Page 31 of Love, In Balance

I mean, what better to brighten your spirits and ground you than the thought of a good coffee and slice of cake?

When we arrive at my destination, I get out of the taxi, walk up to the house with haste and ring the doorbell. Quin opens the door, and his face is a picture; Shock, concern and anger, but mostly filled with worry. He looks... distressed.

“Lista, what are you doing here? … Get inside” he says forcibly, but full of compassion and care.

He guides me in, his hand on my lower back.

His house is beautiful.

Cream walls, surrounding a dark deal accent wall. Black and grey comfortable furniture.

Clean, decluttered and slick, but still warming and homely. He guides me to the sofa and places a blanket at my side.

“Give me a minute Lista”, he says before walking into a room that I assume is the kitchen.

I can’t help but feel calm here. I feel…safe, warm and at ease. I sigh in relief as that feeling of ease encompasses my body. I feel content being with Quin, knowing I can explain to him how Ido, in fact, feel safe with him.

Since I made him feel shitty earlier.

I look around and notice the table in the centre of the room is topped with a neat pile of books and a plant.

The TV is playing relaxing music, with a beautiful winter scene displayed on the screen, and there is a book on the arm of the sofa with a bookmark in it too. He must have been reading before I kindly disturbed him.

There’s something so attractive about a guy who reads.

He comes back a few minutes later with two mugs topped with cream.

He places them on the table in front of the sofa and sits closely beside me, but still honouring my space enough to let me breathe.

“Lista, you should be at home. Why are you here?... you know what, that doesn’t matter. I’m sorry” he says, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. “Look, something clearly happened earlier and all I wanted was for you to be ok. So, I guess I’m just confused that you’re here”, he says calmly, looking down at his legs.

“Quin, I had to make sure you knew that I feel safe around you. Drew told me you left earlier after he and the guys arrived because you wanted me to feel safe. I couldn’t bear the thought that you felt shit. I… I”. and there it goes again.

Words stuck, tears filling my eyes and the overwhelming feeling that I’m the one to blame for this entire night.

My eyes are shut as I ground myself, tapping into my logical mind to avoid a panic attack being triggered.

That’s when I feel a comfortable heaviness at my core.

Quin has placed a hot water bottle in my lap, against my abdomen. His hand gently placed on top of my left shoulder.

“Focus on your breathing, Lista. I’m here. It’s ok”. I open my eyes and meet his hand with mine. Both resting gently upon my shoulder.

“I’m just…sorry Quin”.

He moves closer to me. Being here, inside the walls of his welcoming home, with him is the perfect amount of stimulation. It’s calming, visually decluttered, audibly comforting and a beautiful temperature. I’m not overwhelmed or crowded, and the more time I sit here, with him near, I slowly heal.

“Lista, you have nothing to apologise for. All I want is for you to feel ok. So just breathe, relax and try to empty your mind of worry. I’m ok. In fact, I’m even better now that I can make sure you’re ok”. He leans toward the table and passes me the mug. It’s hot chocolate.

The feeling of familiarity fills me with comfort. Every time I’ve been with Quin, we’ve shared a hot chocolate.

There’s something odd about it that grounds me and pulls me back to earth. He gets me. And a mutual love for warm beverages is enough to bring anyone together.

We talk for hours before he gets me a taxi home.

I avoid bringing up what triggered my episode though.

It’s my fault anyway, so I’ll just process it in my mind, lock it inside that vault and do what I always do; Act like everything is ‘A ok’. I’m scared he’ll think it was all just me hugely overreacting, so it’s easier to just keep my lip sealed.

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