Page 46 of Love, In Balance

I’m feeling fucking petty. And I’m not fucking sorry about it. The lump in my throat is enough to make me feel choked. I’m angry. I’m fucking angry! I’ve led myself right into another trap. And now here I am.

I’ve been lifted into bliss, just to be dropped into the shit. Again.I thought this was going to be something real. I was feeling full of hope, safety, sexual tension, happiness and pure balance. Now I’m in a deep pit. No lights on. No one to wrap their arms around me. Just me. Alone with my most depressing thoughts about how unlovable I am, again.

No mum to call.

No dad to threaten to beat up the guy who hurt me.

No little brother to annoy the shit out of me and make me forget all about things. Just me. Alone.

I can’t believe I’ve been this stupid again to think that someone was genuinely interested in me.Fool.

I hit myself in the head, pull intensely at my hair, throw my phone and then realise I can’t go back to old ways.

My realisation cuts through my cries.

My body doesnotdeserve the harm I could cause myself.

I know that when I feel like this, like there’s no hope, I fall into dangerous thought patterns, so I reach for my crisis kit. I spend the evening crying, but not hurting myself, which is a huge thing for me.

I struggled with trichotillomania after the accident. I pulled my hair so much that I ended up with bald patches, which in turn lowered my self-esteem and mood even more. With professional help, I recovered, but I still have tendencies which can be triggered by extreme emotional states, like right now.

So I created a crisis kit, with the help of my therapist to prevent self-injury and find more productive ways to get through a bad time.

I play my crisis playlist, which consists of mindfulness exercises, vestibular exercises, calming music and walk through therapeutic meditations.

I use my elastic bands to fidget with and lightly flick on my wrist when I need it. I also use my tweezers to pluck at my leg hairs. These things help to ground me and help me feel somethingwhilst I struggle to cope with the negative thoughts.I discovered these techniques during my teen years when I struggled with self-harm.

In this moment, I realise how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come. I smile and wrap my arms around myself, because fuck, I deserve it right now.

I don’t attend sessions for the next two days.

I can’t face it right now, and the amount I’ve cried has made me feel drained and unwell.

Despite my exercises, my balance is off, and I can’t work like this. I’ve told Drew and Professor Peters about my absence and that I’d be taking a few days to recover.

I have however kept the reason to myself. Otherwise, I’ll be seen as the whiny girl who needs days off when she’s sad. And fuck that. Mental health and wellbeing come before all else, so everyone else can deal with it or swivel.

Drew demands that he and the guys should come over, but I lie and tell him I don’t want them all to catch anything.

Si and his annoying chemistry knowledge keep worming their way into my inbox, asking what kind of ‘ill’ I am and recommending different medications and remedies.

They’d all disown me if they knew I was lying.

Hell, I’d do the same if they were in this position and didn’t tell me. Drew still doesn’t know about what happened with Pierce either. I’m just terrified that I’d be blamed if I told anyone about how Pierce is with me.

Speak of the devil.

I get a text pop up on my phone. It is certainly not welcomed.

Pierce:Hey babe. Nice to bump into you earlier this week. Haven’t seen you much since the social, and you rudely left without giving me a kiss goodbye ;)

I’m still picturing you in that outfit. I need to fulfil my promise and get my hands on you some more. Maybe I can come over later this week x

Who the fuck does he think he is? And what planet does he live on. I’ve made it clear that I’m not ok with these advances, but he thinks I’m just being shy.

I reply instantly.

Lista:Pierce, again, I’d really rather you didn’t message me things like this. I don’t need you to come over so please don’t. I’m unwell, but I’m fine.

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