Page 141 of Take What You Want

So much wasted time.

A sob wracks my chest and I bend over my knees. Nikolai stops me and pulls me into his chest, squeezing me so tightly it’s like he’s trying to form us into one.

“How did we — you were going to -–” I can’t form a full sentence. “What the hell, Nikolai.”

“Shhh,” he soothes me, running his hands over my hair. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I cry into his chest. “We wasted fucking years because I thought…because I didn’t want you to think that I was hung up on you.”

“Jane, listen to me. We wasted years becauseIfucked it up to begin with. If I would’ve just told you how I felt that night…” he trails off and sniffles, like he’s choking back his own tears. “None of this would’ve happened. But it did, and maybe that’s how things were supposed to happen. We were supposed to spend this time apart to grow as individuals before we found our way back.”

I lift my head off his chest to look at him. Tears stream down his face and he doesn’t try to brush them away. Doesn’t try to hide them from me.

“What do you mean if you would’ve just told me how you felt that night? The night of the release party?”

He slowly shakes his head and even though I know it’s coming, I’m not prepared for the blow his words deliver. “No, the night in my backyard. I should’ve said it then.”

“Nikolai—”

“Let me get this out, okay? I’ve felt it for years and I don’t know why I held it in.” His eyes scan my face and he brushes his thumb over my cheek delicately. “Maybe because I was a coward and too immature. Maybe because I thought there was a lifestyle I needed to live to fit the box I saw my life fitting into. Maybe it’s because I only ever saw my parents fight and if they supposedly loved each other enough to get married once, is that what my future would hold?”

He swallows thickly, and I gently nod, encouraging him to continue.

“It doesn’t matter at this point, I guess. What does matter is that I’m done holding it in. I’m done feeling this way and not telling you because I’ve seen how life changes in the blink of an eye. I watched people be here one minute and gone the next. And we’ve already wasted so much time, Jane.” His voice breaks. “So much fucking time. And I don’t want to waste anymore. I don’twant another minute to go by in this life that I haven’t told you that I love you.”

A fresh wave of tears burst from my eyes and down my cheeks, his words unlocking a dam inside.

“I’ve loved you since we were eighteen and I didn’t even know the depth of the word. I love you, Jane. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it.”

Finally hearing those three words from his lips, ones I never thought I would, glue all of the broken pieces of my heart back together. He might’ve been the one to shatter them in the first place, but he’s also the one to mend them.

“I love you, too,” I cry.

This time when he kisses feels different than all the previous ones we’ve shared. No one is holding anything back. There’s no walls, no barriers, no fears between us. His tongue locks with mine and I moan as he angles my head to deepen the kiss.

We hold each other until the sun fully rises. Then without a word spoken between us, Nikolai stands and holds his hand out for me. I take it and follow him into the house and upstairs. I expect us to go to my room as we’ve done in the past, but instead he pulls me into his.

He walks me backward to the bed until it hits the back of my knees and I sit. I open my thighs so he can stand between them as he cradles my jaw like I’m something precious. “I’ve been waiting to spread you out in here until we were past everything,” he says quietly. “I know it might sound dumb, but…”

I shake my head as I look at the man in front of me being vulnerable. “It’s not dumb. I’m glad you did.” I chew on my lip, suddenly feeling nervous. “This is it, isn't it? Like you and me.”

Nikolai smiles and it’s the most beautiful sight in the world. I could see the Mona Lisa in person, hike the Grand Canyon, and stand before the Sagrada Familia, and still, none of them could rival the beauty of a happy Nikolai.

“Yeah, LJ. This is it.”

Tears threaten to climb their way back up my throat but I shove them down as I pull Nikolai closer. He leans down and once again our lips meet. We’re a mess of shedding clothes and wandering hands as I lie back and he settles over me.

My fingers thread through his hair as he kisses down my neck and bare chest, nipping and licking along the way. I whimper as he teases my nipples and I feel his smirk against my skin.

He continues his descent down my body until he settles between my legs. He presses delicate kisses to the stretch marks on the inside of my thighs. I try to clamp them around his head, dislodging his attention and putting it somewhere else, but he pins my legs to the bed. “I love these,” he whispers reverently.

I squirm beneath his hold.

“I love every part of you, Jane.” He flicks his eyes to mine. “Even the parts that you don’t.”

His words drop straight into my heart. I trusted him when we were teens to be kind to my body, and I know I can trust him with it for eternity.

I try to pull him back up, but he resists. “I want to taste you first.”

---