Page 51 of Advice from a Sunflower

“What are you doing here?” I call out, stepping out of the way to slide my shoes back on so I can make my way closer to him.

“Come on, Mouse. Isn’t this the kind of sappy thing you write about?” Eli teases.

I’ve made my way over to where he’s standing and the only thing between us is the canvas wall they’ve built to separate those who have been security checked from those who haven’t.

“Don’t go,” he gently murmurs. He says it so quietly, I almost think I’ve imagined it. But the pained look on his face tells me it was real, though I can’t connect the dots in my brain to understand why. He was the one who kept telling me to leave.

“You wanted to destroy me, Eli. You succeeded. There’s no reason for me to go back.”

“I never wanted to destroy you. I just don’t know how to do this without falling for you all over again. I wasn’t sure if I could take another rejection.” He runs his hands through his mussed-up hair, chuckling nervously. “Turns out, I can’t.”

“I’ve never rejected you.”

“Just don’t get on that plane. Let me explain everything before you write us all off for good,” he begs, every trace of the volatile man I've been dealing with for the past few weeks wiped away from his demeanor. This man before me more closely resembles the boy I fell in love with, which is what has me nodding my head and turning to ask a security officer how to get back to the other side.

After some resistance, I’m escorted around the partition and promised that I won’t make my flight. Eli is waiting in one of the chairs set up off to the side. His head is bowed down between his legs as his elbows rest on his knees. It’s such a vulnerable position to see him in; a huge contrast to the image he’s been maintaining with me. Almost as if he senses me staring, he lifts his head to meet me with a smug smirk.

“Explain.”

He nods and clasps his hands together, quietly deciding where to begin. “Marnie sent me here. She thinks that if you would have gotten on that flight, you wouldn’t find your way back here ever again. Honestly, I think that, too.”

He pauses, watching me for any debate. My face remains neutral, giving nothing away. They’re right.

“I fucked this up from the beginning, Mouse. I’ve wanted you since we were eight years old and you re-readJane Eyrewhile Marnie tried to flirt with me. Somehow, everything got in the way of us, and I lost you before I’d ever even gotten a chance to fully have you. Then Emma—God she was terrible to you. I’m so grateful she gave me Sadie, but I would have done things differently if I knew….” He drifts off for a moment, shaking whatever thoughts he isn’t speaking out loud before continuing. “I shouldn’t have treated you like shit when you came back.”

“You’re right.” I say with false indignance. I’m waiting for him to finally speak the words I hope are coming. To say what I’ve wanted him to say since we were preteens. I won’t assume ever again.

I can’t do this one-sided anymore.

He springs up from his chair and looms over me for a second, dark eyes staring deep into my soul. “I love you, Mouse… I mean, Lyla,” his hand is running through his hair again as he begins pacing back and forth. “I love you so fucking much, and I’m pissed that I’ve wasted a lifetime waiting to tell you that. I planned to come here and spew some bullshit about not leaving because your family needs you, but that’s not really why I came. I came becauseIneed you. Iwantyou. And I’m sick of doing this shit without you.”

How long have I yearned for those words? Dreamed of him standing before me and declaring his love the way he’s just done? None of my imaginary scenarios prepared me for the rush of emotions that would wash through me at his admission. The sense of relief that would flow through my veins and pump into my heart like some sort of drug. It’s completely overwhelming, rendering me speechless, which I’m terrified he’ll take as a rejection instead of seeing it for what it is.

“Admit it, every man you’ve ever been with has been compared to me—how I feel on your skin, how I taste in your mouth… all of it. And every single one has come up short. I know, because I’ve done the same shit with you.”

His pacing stops so he’s toe-to-toe with me, staring down into my eyes that have been religiously following him through his rant.

“You’re mine. You can fight it as long as you want, but I’ll always be here, waiting for you to come to your senses so we can get back to Eli and Mouse.”

There’s a split second of hesitance as his lips linger in front of mine, waiting for the rejection he knows he’ll never receive. Once he’s sure I’m not going to run away, one hand snakes behind my head to cradle my neck while the other swings across my back, tugging me flush against his torso as he kisses me with every ounce of desperation he’s held back for the past twenty years.

He’s not punishing or mocking me this time. He’s begging me to give him a chance. To giveusa chance. I return the kiss the only way I know how. With zero uncertainty, intent on letting him know that nothing he’s just admitted is one-sided. That he’ll never know the isolating feeling of loving someone who refuses to love you back. I’m all in with him and done wasting time on petty, meaningless vendettas.

I’m not sure how long we devour each other before he slowly pulls away and stares back down into my eyes.

“I love you, Eli. But you’ve known that for a long time.”

***

It's late when we arrive back at Marnie's. All I want to do is fall into bed with Eli and show him exactly what he's missed, but the unfinished business between Marnie and me is nagging away at my heart. I can't fully commit to being back without removing the wedge that's between me and my sister.

The house looks dark and tired. I almost turn back to head toward Eli's house where he's agreed to wait for me, putting off the confrontation until the morning, when I notice the dull lamp in the living room is still on. She's still awake. There's no reason to back out. The coward in me tries to convince me to leave, but I've learned to ignore her throughout the years.

It takes me a few deep breaths and false starts before I get the courage to walk onto the porch and knock on the front door. Marnie answers right away, shock written all over her face.

"What happened?" she asks in a low voice. My eyes swing up the stairs to the girls' open bedroom door. A muted night light glows against their walls.

"We need to talk."

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