Page 48 of Breathe Again

“No. They are professionals, they are there to work, not flirt. Most of them, men and women, are married or committed. Most have kids. There’s no bullshit.”

My shoulders dropped, the spikes receded though the wounds still bled, and the claws of the beast retracted, releasing me temporarily from its grip.

Shopping is Hard Work

Mara

Bayview Village was home to the Bayview Mall, which was still referred to as the new mall even though it had been around for close to thirty years. For the longest time, the only shopping center in the area was the Milltown Mall in Milltown. It was to that mall we migrated as teens, and it was to that mall I used to take Willa when she was small because it had a tiny carousel thatshe loved. I had a lot of sentimental attachment to that mall. It was also situated right on the border of the city, so it was easy for me to drive there.

Bridgewater was home to privately owned boutiques, bridal stores, antique shops, art studios, dance studios, music academies, tailors, coffee shops, restaurants, and a small independent bookstore, but there was no mall. However, it nestled between Bayview Village and Milltown at the apex of the triangle created by the three towns, so we had good access to either of their malls. Bayview was the current crowd favorite.

Bayview had a great food court, the hallways were wide, and the ceiling was almost entirely glass giving the illusion of being out in the open air. There were easily double the number of stores than Milltown, and it had the cutest specialty and gift shops. For kids’ clothing Milltown had better options, but we weren’t shopping for Olivia today.

It had been a few days since my appointment, and I’d placed it firmly onto the back burner with a tight lid on it for the time being. I couldn’t do much until therapy started. I couldn’t tell Bex or Willa until I told Zale, and I was not ready to tell Zale. Besides, today was for fun, and I needed some fun in my life.

Bex was picking me up from my house and we planned to meet Willa at Bayview. I was not quite ready when she arrived, so Zale let her in. When I came out of my room, she was sitting on the couch with Olivia, who was sharing her collection of Harry Potter behind-the-scenes books. Seeing that sweet vignette set before me caused aslight pang as the unwelcome thought whispered that Bex would fit better with Zale and Olivia than I did, that Zale and Olivia deserved better than someone like me.

I silenced the voice and pushed the thought away as Rebecca looked up at my entrance. Her pretty, pixie face lit up.

“You look so good!” Bex exclaimed.

“Aw, thank you!” I beamed back at her. I was having a good hair day and even I felt I somewhat earned the compliment.

She twirled her finger, asking for a pirouette.

I smiled and twirled to give her the full effect. I had pulled out all the stops. Olivia was a tween, I hated that word, when did being a kid get swallowed up in becoming a teen? Whatever you want to call it, at twelve years old she required less supervision. I had time to do my hair, and I did, hair that had grown long and healthy. I loved the contrast of the shining silver curls bouncing amid the chocolate curls and had no intention of dying them away. I had time to do my makeup, makeup that I still had to order online. Even though Olivia could better tolerate the mall, it still wasn’t her favorite place, and she had no patience for things like the makeup store.

My makeup was beautiful that day, highlighting my eyes to look like amber molasses, illuminated by the sun. It had taken some serious blending to cover the dark circles under my eyes but there was no sign of my insomnia on my face that day.

I had on my slim-fit black pants, wedge-heeled ankle boots that were newly purchased one afternoon while Olivia was at the shelter, boots that made me feel like the Mara of old, and a turquoise knit boat-neck sweater that really liked my girls. I was wearing my silver locket that Zale bought me when Olivia was born and the tricolor silver and gold link bracelet from Zale, custom made by Bex. I had not taken it off since he gave it to me after I told him I was pregnant with Olivia. I loved it. I never tired of looking at it and it matched everything I wore.

Not that I was wearing much in the way of variety right then. I didn’t have the same body as before I had Olivia. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to have the same body again as my breasts had exploded and my hips were decidedly rounder, I really didn’t know how to dress this body even if I had the time and opportunity to hit the mall on a regular basis.

Truth be told, even when I was younger, I never really developed a personal style or knew how to dress my body. It was Bex’s styling savvy that got me in and out of the mall without looking like I was channeling my mother.

A sudden memory of my mother giving me her old clothes when I was a young teen, clothes that were always a tiny bit too small for me, came to me. Now, as the mother of a young teen, I could not fathom giving Olivia my castoffs, castoffs that didn’t even fit her properly, and sending her off to school in them.

I dismissed the memory. We were going dress shopping, most importantly for Bex, but also for Willa and me. I would have Bex’ styling savvy to guide me and Willa’s adoration to shield me from the evil of the mirrors. It was hard to be down on myself while basking in the warmth of Willa’s compliments and love.

Before we left, Zale asked to speak to me privately. I excused myself to Rebecca and followed him into our bedroom.

He gently closed the door and I turned to him, with concern that I knew was evident, in my eyes. Things were always tentative between us after one of my outbursts, though this one was milder by far than the ones we’d survived in our beginning. He would usually shut down and I’d be wary, watchful, trying to determine if my faith and trust were poorly placed. It usually took a few days to get us back on track, and it was usually him who got us there.

He took my hands in his, his beautiful mouth tilted upwards in a half smile, and twinkled his dark eyes at me.

“Are you wearing lipstick?”

Zale professed he didn’t like lipstick. I thought it was because he didn’t like the feel of it when he kissed me, which was why I rarely wore it.

“Just gloss. Why?” I had no idea what was going on here. Did he not like me getting dolled up to go out with the girls?

He leaned in, as if to tell me a secret. I leaned toward him, studying his eyes, curious and apprehensive in equal measure.

He smiled his half smile again. “You look fuckable.”

It took a moment for his words to register, but the moment they did I barked out a laugh.

He stood to his full height and grinned at me. Full smile, teeth and everything. So freaking gorgeous.

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