Page 97 of Crimson Tears

She kisses my chest. “Thank you.”

My fingers run through her hair. I am so proud that she came to this conclusion on her own. While I was hopeful that the brunt of the trauma would ease once we arrived home, I think I knew she would need more.

I never want to force Nessa to do anything, but I always try to create a way for her to see the best things for herself andencourage her to find the most appropriate path for her to heal and grow.

She falls back to sleep quickly, Cillian following her soon after. It is not often that I stay awake and watch her, but tonight I feel the need to see her breathing. It soothes a part of me I was not aware of until I was standing in that forest waiting to get back to her.

I made a mistake trying to leave instead of listening to what she really needed. I should have just asked for time to think. It would have made me realize that there was no way I could live without her. And not just in a simple way. I need her in my arms every morning and in my bed every night. I need her to have meals with and talk about my day. But most importantly, I need her to love me the same way that I love her.

I was a fool to think I could live with anything less and an arrogant asshole for trying to force that on her.

The thing is, I do not hate seeing her with Cillian. Even in the bathtub, the idea that he could add to her pleasure only made me appreciate him more.

When she asked us to come for her, there was no hesitation in me. I still stand firm on the fact that I do not wish to be intimate with Cillian. But having him make her feel good so I get to see all of those expressions on her face as she comes undone is thrilling.

There are so many things I want to try so that she can experience all of the pleasure we can bring.

Not just in the bedroom, but in life in general. When I have to work away, she will always have someone with her, and it will be the same when Cillian is sent on a mission. She will have an extra person watching her back, which is something I never had with my late wife.

I made a mistake bringing her into this life. She was innocent and sweet and did not deserve the end she met. Not that I did not love her, but my love for her was partially a convenience.She was already aware of my world and understood the part I played in it. Yet, part of me still knows to this day that she never accepted that piece of me, she preferred to just pretend it was not there.

Now, with what I feel for Nessa, I see my previous marriage for what it was—comfort and convenience. I wanted someone to share my life with, and she loved the lavish things and easy relationship I could provide her.

We did not discuss work unless it was me expressing the need for her to be extra safe or have excess security. She would nod and agree, then pretend the conversation never happened.

After her death, every time I looked in my son’s eyes it was as if she was right there. I felt like a failure, and still to this day I feel the same. The mother of my child died because I was blind to our circumstances. That she would become a target to get to me. I regret that deeply because her innocent life was taken, and my son was left without a mother, ultimately putting a strain on our relationship.

It took a long time for me to accept that I cannot go back and change the past, as well as a few sessions with Dr. K. Honestly, the way she has made a difference in this organization and our entire family has been immeasurable. She tried to say that Alexi purchasing her a car and a house here was too much, but I would buy her ten homes anywhere in the world if it meant she stayed with us.

She helped me realize that while I loved my late wife, I was not enraptured by her.

With Nessa it is different. She consumes my soul like a fire, greedy for every inch of surface it can cover. It is as painful as it is beautiful to watch.

As I lay here, I cannot help but be thankful for my life. I thought the universe was against me, but I think it is just finallygiving me back some of the peace I so desperately craved for years.

The sun begins to rise, peeking through the blinds enough that I know my son will be awake. He has a very strict routine.

I slowly and carefully untangle myself from my girl, and she immediately twists until Cillian is holding her. His eyes open and I nod to the door, letting him know I am going to step out for a bit. Nessa wants to get back to working today, but we made her swear to take it slow.

Her ribs are very tender and her feet are still recovering from the burns. I know Cillian was careful when rubbing them last night, and she seemed to enjoy it.

As much as I wanted her to be able to soak in the bath for an hour, I knew it would increase her risk of infection for it to last much longer than twenty minutes. But I did what I could with the time I had, and I think it had the desired effect.

Just thinking about Cillian’s fingers brushing against mine as they slid inside her has me adjusting myself. The image he painted of her taking us both at the same time shockingly turned me on.

And now I am about to call my son with a massive erection.

I shake my head at myself as I walk to the kitchen, intent on making an espresso in order to give myself time to calm the fuck down before I phone anyone.

Eventually, when I take a seat at the island, I am composed enough to contact Alexi. It only rings once before he answers.

“Father.”

“Hello, Son.”

“I was wondering when you were going to call. We only have two cells in our new building and it is becoming increasingly difficult to keep one of your hostages alive.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. Alexi has the two men who hurt Nessa in their new club basement. My mind definitely put that information on the backburner while we helped Nessa heal.

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