Page 137 of Breathe Again

He would do things differently this time. He’d pay attention, and he would be the one doing the chasing. Maybe, just maybe, she’d recover her faith in him.

Hold Your Fuckin Chin Up

Mara

Faces and echoes of memory slide through my thoughts,

a fist in my hair, one that shouldn’t be there,

Tears on Willa’s face,

Rebecca’s hands around mine, my hope seeping through our fists,

Zale, Zale, I can’t see,

When my thoughts rest on him I spin the wheel hard,

Anything elsebut his tears,

Anything else but his pain.

Zale, I can’t unsee.

Yesterday at Rebecca and Rhys’s house turned out to be more fun than I expected. Olivia was truly comfortable there, not unlike when she was at Willa’s. I could see why when I saw her interacting with both Bex and Rhys. They were flexible and easygoing with her, and when she told them something they listened and responded in a way that she knew she was heard. I could see she felt safe.

She largely ignored the twins, which wasn’t terrible as they were a self-contained unit much of the time, but when they were together she acted like an older cousin, watching their movies with them, sharing snacks, sitting together on the couch with the dogs. For me it was a bittersweet sight, the siblings we hadn’t given her.

Barrett was there, as was Willa, but they seemed cool with each other, and I wondered if something had happened. I had convinced myself they’d make a lovely couple but if they were ever headed in that direction they seemed to have taken a definite detour.

Barrett was kind to me, as always. I could bask in his kindness. I found myself relaxing in his steady presence, something I’d not been able to do since before going to the hospital.

He didn’t make it a secret that he knew where I was, he just asked me in his direct, matter of fact manner if I was doing better, then offered his encouragement. Most of the good stuff he expressed inthree words or less. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, he made it count.

Talking to Rhys, which had always been a bit uncomfortable as he was just so damned attractive and I so dumpy, proved to be even more uncomfortable. I could still feel his hands in my hair, his beard on my face, his chest at my back, his arms tight around my waist, and his fist locked around my wrists.

An intimate hold, so out of place in our friendship. I was painfully aware of him, mortified that he’d seen me mentally unhinged, flayed open, and exposed.

He rescued me, and I didn’t want the role of one needing rescue. I’m not sure I wanted to need anyone.

Even deeper than that, I’d already felt inferior to all of them, now I felt like something small and repugnant.

That was it.

It was the shame that made the memory so relentless.

I was taking a breather on their back deck when I heard the sliding door open behind me. I turned, smiling, expecting to see Willa or Bex, but was surprised to see Rhys coming out instead. Before I could escape back into the house, he spoke.

“I’d like to talk. You seem to be having great difficulty being in my space.” He waited for me to speak and continued when I stared at him mutely. “Let’s clear the air, so that we protect the friendship Rebecca and I cherish with you and Zale.”

I struggled to find the words, I owed them to him.

I admitted, “I’m embarrassed.”

“What part is embarrassing?”

How could I explain that him being forced to hold my chubby body was mortifying? I didn’t even trust Zale to accept me and not be secretly disgusted. No, he couldn’t have that part. I’d give him the rest though.

“I’m embarrassed because I lost control, and you saw it, and had to deal with my shit, which wasn’t your problem. You’re Bex’s husband. I don’t want to be that friend that you can’t stand.”

---