Page 47 of Breathe Again

He wrapped his hand around the back of his neck, looked at me from beneath his brow, and blew out his own breath. “I was worried you would overreact.”

“But why? What is it that made you think I’d overreact? Are you guilty of something? Only guilty people hide things!”

I did not miss the irony of this statement, but I was hiding something because I was guilty. My reasoning was sound.

“No,” he replied firmly, with a strong shake of his head. “Absolutely not.”

I continued to pace, rolled my hands into fists. “What is it that you worried would make me overreact?”

“Half of the people on the teams are women, and I didn’t want you to worry. And honestly?” He threw out an arm toward me. “I didn’t want to put up with the inquisition.”

“There wouldn’t have been a fucking inquisition if you didn’t hide shit!”

He acquiesced. “I’m sorry for that, I am. There’s nothing to hide. I was worried you’d overreact. I didn’t want to bring your attention to the fact that I work with as many women as I do men, and I tried to avoid it. I am sorry. You picked up on my discomfort, but it’s just that, nothing else.”

I didn’t know what to believe. The tyrant came down on me hard.

You must take care of your marriage, but you don’t do anything, do you? He doesn’t want you; he’s never wanted you. You were the one who pushed, you chased him, he didn’t chase you, he has never chased you.

I had no rebuttal.

My faith was shaken.

I knew in my head that the monster had awakened. I also knew from hard-earned experience that even though the feelings might not lead to truth, they were all too real and could cause damage. I couldn’t take the chance in dismissing them. I had to stay vigilant. I didn’t want to be surprised.

“Mara, baby, nothing bad is going on. I promise.”

I stopped moving, made a decision, one that would release me from this sick anticipation, release him from the mess that was me. My conscience screamed ‘guilty’ for my own lie of omission. I looked at him, made my offer.

“You can leave, there won’t be any repercussions. I won’t fight you. Not for anything. You can leave and I'll share it all, even Olivia…” My voice broke on a sharp sob, and I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

Two long strides brought him to my side. He bent and pulled me into his arms, his hands busily smoothing up and down my back, his face nuzzling into my neck.

“Baby, baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going anywhere. Silly. Silly, silly, pain in my ass.”

I wrapped my arms around his back and clung to him. My chest hurt. My breath lodged in my throat, and I could not get enough air. He rubbed my back with one hand, the other held me close.

Slowly, I calmed, and with the calm came the shame, and the shame swirled with confusion, not knowing if I should demand further apology or offer one.

“I’m sorry, Mara. I shouldn’t have tried to hide anything. I made it worse by trying to make it better.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“What are you sorry about?”

For being a bunny boiler.

“Just for being stupidly me.”

He laughed. “You’re not stupid, you’re smart. You noticed my discomfort before I did.”

I’d calmed but I kept my face averted, as shamed as I was to cause him discomfort for the terrible sin of going to work and doing his job, my brain could not let any stone go unturned.

“Zee, is there someone else you’re interested in? Are you attracted to someone on one of your teams?”

He held me tighter. “No, absolutely not.”

“Has anyone expressed an interest in you?”

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