Page 48 of Crimson Tears

So I do, for both of us.

Chapter 15

Tears spill over without my permission. This is exactly what I have been afraid of ever since I brought Cillian here. The room feels cold and empty without Boris, even surrounded by all of my normal fluffy pillows and blankets. He’s missing, and it’s as prominent as a gaping wound in my chest.

I can’t lay down or sit up without feeling it. I allow myself five minutes of crying, hoping that will ease the pain and anger radiating through me. But all it does is make everything feel worse.

I should go to the guest room and demand answers. I want to know if Cillian said something, or if this was all his idea. I want to force him to look at me as he says we’re over. I want him to change his mind and beg for my forgiveness.

But none of that is me. That’s Evie or maybe even Laney, but that’s not me. As much as I pretend to be the strong one, all I really want is for someone to help make life easier to live. Someone who can make me feel like I still matter amidst all the chaos.

Cillian did that once, then Boris. Now, I don’t know how to find that peace within me again. That part of me is only filled with betrayal and anger.

He said together. We said together. Now he’s just going to walk away?

I throw the blankets off of me, done with sitting here. I need to do more than cry, but I can’t do that with these two men capable of hearing me.

When I lived in Ireland, there was a cliff face not far from our house I would walk to when I needed to purge the anger and frustration from my body. I’d go to the edge, fall to my knees and scream.

The wind would mask the sound and crash into my face as if it too were angry for me. There might not be a cliff nearby, but I do have my car.

The garage is nearly soundproof anyway, so when I slide inside my amethyst Mustang, I am confident no one will hear me outside. Taking the pillow I brought with me from the bed, I push it against my face and let it all go.

I scream for the hurt, the anger, and my life. I scream because everything I have come to know and feel comfortable with is being taken from me. I scream for the future that now feels unknown. I scream for the fact that my house no longer feels like home.

Then, I scream more.

Over and over I let all the ugly thoughts and sounds I need to expel fall out of me in a violent rush. My chest heaves with effort and my eyes burn from crying. It isn’t until I move the pillow away from my face that I see him.

Standing right by the car in sweatpants and a white tank top is Cillian. He isn’t looking into the car, just standing next to it.

My breathing still comes in gasps as I work to regain my composure, not sure how much he could hear or witness.

Without warning or notice, Cillian opens the door and climbs in. He doesn’t look at me as he pulls the five-point harness over his head and locks himself in his seat. When he settles, holding onto the grip handle, I side-eye him.

“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice hoarse.

“Just along for the ride, Sweetheart.”

Does he think I’m leaving?

Honestly, that’s not the worst idea. I don’t have shoes on, but I don’t really care. There is a mountain route that I know well. No one will be on it at this time of night.

I don’t say anything as I get out and grab my keys from the rack by the door before stepping back into the car. I need to think, to clear my head, and that is not going to happen in the house or sitting in this damn garage.

Part of me feels a little lighter as I drive us out onto the night road. Everything is dark, no lights around apart from the ones my car shines on the gravel in front of us. It feels eerie, but also peaceful.

The crisp, fall air greets me as I roll down the windows and let my arm hang out. Sometimes feeling the breeze while hitting the gas is all I need to set myself straight again.

Other times, I need to race the mountain roads ahead at speeds that terrify me until I remember feeling something otherthan fear or pain. The adrenaline that accompanies drifting along the mountain’s edge is exactly what I need tonight.

I have no idea how Cillian is about to handle this adventure, but no time like the present to show him who I really am. He thinks he still knows me, but the problem is, the naive, stupid girl I was three years ago no longer exists.

I have been broken so many times since he last saw me that I’m shocked he was able to recognize the pieces I glued back together. To Cillian, I might look the same, but everything on the inside has been rewired for survival.

When we reach the base of the mountain, I glance over at him once, idling the car while rolling up the windows. I think about asking him to stay, just in case this is the day that I don’t make it back down alive. But before I can say anything, he turns to me. Those crazy eyes I’m so used to seeing from him are gone, and the boy I once knew is sitting beside me.

“I’m with you, Sweetheart. Whatever you need to do.”

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