Page 15 of Love, In Balance

“Snap” he says.

He’s vegan too. Why do I now feeleven moreattracted to him?

The conversation flows and has these lovely comfortable silences that make me feel safe and content.

We really do just seem to get on well, despite the hiccup of our earlier run in. It really was all just one big misunderstanding. He tells me exactly what had happened the day he and Edward wererobbed. I demand he show me his arm and foot. They’re badly bruised and tender due to the fractures and trauma. Apparently, most of his abdomen is similar.

I’m definitelynotthinking about that… Well, trying not to.

I feel awful for not believing him. I’ve just been hurt so many times that the probability of him genuinely having a real excuse to not reply was low.

I explained this to him, and he seems to understand, thankfully. In true Callista style, I apologise at least once every fifteen minutes to him.

How do people treat others like shit and live with it?

I’ve been defensive in this scenario to protect myself and yet I feel so guilty for my actions. Like, losing sleep kind of guilty. He notices me ruminating and places his hand gently over mine, offering a small squeeze.

His hand engulfs mine and the warmth from him flows through my body from this small point of contact. He’s sweet and lovely, but so manly it makes me quiver.

One big dichotomy, yet somehow so beautifully balanced.

“Callista, I’ve told you, it’s ok. You’ve done nothing wrong. I understand why you found it hard to believe me. It’s a pretty unbelievable set of circumstances. But it’s in the past now”.

Why is the guy who lost my number and then got beat up and robbed the only decent guy I seem to have come across? Literally everyone else ghosts me without giving a shit or tells me to my face that I’m not their type before swiftly leaving. Usually It’s once they’ve realised I’m minus half a leg. It angers me that it makes such a difference to people’s opinions of me.

“Right ok. In the past it is… I’m possibly still going to keep apologising. It’s just who I am. When I do wrong, I like to make sure the person knows that It’s not in me to make someone feel like shit”.

“Lista, I know. I can tell you’re one of the genuine ones. And I’d like to think I am too” he says with a slight sigh.

His voice is so deep and smooth.UghI want to record him reading my favourite book and play it over and over again. He’s got a deep, yet smooth voice with a classy bite to his accent. He reminds me of Matthew Macfadyen’s Darcy, and I’m living for it.

“So, why do people think you’re a dick at the Uni?” I ask before thinking, genuinely curious. Not realising it may open up a can of worms (I’ve never understood that saying).

He looks at me with a look that says “Really?”,and his eyebrows pinch together, but he answers, nonetheless. He could quite easily shut me down and tell me to mind my own business, but he pushes through. What a saint.

“So, I take my job seriously. I’ve worked my way up from where my students are now. I had to gain respect from my fellow students, professors, industry professionals and basically every academic I came across for over ten years. I got kicked down, had some tough years training, and then in my first year of teaching was told that I was ‘too down to earth’ and that students had taken a favour to me in the wrong ways. I was supposedly too kind and soft and was pulled into the office because of what students were saying about me. Like what the fuck does all of that even mean?” He says whilst running his hands through his hair.

Yep. That can of worms has been opened. Might be too late to pop that lid back on.

He’s calm, yet stern and holds himself well, despite feeling wound up over the current topic. He takes a few breaths and then continues. “Fellow professors told me I wouldn’t be taken seriously. First year studentsdidtake advantage, spoke to me like I was one of them and didn’t take deadlines or evenseminars and lessons seriously. I was told that my behaviour around students was inappropriate and almost got a disciplinary Lista. Yet I’d done nothing but be myself. I’ve always kept professional boundaries. I’ve never treated my students differently and I’ve tried to ignore any advances made to me. But yeah, I just snapped. So, now Instead of the soft and kind,coollecturer, I’m now a dick, supposedly. I guess I prefer the latter if it helps my professional reputation. Although it doesn’t seem to stopsomestudents”. He sits back in his chair with a sigh.

Round of applause Lista, you dick.

Way to bring up a stupid topic and make him feel shittier than you already have.

“Look I’m sorry for asking and bringing it all up. Let’s just drink this delicious hot chocolate and forget about the shitty things. For the record, I think you’re cool”. I remember saying this to him on New Year’s Eve.

He lifts his head and smiles knowingly. His eyes creasing at the corners.

I continue “And despite despising you whilst watching you teach today, I admired you. You were professional, passionate, articulate and made learning interesting and fun. Yes, you take no shit, but that’s how it should be. We’re all here to learn and improve, so no one should be anything but focused during class. You’re a great lecturer and you should be proud of how you teach. I hope you get more respect from students. You deserve it. I say that as a fellow academic and student too. Plus, grumpy is kind of the new hot” I say, internally questioning why the fuck I would say that last part.

After my rather intense and passionate compliment about Quin, we share a silence that should be awkward, but it’s just us, smiling at one another, with him eventually thanking me through a sigh of relief. We sit for a while longer before gathering our things and heading out.

“Thanks for giving me a chance to explain Lista” Quin says as we leave the coffee shop, and head into the crisp cold January air.

“Thank you for meeting me and letting me apologise too. I hope it’s not awkward being around a student like this. I know we met prior to realising where we both are in life, but still”, I say glancing around and snuggling my face into my scarf.

“Lista, I knew you outside of work first. Yes, I must admit, you were the last person I expected to see in the lecture theatre today, but it was a nice surprise. And I can sleep easy now knowing that the cosy, beautiful woman I met on New Year’s Eve knows that she hasn’t been ghosted by a douchebag”.

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