Page 51 of Passion Restored

She blinked, everything around her moving in slow motion though her heart raced, pounding so hard she was afraid it would leap right out of her chest. Some small part of her had actually hoped that it would be negative and that everything had just been a sad coincidence. That’s how it needed to be.

Because she could not be pregnant.

She could not be a mother.

He turned her in his arms, cupping her face once again. “You’re not saying anything. I know you’re shocked, and hell, so am I. Hence why I’m rambling on like this. But, yeah, we’re pregnant, Liz. Pregnant.”

“Stop saying that,” she rasped.

He blinked. “What?”

“Stop saying that word,” she bit out. “I can’t think right now, Owen. I can barely breathe, and you keep saying that word over and over again as if trying to make it real.” She was honestly losing it right now, and she couldn’t help herself as she fell down the rabbit hole.

Owen leaned back, his hands falling as she pulled away. “It is real, Liz. Do you need to sit down? Are you feeling ill again?”

She fisted her hands at her sides. “All my life, I’ve done everything I could to gain the control I lost as a child. Everything. Now, I might lose my job, I’m in a relationship I wanted to stay away from, and now…and now I’m…” She laughed, but it was a hollow sound that made her tear up. “I can’t even say the word, Owen. I need some space, okay? I can’t think with you around. Everything gets jumbled.”

Owen stood straight, his face a mask. “I see.”

But he didn’t see. He couldn’t. Not when she couldn’t see herself.

“I just need some space to think.”

“Well, when you’re in that space, I want you to think about this. The relationship you didn’t want to be in? Well, we’re in it, Liz. You and I were moving toward something I thought we both wanted, and hell, now we’re smack in the middle of it. You haven’t pushed me away in weeks, not the way you did when you were scared at the start of it, so you don’t get to use that excuse. You’re scared now, and I get that. Fuck, I’m scared, too, but I’m not going anywhere in the grand scheme of things. I’ll leave now so you can breathe, but I’m going to be close, because, Liz? I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And, yeah, by the way you’re paling even more right now—though I didn’t think that was possible since you’ve been sick—I get that you don’t want to hear that. But, yeah, I love you. I was waiting to say it when you were ready. And maybe now isn’t the best time, standing in a bathroom after you were just throwing up, feeling as if our worlds have shifted. But I love you.”

“You can’t,” she whispered. “I’m no good for you, Owen. I…” He pressed his finger to her lips.

“Don’t tell me what I feel. I get that you’re scared, and with what you grew up with? Yeah, I get it. So I’m going to let you have your space today because I don’t want to push you more than you already feel pushed. But I want you to promise me something.” He let out a shaky breath. “Don’t…don’t do anything about this until we talk okay?” His voice broke at the end, and she blinked back tears.

Her heart thudded, pain radiating through her at the thought of ending the life growing inside her. “Oh, Owen. I would never…I would never take out your rights or choices.” She pressed her lips together. “I just can’t think with you around, but my needing space has nothing to do with wanting you away so I can do something we would both regret.”

He visibly shuddered before moving forward and kissing her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I love you, Liz. And I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me. Now I’m going to go so you can breathe, but I’m coming back. I’ll always come back.”

As she watched him walk away, she finally let the tears fall. She had no idea what she was doing other than she knew she needed time to think, time to breathe.

She honestly had no idea what she wanted or what she was going to do, and yet she was so afraid that, one day, she’d push him away hard enough that he wouldn’t come back.

And then…well, then she wasn’t sure what the answer was.

Because she was pregnant, and there was no denying that. Now she just needed to figure out what that meant because she couldn’t become her mother. She couldn’t hate the life growing inside her.

She wouldn’t.

No matter what.

And that meant she needed to figure out how to become the woman she wanted to be, rather than the one she was painfully aware she might become.

****

Owen had thought the day he found out he would be a father would be a day of celebration. He loved his niece and nephew, as well as the Montgomery kids that always seemed to be around and called him their honorary uncle. He’d known that he wanted to be a father one day, a husband, a family man, and as he’d spent more and more time with Liz, he’d known the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was her.

Only she didn’t want to spend hers with him.

Or, at least, that’s what she was saying right then.

“Want to tell us why you look like you want to punch something and at the same time throw up?” Murphy asked as he sank down onto the couch next to him.

Owen turned at his brother’s voice and noticed how pale he looked. “You doing okay?”

---