Page 104 of Crimson Tears

She reaches out and places a hand on my knee.

“Life is aconstantwar. You will face battles every day no matter who you are. For some, it’s a battle to get up every morning and choose to live. For others, it’s a problem at work, or just the mental struggle to choose what is going to be for dinner.”

She isn’t wrong. I hate having to pick what we have for a meal.

“The goal is not to just survive, Nessa. It is tothrive.”

“So if we aren’t survivors, then what are we?”

Dr. K has this way of changing my perspective on life in profound ways, and I can feel that she is about to do it again.

“You’re a fighter, Nessa—you, Evie, Laney, everyone around you. All of you are fighters because you choose to keep going. You choose perseverance and strength. You don’t simply survivelife, you find a way to thrive in every situation you’re challenged with. Just as I know you will do with this one.”

My mouth nearly drops open at her words. I feel like this is something I have needed to hear my entire life. When I would blame myself at night for not standing up to my father or telling him no.

All the times that I would mentally beat myself up and surround myself with people who only did the same thing in an attempt to weaken their effect on me. I could never figure out why I couldn’t just rise above it all.

But now it makes sense. If I want to change, and believe that what I have been given is something I am worthy of, I need to surround myself with people who believe that for me until I can do the same for myself.

“So how do I start?”

She clears her throat. “You need to talk with Boris and ask him to reassure you that when he does leave, he will be coming back. That will help rewire your brain to believe that he’s not leaving for good. Let them touch you and help you when they can, but also work on these things yourself. Start with the mindset that you are capable and supported. Just remind yourself of that.”

I think I can do that. She takes notes for both of us and says she’ll also send me what we discussed so I don’t forget. I’m thankful because I feel like I just ran a marathon. I am so tired that I know I won’t remember everything.

“Before you go,” I say while she puts her tablet back into her bag, “I have a question.”

“Alright.” She straightens in her chair, giving me all of her attention.

“They caught the men that did this to me.” I gesture to the healing wounds, my sore feet, and really just everything.

“And you want to make them pay?” She assumes.

I shake my head, confused as to how I feel about this. “Part of me wants that, but I think I am afraid doing anything to them will trigger me. What do you think?”

Dr. K sighs, rubbing her temples with her fingers. “When I went to school to become a therapist, we were told that murder was wrong to encourage.”

I giggle at that. “And yet you work for the mafia.”

She nods her head in disbelief. “Yes. So, it’s because of who I work for that I will give you this advice. This isn’t grounded in research, mind you. But I’ve been working here a while, and this is something I’ve come to believe.”

I prepare myself for her to say that we need to let these men go. And as much as I appreciate her helping us, that isn’t something I can do. They have to be put down. The underworld has to govern itself or too many people get hurt.

So imagine my shock when she sighs and looks at me to say, “Make it quick.”

It takes a second for my brain to catch up with what she just said. That was the last thing I expected.

“What?”

She laughs at my dumbfoundedness.

“Shocking, right? But here’s the thing. I’ve worked with many people and heard many stories that I never thought I would have to hear in order to help people process. This world is different. No one will sleep better at night if you let these men go. Quite the opposite, in fact.”

A heavy sigh leaves her lips.

“However, for your mental health, I would advise that you make it quick. Drawing out torture has no point other than taking away energy from you that you could be using to heal. The end result will be the same, they will be dead. If you draw it out, you will always question if you made them pay enough. You will wonder in the moment you take back the power, did theperson who hurt you truly regret their choice. If they do or don’t, it doesn’t matter. It won’t change the past, and it won’t affect the future.”

“So, just kill them and be done with it?” It’s not a bad idea, really. She isn’t wrong. And if hell is real, their suffering will be better than anything I could do to them here. Might as well send them to their damnation sooner.

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