Page 161 of Breathe Again

Olivia’s angst over not seeing her grandmother gradually increased. Willa brought up the subject with me on Saturday when she brought her home.

“You want to stay for dinner, Willa? I’m making tacos,” I sang, trying to entice her to stay.

“Mm,” she hummed. “I wish I could, but I’ve got plans.”

“Plans?” I perked up, giving her the side-eye.

“Don’t get your hopes up, chickie,” she warned. “I don’t do serious, and I don’t do long term.”

I didn’t say anything, wanting more for her, but not wanting to pressure her or stick my nose in where it didn’t belong.

“I did want to talk to you about something, though,” she started just as Zale wandered over to the fridge to grab a beer.

“I’ll get out of your way so you can talk,” he said. He kissed her on the top of her head where she sat with me at the table.

“It’s not private, Zee, it’s about Olivia. You can hear.”

He pulled out a chair and twisted the cap off his beer. “What’s up?”

“She’s been talking to both Bex and I, as well as Barrett when he saw her at the shelter, and I think she even discussed it with the small animals volunteer, that she misses her grandmother, and no one will tell her where she is.”

Zale put his beer down on the table and folded his hands on the table.

“Huh,” I felt bad that I hadn’t noticed her anxiety. “She did bring it up to me once, I should have followed up.”

Both Zale and Willa waved my words away at the same time, then laughed.

“That’s not why I’m telling you. I just want you to know, if you feel that Olivia should see her, don’t hold back on my account.”

“I’m not. I’ve been holding back on my account. We have been texting...the first few texts were bitter, and I didn’t answer. She was positive after that for a couple of weeks. Zale and I are actually thinking of taking Olivia to see her tomorrow.”

It made me sick to my stomach that my mother could be civil to me, but not to Willa. It didn’t feel right to play happy family with her while leaving Willa out in the cold.

“My stance on it,” Zale began, “is that she is an important person in Olivia’s eyes, and it’s Olivia’s wellbeing that I’m considering when we’re talking about going to see her. Saying that, Mara’s wellbeing is also important, as is yours, and if Bea steps out of line, then Olivia is going to learn important lessons on setting boundaries, and we’ll have to deal with the fallout. It won’t be the last painful thing she has to deal with in life.”

I nodded. I also thought, but didn’t add, that everyone deserves a second chance. I had hope, hope that she might one day be a supportive and loving mother to all of us. It pained me to think of her alone.

Willa nodded and Zale reached for her hand. “She will not be permitted to speak against you either, Willa. You are ours, and we love you. Don’t forget that.”

I was surprised to see tears spring to Willa’s pretty blue eyes. She rarely cried. It brought home to me just how much our mother had hurt her over the years, and how deeply into denial I’d sunk. It hurt. I needed to do something about that.

“Absolutely, we are family. Always.” I agreed.

She tipped her head back. “Ahhhh, enough!” She laughed. “I can’t take it.”

Zale did not smile. He’d witnessed too many of Willa’s tears spilt because of Bea over the years. He stood and dropped a kiss on top of her head, ran his hand over her hair, kissed her again, and then walked over to the family room and sprawled his long body across the couch to watch tv.

Zale admitted that he had mixed feelings about going to see Bea the next day, but he worried about Olivia’s feelings. I thought it would be awkward, but Bea acted like nothing had ever happened. In a way, it was a relief, but we resolved nothing. It felt like we were all just playacting while sweeping it under the rug, and it was a huge fucking wrinkle.

Olivia and I had another visit with her, just the two of us, a couple of weeks later, and that went well too. I thought we could come to an understanding. Even if we couldn’t be a normal family, we could at least have civility. I had hope.

The beach excursion was the first real test for me, and with our bathroom mirror sex right before making me far too relaxed and sexified to care about who else was there, I simply lay back, relaxed, and watched my gorgeous man play with our daughter. It did not escape my notice that he drew attention from other women, likewise, I noted that he himself did not appear to notice, or if he did, he didn’t seem to care. The beach was only the beginning.

With Willa taking Olivia most Fridays, and the twins with their grandparents on Friday nights, Zale and I were free to go out withBex and Rhys. The first time we went out was five weeks after the disastrous Holly outing, I felt embarrassed and on edge.

Bex and Rhys and Zale carried on as usual, and eventually I got caught up in the conversation and the laughter. We had gone out twice more, and tonight made the fourth Friday in a row, marking two months since I came home from the hospital.

We’d gone out for dinner, we’d gone to the movies, and we’d gone to a cafe that served decadent desserts and specialty coffees. Tonight, would be a true test. Baranga’s on the Beach in Milltown hosted live music weekends during the summer. It would be busy, lots of women dressed in their best, and one of them was going to be me.

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