Page 17 of Secrets in a Sandstorm

“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath. “This is a dog’s breakfast.”

I consider having another smoke to kill time, but leaving Teddy on his own isn’t the right thing to do. I carefully pace around with one hand on the wall, able to make out the solid shade of his body in the gloom.

I sit next to him and lean back against the wall. “So what now? You uncovered my secret.”

“You don’t like having friends with a shared interest?”

I lick my lower lip, not sure how to respond. We aren’t friends. Or we weren’t… Perhaps we are becoming friends. “The last one I had didn’t stay a friend.” We’d become lovers. “Nothing can happen, Teddy.”

Not at HQ, anyway. Leave in Cairo is a different matter, but I don’t want to encourage him.

He huffs. “I don’t want to die not knowing what it’s like to be kissed?—”

“You must have had girlfriends.”

“By a man.”

Oh.“You’re not going to die.”

That’s a piss weak response. If the storm doesn’t pass, we’ll both die of dehydration. We might make it out only to find no one can pick us up because the Italians are too close, in which case we are dead again. I’m not walking back to HQ and leaving Teddy on his own.

The only way we survive is if the storm blows through, and when I radio for pick up, a patrol comes and gets us. Or, I suppose, if the Italians reach us first and we become prisoners of war.

“You were just contemplating all the ways we can die. You get a look on your face when you’re running through options.”

“You can’t see my face,” I grumble, annoyed that he knows me so well.

“I can hear you thinking. I’ve been riding next to you for nearly a year.”

He’s been watching me for that long, wanting to crawl beneath my blanket while I was busy convincing myself it was admiration and nothing more. Because it couldn’t be more. I don’t want the whispers…the distrust…the hate. “What gave me away?”

“The way you looked at me when you thought I wasn’t paying attention.” There’s too much hope in his voice, and I can too easily imagine the heat in his eyes.

If he noticed, did others? Or did he notice because he was looking and hoping? I need to change the topic before it strays back into dangerous territory. “What are you going to do after the war?”

“Go back to helping Dad run the grocery store…and keeping my head down. What will you go home to?”

Pain.

Living in the same town as James will kill me. Seeing him but not touching him. Knowing that he has someone new.

“I’ll probably return to the farm.” I like animals. I understand them. And I enjoy being out in the open. Or I used to. Now, I’m always scanning for danger. I won’t be able to relax by the stream the way I once did. I can’t remember what it is like to be happy. I shake my head. “I don’t want to go back, as there are too many memories, but I don’t know what else to do.” I haven’t thought that far ahead.

“I can get you a job in the store. Want to deliver groceries?”

I laugh. What a rusty sound that is.

“That doesn’t sound too bad.” Instead of delivering soldiers, I’ll drop off bags of potatoes and bread.

Teddy leans against me. “No one will think anything of two friends who survived the war living together.”

His fingers lace with mine, and his palm is cool and clammy. My fingers curl around his hand.

“They wouldn’t question it.” I agree. There’s no harm in giving him hope, even though it scares me, but I’m not sure I can love again. My heart is too damaged from the loss. Mysoul too wounded from the killing. I don’t know how much longer I can survive the war.

I never thought I’d want to go home, but that’s all I want. No more sand. No more guns. No more blood and death.

If I’d stayed home, perhaps I could’ve worked things out with James. Or perhaps I’d have drunk myself to death.

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