Page 159 of Breathe Again

By the time Willa and Bex arrived back with Olivia, I was a wet noodle.

“Holy manoli, chickie, I can almost smell it on you!”

“Rebecca Griffin, you are disgusting!” Willa laughed. I blushed.

Zale walked in from the back patio, both Willa and Bex turned around to appraise him. He froze momentarily under their scrutiny, then shook his head, his eyes all crinkled up. He walked right to me and dropped a kiss on my forehead. I beamed up at him. He took in my face and smiled at me, mouth and eyes.

He headed to the front door, collecting his keys and wallet from the pelican. “I’m going to pick up pizza for dinner. Do you have wine? Want me to pick up coolers?”

“Coolers!” Willa exclaimed.

“Hard lemonade,” Bex added.

He waved his hand in acknowledgement without turning around as he ambled out the front door.

“Ah, a man of so very few words,” Bex commented.

“Not as few as Mara right now!” Willa joked.

I laughed. We sat with Olivia for five minutes, determined that she needed her alone time to decompress, and headed out to the sunroom so she could watch her movie in peace.

“Before the booze gets here, let’s get serious for a moment.” Bex sat down across from me in the sunroom, studying me. “How are you doing, Mara?”

Willa sat close beside me, her pretty eyes focused on my face. She was almost clingy, and I felt bad for making her worry.

“I’m good. I’ve started to really understand myself. And I’ve made some positive changes, Zale too.”

“Share? Only if it’s not going to give me PTSD though…” Willa snorted.

I looked at Willa and laughed, underneath the adult, she was still my baby sister and didn’t want too many sexy details.

“I’ve learned a few things. First, I don’t think very highly of myself, and I project those feelings onto Zale. I’m trying to take what he says at face value, and not dissect every word.”

“That’s good. Appropriate. I don’t believe he would lie to you.”

“I agree, Bex, he’s an honorable man, always has been,” Willa added softly.

The pain of remembrance was in her eyes, and I got tears in mine. I loved him even more for what he’d given my sister over the years. She didn’t like to talk about heavy issues so I wouldn’t go there, but it was clear she remembered.

“I need to do some work on my own, self-esteem work, identity work, and that should help me to see my own worth,” I said.

“Let’s do it together. We’ll all work at it. What do you think, Willa?” Bex asked.

“Always good to do this type of work. It’s been a while for me since I’ve done it and it might be interesting for you, Mara, to see how other people see themselves,” Willa mused.

“I love that idea!” I exclaimed. “We’ll go buy new journals, art journals, this will be fun!”

“Excellent. What else?”

“I lay out my boundaries with my mother. She texted me twice, both negative, on Tuesday. I didn’t respond. She phoned me today, wanting to visit and I told her I needed space for now. She took it fairly well. Not sure how her mind works, but that’s not my focus right now, and I’m acclimating to the fact that it’s not my responsibility. I don’t need to try to figure that out.”

“Good, Merry, that’s so good.” Willa smiled at me.

“It feels good, Willa, being strong enough to protect myself, and protect my family.”

“Holy manoli, Merry.” Bex sat back, thoughtful. “You’ve had a whirlwind couple of weeks.”

“I have. I really have. There’s one last thing. I’m coming to terms with the diagnosis, coming to terms with past behaviors that have hurt Zale.” My voice thickened but I fought back the wave of sorrow. “That’s still hard. But I’ve decided to shed the shame of the diagnoses. I don’t need to feel ashamed of something that’s not my fault, something that I took responsibility for as soon as I knew.”

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