Page 121 of Breathe Again

Mara

First thing Wednesday morning I opened the playlist. He’d added ‘Without You Here’ by The Goo Goo Dolls. I listened. Borrowed words telling me I’m his reason, that I fill his emptiness. I listened to all of the songs again.

I went to breakfast, then had my first private session for the day.

“How’s todaytreating you, Mara?”

“A bit better.” I met Marissa’s friendly gaze. “I need to talk to my daughter.”

She brightened. “That’s good! Let’s chat about that a bit and then get you connected to her. Olivia? Is that her name?”

I nodded.

“Tell me about her.”

“She’s wonderful. She has special needs. She’s probably so confused. Zale doesn’t always know how to handle things with her. I’m worried about her.”

“What do you want to tell her?”

“Just that I wasn’t feeling well but I’ll be home tomorrow.”

“Are you ready to go home?”

“I need to get back to Olivia. I thought she’d be better off without me, and me in this state, I’m probably correct. But I know what it is to be abandoned by your mother and, as imperfect as I am, it’s far better to have a mother who loves you and is trying than no mother at all.”

The clarity I’d gained overnight, with a bit of rest, a bit of quiet, and a bit of perspective, had been necessary.

“I don’t want her to deal with feeling unloved or unwanted. She is loved, by me, by Zale, by my sister, our close friends. I can’t flake out on her. The bottom line is that I am, good or bad, irreplaceable,in her life at least. The outcome of our relationship is my responsibility and I’m not going to let her down.”

“That’s good, but are you ready to go home?”

“I have to be. I’ll take whatever support I can get. I know I’m going to need to intensify the therapy, I’m good with that. I’ll do whatever it takes. Including staying away from my mother.”

“I think it’s wise to be thinking along those lines, what supports you’ll need, and a stress reduction plan for the next while. Let’s take a look at that and then we’ll get you on the phone with Olivia.”

“Shouldn’t we call right now? What if they’re not available at the end of the session?”

“You want to call now? We can do that. Let’s work out what you’re going to say to her, to calm her, and then we’ll try calling.”

We wrote down my points, as well as some questions I could ask her about Sirius and Harry Potter to keep things as normal as possible. My heart pounded in my chest as she dialed my house.

We decided that she’d call, talk to Zale, tell him I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet and ask for Olivia. I told her she could tell him I was doing better. As soon as the phone began to ring she switched it to speaker.

“Hello?” Hearing his low, mellow voice was a gift. I held my hand to my heart. Marissa saw and smiled.

“Hello, is this Zale Donovan?”

“Yes, this is Zale.”

“Hello Zale, this is Marissa, Mara’s counselor at the hospital. We met yesterday.”

“Hello, hi, how is my wife?”

I could hear the anxiety in his voice. It hurt me. Tears sprung to my eyes, yet I couldn’t talk to him until I decided what to do about us.

“She’s with me right now. She is improving.”

“Thank God. Will she see me? Talk to me?”

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