Page 27 of Your Soul to Keep

Sex.

My hands slid away from his shoulders as I curled away from him, the sudden coldness of his withdrawal leaving me dizzy. My eyes met his briefly before flitting away.

“Sex? With me?” I clarified. “You don’t want it to be about grief?”

He brushed my hair back from my eyes, the tension I’d attributed to need easing from his tall frame. His gaze narrowed on mine, searching. “Yes.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my face away. God, I probably looked a sight. Eyes red, nose running, hair a mess.

A wave of anger rose up to shield me. Why couldn’t it be about grief?

About comfort?

When did I get to decide what sex was for?

I pushed on his chest, my jaw clenched tight, but I couldn’t move him.

“Youdon’t want it to be about grief? About comfort?” I snarled. “Tell me, please, Gabe, what doyouwant it to be about?”

Because God knows it’s never about what I need.

He pulled back, taking me with him into the shelter of his chest, but I worked my elbows up between us and pushed myself back.

He held his palms up, his eyes wary. “I’ve obviously hit a nerve here. I just want—”

I sprang to my feet and moved away from the couch.

He followed just as quickly.

“You want, you want,” I spewed. “You know what the last guy wanted? A womb for hire. Sex served one purpose and one only and that was to fill my womb.” I pressed my fist into the softness of the tummy that had so utterly failed me as yet more tears sprang from beneath my swollen lids. “And when that failed, he left, Gabe!”

Shuttering down his emotions, he stuffed his hands in his front pockets and stepped back.

Reality hit me hard. There would be no comfort here. I allowed my familiar, benign mask to smooth all expression from my face.

His brows furrowed as he studied me. “What is happening here?”

Blessed numbness returned, softening the serrated edge of the past. Even the shame of his rejection receded into the distance.

I drew in a calming breath. “I appear to have misjudged. I apologize.”

“Shae,” he reached for me, his brow lowering ominously, the tiny muscle in his jaw clenching tight. “I want you; I’ve always wanted you, but right now I just want to be there for you.”

I stepped back and crossed my arms over my chest, cupping my hands around my upper arms as I met his eyes. “Thank you.” I forced my lips to turn up in the semblance of a polite smile.

As his eyes searched mine, his confusion morphed into resignation. Dipping his chin, he explained, “I want you, Shae. I want to be everything you need but I can’t be a temporary diversion to distract you from your grief.”

My jaw dropped at the insult. I rubbed my upper arms, the sudden silence of Nan’s house pressing in on me from all sides. I closed my eyes for a moment. If I could just sleep, I could put this day behind me.

“I wantedyou, Gabe,” I replied quietly. “You. But I wanted you to comfort me. Is it so bad to need a temporary reprieve? But I guess that’s not what sex is for, right?”

“I’m sorry, Shae,” he murmured, his voice low and soothing as he stepped closer. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Baby.

Gabe laughing, dipping down for a kiss.

Nan scolding, turning away before I saw her smile.

---