Page 15 of NYE in The Cayman Islands

“This will be hard to say, so can you just let me get it out and then we can talk about it?” I’m already feeling the emotion bubbling under the surface as I start to speak. Tate nods at me and gives me the space to collect my thoughts, not rushing me but just slowly rubbing his hands up and down my back to soothe me.

“I know I should have said something sooner, but I had needed to face it myself first, before I could share how I feel.” I take a deep breath and continue on.

“Ever since Millie was born, I haven’t felt right, not physically but mentally.” I start to talk faster to get it out now that I have begun. “I am a doctor and know all the signs for post-partum depression, and although it is not severe, I think I have some form of it. I just don’t feel like I’m coping or that my skills as a mother are good enough.” I can feel Tate stiffening under me, and he is about to jump to my defense, but I lift my finger and place it on his mouth before he can talk. “Please, just let me finish.”

I can tell it takes a lot of restraint from him.

“My memory of my mother was how perfect she was, and I suppose I have always just wanted to live up to her memory. I feel she would be proud of me becoming a doctor, but I want to be the perfect mother too. And I know that sounds ridiculous because no one is flawless, but that is what I have been trying to achieve. Yet some days, I just feel like I’m not winning at anything I try to do. The house is a mess, the boys are running rings around me, and Millie won’t settle even after she is fed and changed. And then all I want to do is spend time with myhusband and let you make me feel good, but the moment I look in the mirror, I see this woman with bags under her eyes, stretch marks on her body, boobs that are sagging, hair that looks so flat and needs attention. Why would you even want to love me when I look like this?” The tears that I was trying so hard to keep at bay are already falling, and I can’t seem to stop them.

“I can’t keep quiet. Not now,” Tate blurts out. And to be honest, I thought he did well to last this long.

My emotions are overflowing, and I’m not sure I can speak anyway.

“No, no, no, I don’t want you ever thinking that I don’t love you. Because not a day goes past, or even a minute, where I love you any less than the minute before it. Instead, every second my love for you grows. I never understood love until I met you, Arabella. And then that night of your eighteenth birthday, I knew there was no going back for me. But what I need you to understand is that I love you no matter what you look like. You can be dressed in an evening gown or some sexy lingerie, your doctor’s scrubs or my old track pants and an oversized shirt from my college days that you just won’t throw out.” And the thought of that holy tattered shirt has me smiling through my tears.

“But those are all superficial things. What’s underneath your physical appearance that you so poorly described is what I crave the most. The eyes that you describe as tired but no matter what still have a twinkle in them when I walk into the room, and your hair I love to run my hands through and bury my nose in because it smells like home. They are just the beginning of the absolute beauty I see before me. And I won’t deny your body has changed since you had the kids, but I just love it even more. Christ, Bella, do you not see and feel what you do to me every time I see you naked? The pain of my hard cock that is longing to be inside you some days is almost unbearable. And if anything, I love your body more now with stretch marks that you call them, where Iprefer to think of them as marks of the love you gave to grow our babies. And if you think I’m going to complain about you having bigger breasts now, then you are sadly mistaken. You had the best tits before the kids, but now, they are just like heaven every time I take them in my mouth. Shall I say the perfect mouthful?”

“Oh my God, Tate, you can’t say that.” I smack him on the shoulder with my hand.

“Yeah, I can, and I will because they were the boobs of goodness that gave our little ones the important nutrients they needed in their first moments of life. And will give their daddy years of enjoyment until the day he dies.” He can’t help himself; even when he is trying to be serious, his humor always creeps in.

“I’m not a cow just here for your milking pleasure.” I roll my eyes that are still full of water, but I’m no longer crying so hard.

“Wrong answer. You are not a cow, but they definitely are there for my pleasure and the pleasure I can bring you by playing with them.”

He kisses my breasts through my shirt, and even with all the emotions in my head and body, he still manages to have me tingling with just his simple touch.

As he raises his head, he is smiling at me, and his lips, rough from the sand and surf today, kiss me so tenderly. Just when I’m expecting him to start taking it further, he pulls away.

“If you let me, I will show you how much I still love every inch of your body and the way you turn me on just by being in the room with me. But first, I want to talk seriously about all the negative emotions you mentioned you’re feeling. I don’t want you to ignore them, and please, let me help you to work through them. You are one of the strongest people I know, but it is okay that you don’t feel like that right now. We can work through this, talk to your counselor, and do whatever you need me to do, even if that is to just do nothing and let you do it your way. I’m here for you no matter what. But remember one thing. Like you said,no one is perfect, and although I’ll never admit it outside this room, I’m so far from perfect it’s not funny. But somehow, you love me anyway.” I can’t help but burst out laughing now.

“What, you weren’t supposed to agree with me.” He pulls me in for the tightest hug that feels so amazing and is just what I need right now.

“Oh, Tink, I wish you had told me sooner, and I wish I was smarter and could have worked out what you really needed from me. I knew there was something, I just couldn’t tell what.”

Just like I thought he would, he starts to beat himself up for not seeing how much I have been struggling.

“No, Tate, this isn’t on you. I’m terrible at asking for help even when my logical brain tells me I need to. But I’m asking now for you to take my hand and walk with me until I can get back on my feet.” I pull back from him, needing to see his face and more importantly his eyes which are the windows to his soul, to know we are going to be okay, that I’m going to get through this with him by my side, not that I have ever doubted him for a minute.

“You’ve got me, however you need me. I never want you to doubt that.” The pure emotion in his voice goes straight to my heart.

“Thank you, for just being you.” Placing my hands on his cheeks, I pull his face toward me. “I know that was a lot, but just by opening up to you, my shoulders feel lighter. But you know what would feel amazing right now?” I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I just want to take the time we have and remind Tate how lost I would be without him.

“Tell me, Tink.” His voice has dropped that little bit deeper.

“To shower and clean off the day… and maybe then get a little bit dirty again.” I try to push off his lap to stand, but he’s not letting that happen yet.

“I only want what you want tonight. If that is to just cuddle and enjoy each other’s company, then that’s what we will do.” He’s trying so hard to hold back his own needs.

“Fuck no, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a sensual woman. Remind me, big boy.” My lust overtakes any of the negativity that I have been fighting, and although I know it won’t last, I want to take every bit of it and enjoy the night.

“Your wish is my command, my Tinkerbella.” And before I even get to reply, he is up on his feet and carrying me toward the bedroom where we left our bags earlier. Not stopping, he walks straight into the bathroom where the shower is huge, and it’s just as well with what we are about to do.

“I’m going to strip you down now, and I want you to remember how it feels to be worshiped.” Oh, that’s exactly what I want—no, it’s what Ineed.

Stopping in the middle of the room and lowering me to the ground, his hands that are still salt kissed from the ocean today get to work on the buttons of my shirt. In no rush, he takes his time, undoing them one by one until he bends slightly to reach the last one.

His head drops to my neck, and his lips explore up and down and nibble at my skin as he pushes the shirt off my shoulders and lets it slip to the floor.

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