Page 11 of Losing his Daddy

A marker.

A grave marker.

Except… Clancy wasn’t buried here. I was more confused than ever over this surprise.

The only logical explanation was that he wanted to give me something more private to have. I wondered if Atticus knewabout this place too. It would make sense given Norton already talked to him.

Part of me hated that. I didn’t want to share anything I had left with the others. My memories would always be mine, but this was different. It was a physical place, a tangible point.

I laid down beside the marker, my body aching to be close to the gift he’d left me. Others might have watched me with disgust had they been around. I couldn’t find it in me to care. Anyone who’d ever experienced grief knew the desire to hold on to the things you could. Every little bit was important and vital to keeping the person you’d lost close.

Much like I’d done that night in the field, I let myself talk to Clancy as if he were here. This time there were no tears, though it was just as difficult to get through emotionally. The difference was that I felt alone last time, while this time I felt… less. Less alone, less untethered.

It took me nearly an hour before I rose to stand. I didn’t want to leave. Not when I had so much more to say.

But there was another living creature waiting on me. The horse needed to be fed and given water. Had I known this was the surprise, I wouldn’t have brought her with me. I’d have driven, or hell, maybe even walked.

Next time, I would come alone. And I’d stay as long as possible.

Chapter Five

Gerald

As weeks turned to months,and then months into years, my coping faltered. Someone once told me there were five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

While I was sure this applied to a vast majority, I didn’t feel any of that. I was stuck in a sense of hopelessness that showed no signs of going away no matter how much time passed.

Every day I woke up felt like a chore.

Falling asleep was a nightmare.

It was all so pointless. I couldn’t escape the ghost of the man I loved.

The feelings worsened as the men around me began to fall in love.

The first to lose himself was Atticus. Not long after Clancy’s passing, Sean, a former ranch hand, showed back up. Apparently, he and Atticus had shared a night together many months prior, and Sean’s arrival reignited things between them.

In the midst of their figuring things out, Atticus found out the ranch was bleeding money. It was something even I hadn’t known, despite helping the prior Coleman owner with the books. Clancy had hidden the shortcomings so well I never noticed.That or I was too foolishly in love with him to pay close enough attention.

The men came up with an idea to host a market where we sold goods and invited the community out to enjoy the animals on the ranch. It was a risky move, especially given the initial investment.

To everyone’s surprise, the event did more than we could have hoped for. It was decided to continue the market monthly as a way to supplement the ranch’s income.

It was during the first market that the second man on the ranch found his person. Beau spotted Jackson, a hot single dad, and called dibs. Not literally, but he might as well have. They’ve been together pretty much ever since, and Beau is the best stepdad around.

After that, things felt like they’d evened out. At least they had until Bobby Allen found a man broken down on the side of the road with bruises on his face. Turned out that man was actual royalty from another country overseas who was on the run from his abusive family. Bobby Allen fell hard and fast, to the surprise of pretty much no one. He had a soft heart for the abused.

I thought things would be done after that. The only long-time ranch hands around were Corey and Harlan. Lars had left to go take care of his family, so he was out of the running. Corey liked people, though he never dated. And on the opposite end of things, Harlan didn’t like people and never dated.

Imagine my surprise when Dr. Griffin Hawkins showed up on the ranch with a smirk and a hard-on for Harlan. Much like Sean and Atticus, these two had history as well. History that rekindled boldly once Griffin and Harlan were in the same town again.

While all this went down, I focused on only two things — working and numbing the pain when I couldn’t work. The first was easy. I handled the accounting side of things for the ranch.Numbers made more sense than emotions these days. It was safe to stick with them. Numbing the pain took a bit more finesse. I had to test multiple methods before figuring out the thing that worked best.

Alcohol.

It was easy to get, fairly cheap, and no one questioned me having a drink at dinner. In fact, no one really questioned anything at all. Not for a very long time. Years, in fact.

But around the time Corey’s long-time pen pal showed up on the ranch to settle down after leaving the military, I’d become a full-time functioning alcoholic. At least, that’s what the doctors told me when I arrived at the rehab facility.

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