Page 9 of NYE in The Cayman Islands

“You all know how desperately I wanted a little girl, and we tried for a while to conceive her. I needed her to complete my family, but since she was born, I haven’t felt right and have been struggling with things.”

“Oh, Bella, you had a rushed premature birth, and your hormones must have been all over the place.” I know Mia is trying to help, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

“I think it’s more than that,” I say, taking a moment. “I just feel like I’m failing at everything. The boys are crazy most days, and the house is a mess. I’m not spending enough time bonding with Millie so that she knows she is loved. I’ve been trying to help with work, which is what I want to do, but am I putting my work before my kids? By the time I fall into bed at night, even if Tate waits for me, I’m just too tired and not interested in sex. My body feels like everywhere you look you can see the results of being pregnant three times. Tate has hired a night nurse for a few nights a week when we get back so I can get some sleep, but I don’t want that. It’s my responsibility to raise my kids. Plus, the charity has its next function coming up, and I’m supposed to be helping Tilly. And all of this is just the beginning of the things I’m not getting my head around.”

It's like now that I’ve started, I can’t stop talking and it all rushes out.

“I haven’t even managed to make it to our last few girls’ get-togethers, and I can’t tell you the last time I made it to a beautician, not that it’s even that important. But I don’t even look attractive anymore, and that is just making it worse. I don’t even know why Tate wants to have sex with me anymore.” That feeling I get in my gut when I look at myself in the mirror is back, and I just think he is probably pretending he is attracted to me because he thinks he should. That’s a husband’s job.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s back the truck up here. Nobody needs a beautician to make them beautiful. Sure, they can help enhance it and make us feel good in our own skin, but you are so naturally beautiful all on your own. Right now, after three babies and the toll it’s taken on you, I’m still sitting here looking at a stunning woman.” Tilly is not pulling any punches. “And I can tell you that is crazy talk that Tate doesn’t find you attractive anymore. Lordy, the way he looks at you any day ofthe week has never changed since he admitted to himself that he was in love with you.”

I want to believe her, but it’s hard.

When you doubt yourself, it’s so hard to believe what other people might see.

“You need to tell him what you are feeling. Men are not great mind readers. Don’t doubt him, and give him the chance to be there for you.” My sister-in-law is always calm and straightforward.

Maybe that’s my problem.

I haven’t let anyone be there for me.

Chapter Three

ARABELLA

“You are probably right.” Thinking about Tate and how much I love him, I know he is going to be hurt when I talk to him.

Why haven’t I said anything to him before now?

“Can we also talk more about the parts that I’m worried about, how you feel like you aren’t coping, how you are worried what care Millie is getting, your ability to be the perfect mom and doctor at the same time? But most importantly, can we talk about the biggest thing I took from that sentence, that you are afraid to take the help that Tate is trying to give you with the night nurse?” Paige is a woman who to me looks like she successfully juggles it all. She has two children, owns and manages a billion-dollar business empire, looks after her aging father and his wife, and still looks so put together.

“What do you mean? I didn’t say no to the nurse.” Although in my head I know I only did so begrudgingly because Tate wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I didn’t want to, because to me it’s like I’m failing, and that just adds to me feeling flat.

“Maybe so, but it’s written all over your face that you wanted to.” She sees right through me.

I don’t say anything but just drop my head a little, and they know my answer.

“Millions of women around the world manage to do just fine, having kids, working, managing a home, keeping it all together. So, I should be able to do it as well. Those women don’t have the luxury of being able to afford hired help or live the kind of life Tate and I do. Don’t ask me why, but I just feel like I should be able to cope better than I am.” Another few stray tears run down my cheeks again.

Then I say something I didn’t even know was inside me.

“I just want to be the perfect mom and have the perfect family.”

“You do,” Tilly says at the same time as Paige.

But it’s Mia’s answer that resonates the most with me. “No one is perfect. You need to realize that, and it will get easier.” She says it in the strongest voice which is so unlike her.

I look at her, wanting her to explain what she means. Plus, I can see the shocked look on Tilly and Paige’s faces.

“I was one of those women you mentioned. You know my story. Just getting through every day was a struggle. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other until it got a little easier. It was the hardest part of my life and not because I was poor or had a dirtbag of a husband back then.” She moves so she is sitting right next to me and puts her arm around me.

“It was difficult because being a mother is hard.”

Her words bouncing around in my head are just that simple.

“Being a mother is hard,” I whisper to myself.

“That’s right. I’ve had kids in two different chapters of my life. One where I couldn’t sleep, worrying if I could feed them the next day with no support from anyone, and it was hard.The second time when the twins were born, where I have so much money, an amazing supportive husband and all of you…” she says, her eyes moving around the group. “And still, being a mother is hard.” Her arm tightens around me, and she gives me a squeeze.

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