Page 47 of Crimson Tears

I feel a crack beginning to form in my heart. On the one hand, I am glad she is still here, in our room and waiting for me. On the other, I am terrified that what we had is ruined forever and that we will never be us again.

When I look through the doorway, she’s already walking back to our bed, crawling in, wearing a pair of my boxers and one of my shirts.

Nessa scoots into the center and folds her knees up, red eyes looking at me when I finally step through the threshold. She does not say anything, simply watches me.

“Why did you do that?” she asks eventually. Her voice is so quiet, hoarse even, as if she had been yelling.

“I could not bring myself to deny you something you wanted.”

She scrunches her brows and a scowl forms on her face.

“I never said I wanted that.”

As I take a seat on the edge of the bed, she moves back, putting more space between us. Sighing, I stare down at my lap.

“You may not have used your words, but when I look at you, looking at him, I can see your love for him, Nessa.”

I rarely use her name, she is always my little fox. But not now. She needs to know I am being serious.

“I loveyou, Boris. I have loved you for the last year and a half. There is no life that I see myself living without you in it.”

She glares at me, none of the usual ease and comfort between us. We never fight and this is why. Neither of us likes to be angry, and we work hard to not let anger come between us.

“I never said I want to be out of your life,” I tell her honestly. “But maybe my role in your life needs to be different. He came back from the dead. I think that is a sign that he is who you should be with.”

The words taste like acid on my tongue, bitter and painful.

“You’re delusional if you believe the universe decides our fate.Wedecide.Wechoose.”

I think about that for a minute, letting her words sink in. She is not wrong, but I know what she is doing. There is no world where we go to sleep in each other’s arms tonight as if nothing has happened.

Something in our relationship has shifted, and I need to accept that. Even if I have to do it for both of us.

I will not force her to stay with me because I am what is safe or what she is comfortable with. It is clear who she needs right now, and my season in her life has come to an end.

I close my eyes and take a breath, hoping I can put on the mask I wear with so many others right here because it is the only thing that is going to get me through this.

“Do you love him, Nessa?”

Her mouth opens, but no words come out.

“It’s okay if you love him. You always have, and part of you always will. I love and respect you too much to get in the way of that. I can step back and let you explore your feelings towards him.”

Standing, I take my favorite pillow from the bed.

“I promised you everything you could ever want, and I will not go back on that promise.”

“Iwantyou to stay.” Her voice breaks as tears stream down her face. Her hand reaches out for me. “You said together. We are supposed to do this together.”

My chest aches. I think I may actually be able to feel it tearing to pieces as she reaches for me again. My breath stutters, and I turn away from her. If I touch her, I won’t be able to walk away.

“Together might need to look different,Lis…”

I almost do it, I almost call herLisichkaand break both of us even more. But I hold back because I can’t ruin that name for either of us. She will always be my little fox. Cunning, brave, fierce, strong. But she deserves to have her chance at happiness, even if it is not with me.

“Boris.” I hear my name through clenched teeth and flinch. “You…” she hiccups and I roll my lips together, biting them to keep from saying anything. “You’re breaking your promise.”

Her breath is shaky, but she doesn't move to stop me. Maybe she knows my restraint would break, maybe she knows that all she needs to do to have the man her heart really wants is to let me walk out the door.

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