Page 113 of Of Flames and Fallacies

My racing mind eases to a manageable pace with each inhale. The fog of my guilt and shame lifts. I’m finally able to think more logically. We need the map. And I need pennyroyal. I could steal the map from Darian’s room. Get pennyroyal in the morning. And gather as many supplies as I can: food, water, extra clothes. It’ll get colder the further north we get with us flying at high altitudes.

But where I get stuck is the people I’ve met here. Do I leave Marge? And do I leave Archie, without saying goodbye? The thought of leaving Archie—alone—pains me. Even if I know he’ll be fine without me.

Yet, something keeps me from guiding us to the Dragon Lands. Something about it is inherently wrong. Maybe it’s the fear I’ve already fucked up so much, and I’m scaredthe next decision I make will end in even more catastrophic ramifications. I don’t trust myself, I realize.

Andthatscaresme.

Perhaps there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to leave Cole—that doesn’t want to lose him completely. Even though I may already have, and even though he lost a piece of me. The thought of him with someone else destroys something intrinsic in me.

Gods, I’m a mess. My heart is shattered, and I clutch the pieces to my chest, desperately fearful I may lose another piece of myself at any given moment.

How can I love someone, and yet hate them all at the same time?

Daeja turns left, and I instinctively lean into her, bracing myself as she lifts and dives. She’s holding back, though. It all comes so easy to her—like a second nature close to breathing or blinking. The sound of her wings thunder behind me. The wind cuts into my remorse and frees what tears I have from my eyes until I cry.

I reach a hand down and caress her neck, remembering when she was so small her entire body fit into the palm of my hand. The memory wraps around my heart and squeezes me in a painful way.

I’m jolted with a burst of warmth and joy, the pure emotion chasing away my darkness. My vision of a baby Daeja perched in my hand, staring up at me with her round eyes morphs. The memory shifts to me looking at...myself.Through Daeja’s eyes.

I gasp and almost slip from her neck. In the vision, my hair is matted, and my dull eyes are sunken with sadness. Cheekbones jut out from my features, threatening to puncture my taut pale skin. Even the natural blush of my cheeks and nose is muted. The freckles dusting my nose and cheeks are stark against my ashen skin.

But I’m flooded with love, warmth, and safety. It shuns out the darkness of my thoughts and feelings.

“Me and you,”Daeja whispers along our bond.

A smile splits through the bitter cold entrapping my heart. In the memory, I scratch Daeja under the chin for the first time. My foreign, dull blue eyes stare back at me. Her purr ignites a spark of life to my eyes.

The rest of the night and morning I cling to it. To that sliver of peace and love.

To Daeja.

To my relief, Marge offers me pennyroyal first thing in the morning when I report for duty. Later in the day after sparring, we gather for lunch. I sit across from Archie, wary of where Cole glides through the outpost chatting with several different soldiers. Relief washes over Cole’s face when he notices me. I tear my attention away from him. Archie is droning on about Mistwood facts when I pick up the strut of a predator in my periphery.

Darian stalks by, takes a seat next to Archie, and winks when our gazes collide. I bite my lip to keep myself from blushing, staring at Archie in an attempt to look at anyone but Darian.

But Darian’s eyes bore into me possessively. I’m pleading to the heavens Archie doesn’t notice his newly aimed attention at me. Archie clears his throat and peers over to Darian. Clearly, Darian and I both missed whatever Archie has said or asked.

“Shut up,” Darian says, his eyes not wavering from what I imagine is the curve of my throat down to my chest.

I flick a glare at him, finally meeting his gaze.Asshole.

Archie flinches. “But I wanted to know if—”

Darian finally tears his stare away from me and toward Archie. “Do you not understand the concept of ‘shut up?’”

I slam a fist into the table, pinning Darian with a leer. “Would you fucking leave him alone for once?”

Archie’s eyes round, a nervous chuckle shaking his chest. A shoulder brushes me, and Cole settles into the seat next to mine. Darian shoots to his feet with a snort and walks off.

“Good riddance,” I half-whisper as I watch Darian go.

Cole tosses me a sideways glance before taking a sip of water. He still has no food in front of him, just as I have nothing in front of me. I’ve been avoiding looking at what Archie’s eating, for fear of it surfacing whatever may be left in the pits of my own gut.

Cole stretches a hand out cautiously for mine. “Hey...I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Can I get you alone for a moment—”

I jolt to my feet. “I’ve got to go. I’ll catch you guys later.”

Cole’s gaze weighs on me as I leave. The space between us tears at me. I nearly run for my room, but before I know it, I’m passing my door and headed toward Darian’s. The same door slammed in my face just days ago. The same one we burst through last night in a tangle of heat, lust, and…whatever else it was. I reach a hand forward to knock, hesitating, before forcing myself to rap my knuckles against the wood.

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