Page 103 of Crimson Tears

Dr. K waves her tablet pen at me.

“Exactly. It is okay to have help while you heal. Let them be there to comfort you. Let them bring you assurance. It’s the same as letting them help you eat if you broke an arm, or get into a car if you broke your foot. It’s okay to ask for help. This feeling is temporary. Your body will begin to adjust to the changes soon, and the less fresh the trauma is, the easier it will be to stay in the present.”

What she is saying makes sense. “So how do I stop the anxiety for now?”

She thinks for a minute. “Does anything help you pause or come back to yourself that you're aware of?”

I try to focus on each time I woke up and didn’t feel them there.

“When they touch me or breathe with me.”

Smiling at me, she nods. “Physical touch and breathing techniques are some of the best ways to bring the present into focus. It sounds like you have a good support system.”

I do. I’m very lucky. Yet, what do I do when they aren’t here? Will I need to call Dr. K each time I feel like I am losing myself?

“Where are you going in that head of yours, Nessa?”

I didn’t even realize that I had fully zoned out. With a sigh, I slowly lean into the arm of the couch. “I just want to know I can be resilient without them having to be here.”

Dr. K reaches out and pats my arm.

“Resiliency is learned the same way that we teach ourselves patience. Do you want to know the number one factor in what helps us create resilience?”

I nod, my eyes beginning to burn.I don’t want to cry.

“A supportive partner or parent. They’re what helps someone build real resilience. You only set yourself back when you isolate or force yourself to face your fears without the support of those that love you surrounding you. Having someone by your side to remind you that fear isn’t everything will help you build those blocks of resilience back up. Validation, along with comfort, tells your mind that you are safe. It trusts that you will survive even when you are afraid because you have others you can rely on.”

“So you’re saying that in order to become independent again, I should rely on the people around me until my brain believes it’s safe?” I ask, trying to understand.

“What would the alternative be?”

I hate when she turns the question around on me. It’s such a therapist thing to do. Rolling my eyes, I avoid her gaze.

“I don’t know. Force myself to be uncomfortable until my mind is tricked into thinking it’s not really that bad?” I cringe slightly, realizing how dumb it sounds when I say it out loud.

Dr. K sits back in her seat as she reads the epiphany on my face.

“You cannot heal in the same environment that hurt you. You cannot grow when you are around those who cut you down. Forcing yourself into those situations does not make you stronger. It only hurtsyou.”

“What do people do who don’t have anyone to rely on then?”

What if my men do leave and I’m forced to deal with it on my own. I know it isn’t likely, but I need to know.

Dr. K lets out a long sigh. “It is much harder. That road is paved with blood, sweat, and tears. As a therapist, I would advise anyone going through a hard time to find a partner to help them. It could be a friend that they talk to, or just someone they see daily who can check in with them.”

I can feel my heartbeat pounding in my chest. Learning to rely on others is a difficult thing to accept. You never know when they will leave.

“At the end of the day, we’re social creatures. We’re not meant to live our lives alone and in the dark. Sometimes, the key to healing is simply to realize that and come out of your cave mentally or physically. Other times, it takes work and perseverance.”

“I feel like we keep taking on battles only to be stuck in another war right when we’ve reached the end.”

I hang my head and close my eyes. I don’t want to fight another battle.

“Have you ever heard the term survivor?” Dr. K asks, leaning forwards so I have to look at her.

“Yes.” Who hasn’t?

“I think the biggest insult we can give those who have lived with trauma is to call them a survivor because that implies that they already won the war.”

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