keeping her happy. This is a classic case of over-responsibility and has nothing to do with needing to know if she’s narcissistic or not. You are not responsible for dealing with her feelings. She is.”

“It’s really a simple concept, and intellectually I agree with you, so why is it so hard when I think about doing it?”

“Because you’ve been doing the same thing for so long, the neural pathways are forged deep. It will be uncomfortable changing those habits. But, think of it this way, every time you follow the cycle, or respond to the triggers, you are further reinforcing those pathways. Each time you resist, you build a new, healthier neural pathway.”

“I abhor the idea of reinforcing that pathway.”

Erin smiled. “There you go. Think about that when you’re tempted to give in to the discomfort.” She paused. “Before you go, I do want to touch on a couple of other things that I feel are really important during this first session.”

“Lay it on me.”

“That’s the attitude!” She smiled widely at me, shuffled her papers together, and then her expression turned serious. “How often do you self-harm?”

Ew. I did not want to talk about this. I looked down and tilted my face away from her.

“Not that often.”

“How often do you think?”

“A few times a month?” I braved facing her and explained. “Nothing extreme, just scratching or digging my nails in, pulling my hair. Sometimes I press my elbows into my thighs.”

“Okay. When do you do it? What would trigger that?”

“Being mad at myself, like if I lose my cool with my husband or daughter, if I’m frustrated because I need sex and my husband doesn’t want to that night.”

There was no judgement on her face, just acceptance.

“There are alternatives. Have you done any research? Have you heard of TIPP?”

“I did do research, but mostly about symptoms and what it feels like to be borderline, not treatment.”

“TIPP is an acronym. It stands for temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and paired muscle relaxation. Paired, or progressive, muscle relaxation is an exercise I’d like to see you practicing regularly, morning and night if possible. Progressive muscle relaxation recordings are readily available on YouTube, or you can get an app for it on your phone. This will help to lower your overall level of anxiety.”

“I can do that.” I said. What I thought was that it sounded boring and like yet another to-do to add to the list.

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