Page 136 of Breathe Again

Zale made an abrupt about-face and headed back but I had already backed up in retreat.

‘Mara, baby…” He reached out a hand. “I didn’t mean it.”

I sent a vague smile his way that I knew didn’t reach my eyes and avoided eye contact. I turned to Olivia who looked back and forthbetween us, confused at the sudden change in mood. My mask slid into place.

I cleared my throat. “What should we do today, little bird?”

I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. My shirt felt too tight, my jeans showed too much, I needed to cover up. I needed to hide. The new wardrobe, the makeup, in the end it’s all just lipstick on a pig.

“Daddy says we’re going to Auntie Bex’s house.”

I looked in Zale’s direction, a question on my face, to see that he looked wrecked, his jaw tight for a different reason now.

“Rhys texted, inviting us for a barbeque. I told him I’d check with you, but that it would probably be yes. Olivia wants to go.”

I raised my eyebrows, wondering at the change. Usually, she didn’t fuss about going to Bex’s, but it wasn’t something she’d normally seek out, either. Olivia didn’t normally like small children and dogs, they produced too much noise. Bex’s dogs, Moony and Lilliput, were not particularly yappy, but they were chihuahuas, so they were yappy enough. Amelie and Cole were six years old, a while past the crying baby stage, but they could still be rambunctious, especially Amelie.

I turned back to Olivia. “You want to go, little bird?”

“Yes, I have my own room there, and Lilliput comes with me when I go up there.”

“Well, okay, then,” I agreed, happy she had another place she liked to go.

“We’ve got to leave in about two hours, you get ready now, okay, Livvy? Shower, bag packed, teeth brushed,” Zale directed.

Amazingly, she scooted to do what Zale asked. I watched her leave, more to avoid Zale than anything else. He reached for my shoulder, but I dipped away. I was nothing more than a bitch in heat, always panting after him, always fucking chasing.

“Mara…”

I repeated my words from earlier, my voice flat and emotionless. “I need to not need you first.”

“I understand why you’re upset. I didn’t mean it; I was just teasing you back.”

“You may not mean it this time, but you’ve been doing it, and doing it a lot over the past year.” I took a deep breath, feeling the anger spooling up from my belly, trying and failing to lock it down. I hissed, “You hurt me! You made me feel unwanted for so long. That’s quite a fucking feat for someone who doesn’t fucking mean it!”

This is where he would normally stalk off, and I was already halfway to the bathroom in my mind, my nails buried in my thighs, when he moved in closer, calling my name.

“Mara.” He didn’t touch me but remained only a foot away from where I stood, my face flushed with shame, my entire bodytrembling with humiliation. “I didn’t mean it. It was a poor choice of words. Please, may I hold you?”

I paced back and forth in front of him, monitoring his face, my doubt and disbelief blocking me from the comfort of his arms. His expression showed only remorse, and hope.

He spoke again, his eyes on me steady. “We’re not going to be able to move forward, baby, if we don’t learn to deal better. Let me hold you.”

“I don’t know if we should move forward, Zee,” I admitted. “I’m not good for you. I’m not sure you’re good for me.”

He waited, unmoving, then opened his arms, inviting me in, as he so often did.

I dropped my head, my anger dissipating as quickly as it rose, replaced by sorrow. The constant up and down was exhausting for both of us. I moved into his arms, accepting comfort, dying for connection, even while contemplating leaving.

He enfolded me against his chest. I kept my chin down and avoided his eyes, not wanting to look like I was asking for a kiss and hugged him around his waist.

There was no longer any need to tamp down my desire. There was nothing there.

Zale

It was back to what it was like when they were engaged, a minefield to navigate, one he’d refused to learn before, instead relying on ultimatums and fierce boundaries, and on the occasions when those did not work, withdrawal.

There was one crucial difference between then and now. Then, he had no understanding of the fear that endeavored to swallow her whole. Now, he could clearly see the pain and doubt that clouded her perception, so clearly in fact, it was a wonder to him that it had remained hidden from him for so long. He had his own regrets, and his own reason to grieve, because this woman, who had held his heart for so many years now, still could not believe.

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