Page 160 of Breathe Again

“I agree, one hundred percent,” Willa affirmed.

“I’m not feeling it yet, but I’ve made the decision, so I guess it’s a ‘fake until you make it’ thing for now.”

“Whatever it takes, chickie,” Bex nodded in agreement.

Zale came back with the food and drinks, and we all ate together at the kitchen table, much like we used to before Rebecca found Rhys, until the noise of the chatter became too much for Olivia.

Zale took her into our room to play UNO, Sirius trucked along behind her as usual. At bedtime, she came out to say goodnight and then Zale tucked her into her bed.

We retired to the sunroom, listened to music, and overindulged in coolers and laughter, most of it at Rebecca’s expense when she told the story of Cole and Amelie deciding it was time for ‘the talk,’ andhow they cornered her and Rhys into giving them the lowdown on the birds and the bees.

It seemed like only minutes had passed when the time came to drive the girls home. Zale came into the sunroom, his hand wrapped around the back of his neck. He shook his head at the giggles that we could not control. We had imbibed entirely too much.

“Three hangovers are in the works for tomorrow morning, I see.”

“No way!” shouted Rebecca. “I’ll have one of Rhys’ protein shakes before bed. He’ll fix me!”

“Oh, he’ll fix you all right!” I laughed and Zale joined me.

He looked at Willa from where she watched from the corner. “C’mon Wills, let's get you home. You want to stay here tonight?”

She shook her head. “I have an early day tomorrow,” she twittered happily.

His eyes crinkled. “I hope you’re just as cheerful about it in the morning.”

We hugged each other like we were parting for centuries, and I couldn't help but think how good it felt to be part of our mutual admiration society.

Zale ushered them out the door, unlocking the car from the front door. I stood watching him, a smile on my face. He turned to me and smiled, mouth and eyes. “I love you, gorgeous.”

“I love you, Zee.”

I snoozed until he got home, then curled into his warm back and drifted off to sleep.

A Sigh and A Smile

Mara

Zale went back to work, and Olivia and I slipped into our newly modified routine. Bex planned to take Olivia to the shelter on Thursdays with Willa as usual, but she also picked her up on Tuesday for the afternoon. Willa’s weekly routine included having Olivia sleep over a couple of Fridays a month and she asked to take her Friday afternoon and keep her until dinnertimeon Saturday. After that first successful week, Tuesdays with Bex, and Friday sleepovers at Willa’s became routine for a couple of months.

Zale and I spent many Saturdays in bed, sleeping late, watching the morning news with coffee, and making love. Fridays and Saturdays, now being a sure thing for me, allowed for the thrill of anticipation, minus the uncertainty that had been causing me such distress, with the added benefit of taking the pressure off Zale to find time to make love when he was exhausted from work. We would usually find an opportune time to come together midweek as well. Day by day, the weight of my sadness lifted, the knots in my stomach loosened, and my lungs thawed.

The effects of the year of rejections didn’t go away overnight. I didn’t trust that he still wanted me, and most times when he reached for me it still took some mental gymnastics to be able to let go, but after the first month, with all the attention he’d given me, I began to relax.

Sex was becoming sex for the sake of intimacy and enjoyment and was fun again, not something I needed just to stop the shaking. I still craved it, and nothing made me happier than being naked with my man, but I started to increasingly rely on using my tools when I was distressed, which really meant I relied on myself.

I had never felt so strong. Therapy was working wonders, I journaled daily, and I understood the wounds that my mother had inflicted. I took the necessary steps to parent the wounded child within me. I was learning to trust my husband’s word, and I workedhard at becoming the safe place I wanted to be for him. I was also learning to ask for what I needed and wanted without worrying about being a burden.

Willa and Bex jumped on the idea of helping with Olivia’s schooling and were doubly pleased that I gave them the autonomy to choose what they taught. Willa immediately chose art, Bex was undecided.

She didn’t want to pick just any subject arbitrarily, so she started by taking Olivia to Indigo. Bex followed along behind Olivia as she scanned the shelves in the children’s section, the art section, the travel section, and the theatre and film section. Whatever Olivia picked up, they discussed, and their projects and plans grew organically from there. They didn’t just stay at Indigo either. Bex found, suggested, and installed a ‘friends’ app on her phone so that I could see where they were, and they were booting all over town together.

Olivia thrived beneath the attention, started moving more confidently in the world, and was, for the first time, excited about new experiences.

Willa got the same app, as did I, and we all followed each other. The sense of security it gave me kept my anxiety down to a tolerable level, even though I did not ever know the full plans for what Bex or Willa would be doing with Olivia. Eventually, I hoped I would not need it.

When I voiced my dismay and apologies to both Bex and Willa about needing it, they laughed. Rhys thought it was a fantastic idea and had both Bex and Willa on it, as well as Barrett. In the end, we were all tracking each other, and it became not a weird thing that I needed, but a weird thing that we all shared.

After the first few bitter texts where I did not respond, Bea calmed down and sent me a few messages a week, usually a joke or a cute picture and we’d converse via text. I made sure I reached out to her as well, not wanting her to feel like the responsibility for keeping our relationship positive was hers alone. Oddly, she never asked how I was doing, or about Zale, or even Olivia, but at least she was positive.

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