Page 78 of Losing his Daddy

Once we were both ready, I took off for the farm truck. Sir followed close behind. He went to the passenger side when I jumped in behind the wheel. One turn of the ignition had us heading past the barn and down a path I’d traveled far too many times.

Sir didn’t speak as I navigated across the empty field. It was only as we finally pulled up to the large tree that had only been a tiny speck when we started that he put the pieces together.

“Are you sure you want me here?”

I nodded, then got out. We met at the front of the truck. I took his hand and led him over to the marker.

“He’s not really buried here. This is just part of what he left for me,” I said as we stood beside the space. “I was so angry when I first saw it. Angry that he’d left. Angry that I’d still wished he’d acknowledged me to those around us.”

Sir stayed quiet as I worked through my emotions. Despite telling everyone at breakfast not to make me cry, I feel wetness coating my cheeks as tears fall. It was a self-inflicted feeling. One I couldn’t avoid given where I was at and what I was about to do.

I pulled the letter from my pocket. Unfolding the envelope, I looked over the imprint of my name again. The tears came harder, blurring my vision.

“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t — I can’t even read it.” I covered my face with my free hand.

“Then let me read it to you,” Sir said. He grabbed the back of my neck, giving it a reassuring squeeze to let me know he had my back. “Let me help you get through this, Precious. There’s nothing in this letter that will make me love you any less.”

Unable to speak, I nodded as I held the envelope to my shoulder. I felt the paper slip from between my fingers as he grabbed it. His hand remained on my neck. It felt like the anchor I needed, like if he let go, I might fall apart.

When he spoke, I heard Clancy’s voice say the words. It was as if he were here sharing them with me. I closed my eyes to soak it all in.

Dear Gerald,

I’m sorry for leaving you. More sorry than you’ll ever know. I wish there was more time for me to make things right. Hell, I wish I knew how to make it right. The only thing I seem to know how to do is to hurt you.

You’re hurting, aren’t you? I know if the roles were reversed, I’d be a mess.

God, I wish I could be there to hold you, baby. I wish I could tell you how much I love you one last time. I wish we had one more night where I could just lay beside you, watching you sleep.

Soon enough that won’t be an option. I’ll be long gone by the time you read this. I told the lawyer to be sure you got this right after, so you’d have a small piece of me. It’s why I also set up the marker by our spot. If there was one place I wanted to make forever ours, it’s that tree in that field. The one place I let myself love you so freely.

If there’s one thing I want to make sure to say, it’s that I need you to open your heart up again to someone. I don’t want you to waste away mourning me when I’m not worthy of the time. You should be loved loudly. You should have everything I could never give you.

I was a scared man. It took me facing death head-on to realize how dumb I’d been. By then, it felt like it’d be too much to put on everyone. Not only would I be dying, but I’d have them questioning memories and years of interactions.

Is that a good enough reason to let you suffer alone? No, it’s not. But I can’t change what’s happened.

As I write this letter now, I’ve just spent the entire night watching you sleep. We’ve got another appointment in aweek, but I don’t know that I’ll make it that far. I’m not sure how I know. I can just tell it’s getting close.

All I can think of right now is how much you’re going to miss me, I’m going to miss you tenfold. Wherever I end up, know that I’m dreaming of you. My wife was my first love, but you, Gerald Grimes, are the love of my life. You’re the person I was meant to spend forever with. While we won’t get that chance now, I hope you find your forever person after I’m gone.

I love you.

I’ll forever be yours.

I hope one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

And if, by chance, you meet the man of your dreams, I pray he’s everything I couldn’t be.

Forever and ever,

Clancy Coleman

Sir caught me before I hit the ground. My sobs echoed around us as the pain of loss crashed back into my life. I’d thought I had nothing left to feel, but I was wrong.

“It’s ok, Precious. Let it out. I’ve got you. I’ll always have you.”

The words were said on repeat until I calmed. As my body exhausted itself and the tears dried up, I accepted the truth of it all.

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