Page 120 of Breathe Again

“Ah, that makes sense,” she replied. “Well, he loves you, deeply from what I observed. He wants you to come home. He knows that you are not the only one at fault for the issues in your family, he's just as much at fault and he’s committed to going to couples therapy with you to sort things out.”

I waved her words away. “It won’t last. He’s told me stuff like this before, that he’d be more attentive. He is committed to our family, and loyal, but believe me when I tell you, he’s not interested enough in me to do that. He deserves to be free of me and my craziness. I love him enough to give him that. I love him too much to stay with him. You know what else? I need to start looking after myself as well, it’s long past time for that. My mother can’t be a part of my life and he’s not good for me either. If we didn’t have Olivia, I’d walk away and never see him again.” I felt the tears this time. “I don’t know how I’m going to fall out of love with him if I have to see him all the time.” I sighed. “I just want to disappear completely.”

“Why don’t we just table that discussion for now? Oftentimes, when we have a break like you experienced, our perceptions are skewed until we regain our equilibrium. Not just you, all us humans react much the same way.”

“I love him,” I whispered.

“I know you do,” she whispered back, with a soft smile. “He left this for you.” She handed me an iPad and an envelope, my name in Zale’s heavy, bold writing across the front. I reached out a shaking hand to take it from her, being sure to place my fingers over his writing, to be closer to him.

“Take it back to your room. See what he has to say. Oh, you’ll need these as well.” She handed me a small bag. I looked inside. There were wireless earbuds and a thicker envelope inside. I closed thebag and went back to my room to wait until I was pulled out again for mealtime.

My roommate was not on her bed. I sat on mine, my back leaning against the wall, powered up the iPad, and pulled out the ear buds, but I didn’t put them in my ears. I held the envelope in my hand, the one with my name on it, turning it over and over in my hands, then I put it down. His words were in there and I wasn’t ready for them yet.

I pulled out the thick envelope, opened it, and the contents half spilled out onto the bed. I gasped, Olivia, my sweet Olivia. I covered my mouth with one hand and rifled through the photos with the other. Olivia as a newborn, her little mouth wide open, wailing at the top of her tiny lungs. Olivia at her first birthday party, a momentary break in her crying, the one good picture we got. Olivia with her magnets, Olivia in the garden, Olivia with Sirius, in the backyard wearing her rubber boots at three years old, with her stuffed animals lined up on her bed, bent over her schoolwork, making cookies with me. So many pictures of Olivia, Olivia with me, Olivia with Zale. In Zale’s arms in the hospital, his eyes soft on me in the bed beside them. Willa, Rebecca and I at Rebecca’s wedding, Zale and Olivia and me at Rebecca’s wedding, Zale and me in Stratford, Zale and me at Rebecca’s wedding, his hand on my hip, his favorite part he always claimed. A wet splotch dropped on the photo, right over Zale’s face.

I gasped, “No!”

I blotted it carefully, I could still see the mark, but I’d mostly saved the photo. I held it to my chest and retrieved three more, one of Rebecca, Willa, and me at the wedding, one of Olivia with Sirius, and Zale holding Olivia at the hospital, looking at me. I put them under my pillow along with the letter.

After the final meal of the day, mirrored by my roommate, I lay down on my bed and opened Zale’s envelope. Inside, on a folded single sheet of paper, his bold scrawl scratched out a short letter.

Dear Mara,

First, I love you, baby.

And I miss you.

I’m so sorry I was not there for you.

I bought you an iPad. You’ll find an Instagram account already loaded. I’ll be adding to it. Please look. You can message me from there if you want.

There’s music, Mara, open the app and have a listen. I’ll be adding to that as well. For now, listen to the lyrics that express my heart.

I miss you, gorgeous. Please know we need you, Mara, to be us, we need you. I want to see you, hold you. When you get home, I’m never going to let you go.

Please come home.

I love you, Mara.

I have always loved you.

I will always love you.

Zee

There were three songs on the playlist:

May I - Trading Yesterday

Love You ‘Till the End - The Pogues

Boxes - The Goo Goo Dolls

I popped the earbuds in and lay back on my cot. I played all three of the songs, then I played them again. The sweet lyrics brought more pain than pleasure. I did not know what to believe anymore. Borrowed words telling me he’ll be there while I cry away my complicated memories, promises that he’ll love me until the end, and bittersweet entreaties to hold me until I can breathe again, to love me, to be my shield.

It hurt to listen, wanting to believe he felt what the songs he chose promised, but filled with doubt as always, wondering what, if anything, had changed. Still, I played them over and over again, and by the time I’d fallen asleep, I was starting to change my mind about the wisdom of leaving.

Leaving the Shadowlands

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