Page 135 of Bonding with the Beta

My lip begins to tremble. “I think I need help.”

“Help?”

I sniffle. “I-I need to see someone. I need to talk about things again. My mind right now is a mess, and my anxiety—” I purse my lips, the words struggling to come out.

“If you need support, we can get you support.” She scoots closer to me and squeezes my leg. “What’s happened? Help me to understand.”

I release a breath, puffing out my cheeks, trying to ignore the stinging sensation in my eyes. I tell her everything. She already knew about Josh and when I ended up in the hospital, but she didn’t know about Kayden and everything I’ve experienced over the last few months. I tell her about my work overload, feeling behind and not feeling good enough.

She hugs me close to her chest, and it takes me a second to breathe through her affection. For the first time in days, a tear escapes my eye. “Why do I hate myself, Mum? Why do I push people away who care about me?”

My mum holds my face in her hands and swipes away damp strands of hair that have clung to my cheeks. “Sometimes, we do stupid stuff because we believe we don’t deserve good things in life.”

“But what if I don’t deserve him?” I sob.

“He loves you, yes?

I nod once.

“Do you love him?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “Yes,” I say eventually. “But that’s what I’m scared of, Mum.”

“Of what, honey?” She frowns and drops her hands from my face to hold my fingers.

“I thought I loved Josh, but now I realise whatever I felt for him wasn’t love because what I feel for Kayden is so real and pure. It scares me because I have no idea how to deal with these true feelings.” I wipe my eyes with shaky hands. “I’m not making any sense.”

My mum sighs, and I can’t find the strength to look at her. “Kayleigh, let me be honest with you for five seconds,” she says sternly. “From the sounds of things, what you and Kayden have is very special. But you need to take this whole situation by the reins and regain control. You know how you feel; I know you do. You’re just scared of what might happen in the future in case you get hurt again. That’s completely understandable. But you can’t let the unknown future hold you back. You two are in love with each other. Does that mean you should be alone forever instead? No. You should be out there with him, telling him the truth, your worries, your fears.”

Of course, I want to be with him, but she’s right. I’m terrified of the future. I can’t bear being hurt again, especially now I feeleverythingfor him.

“And I know, you’re probably thinking that’s ironic after what happened between your dad and me,” she says quietly, and my eyes immediately flick to hers. “But we weren’t happy for a long while, and we didn’t want to interfere with your studies. What I did was wrong, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Your father didn’t deserve it, and I know deep-down inside, you hate me a little for it.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “Only because I know how much it hurts to be cheated on,” I admit. “It destroys your soul,and you’re guessing why you weren’t good enough in the first place.”

My mother’s eyes glisten with tears, and she nods. “I know. I messed up. I hurt you. I hurt your father. I hurt this family. I was selfish, and I’m sorry. But please don’t let what I’ve done and what Josh has done determine how you’re going to live the rest of your life. Kayden sounds like a good man—don’t let him slip away. I don’t want you to regret anything, Kayleigh.”

“He probably hates me.” I shrug pathetically. “I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, and it wasn’t good when we did.”

“Look at me, Kayleigh,” she says softly, and I shift my eyes to hers. “If he really loves you, he’d try to understand what you are going through. He’d understand that you need space, and I’m sure he will be there for you with open arms, ready to give your relationship another go. But this time, with some support and better communication between you both. You need to show him you’re willing to work through this and you won’t give up this easily again.”

“You think he will?” I ask, blinking back my tears.

Mum gives me a full, supportive smile. “The right one will wait, trust me.”

After my conversationwith my mother, I dragged myself into the shower and somehow convinced myself to leave to see Kayden. I can’t leave things how they are. Do I really want to punish myself this badly?

I deserve to be happy, so why do I struggle to allow myself to be?

The drive back to Wildemount isn’t a short journey, but I can’t leave Kayden in the dark any longer. Mum was right;we need to communicate, and I need to learn to communicate better. How will we ever work if I don’t talk to him and be honest?

Despite my stomach churning in knots and nausea crashing over me like a tidal wave, I know I have to do this. I sit in my car outside their gated community for ten minutes as I build up the courage to ask to come in.

“Come on, Kayleigh,” I grumble to myself. “You can do this.”

The guards standing at the gate give me a wary look. “Uh. I’m here to see Kayden.”

He stares at me for a long moment, and I start to think I’ve been banned from coming to their house. Dread floods me, but moments later, the gates open, and I inhale a breath before driving towards their house.

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