Page 136 of Take What You Want

But I trust Nikolai and as the song comes to a close, he really has looked uncomfortable throughout the performance. He sings out the final note and my mind goes to a dreamlike space hearing his voice. Even after all these years, his singing still affects me the same way.

The bubble is burst the moment Kerra stands on her tiptoes and presses her mouth to his when the lingering piano chords die out.

Blood roars in my ears and I drop my hands to my sides in shock. The camera pans away from their kiss to the cheering audience and my heart plummets to the floor. The next shot shows the host, closing out the show and bidding everyone a good night. Commercials begin to roll but I’m too stunned to change the channel.

He kissed her.

He kissed Kerra on live TV.

Well, she initiated it but he didn’t stop it.

What the fuck just happened?

My hands are clammy as I run them through my hair. I’m trying to process what I just saw, to keep rationality at the front of mind, but my emotions are too entangled in the situation to think straight.

I know Nikolai has been working hard to prove himself to me the last few months. He’s been doing everything he can to gain my trust back and I know he doesn’t actually like Kerra.

Logically, Iknow.

But I also know Nikolai has hurt me in the past. And as hard as I’ve worked to seal those gaping wounds he left me with, seeing him kiss another woman just ripped them all apart.

My head and heart, recently realigned on their feelings toward Nikolai, reignite their war.

I knowthat Nikolai has been sincere with me. But that doesn’t mean that small voice in the back of my head sits quietly.

As I curl up on the couch, tucking the blanket tight beneath my chin, I wonder.

Has any of it been real?

35

NIKOLAI

“Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system.”

“Fuck!” I slam the phone against the backseat of the car and plant my elbow on the door, resting my head against it. I feel like bashing it into the side of the car instead.

Jane’s been sending me to voicemail for hours. After the performance, I chartered a jet and was flying back to LA within the hour. I couldn’t wait for my scheduled flight the following morning.

The sun is just beginning to rise over the hills as Hendrik drives me home. I’m just hoping, praying that Jane is still there. She texted me that she was watching the performance last night, so I know she saw Kerra kiss me. I’m still seething over her pulling that kind of stunt and the anger is good to focus on right now. It’s better than the panic churning my empty stomach at the idea that Jane thinks I betrayed her.

We turn onto my street and I unclick my seatbelt, ready to bolt the moment Hendrik parks.

“Thank you for getting up so early to pick me up.” I reach for the handle but Hendrik clicks the locks. I lean over the front console. “What are you doing?”

He un-clicks his seatbelt and turns in the driver's seat to face me.

“Be honest with her. But most importantly, be honest with yourself, son.”

I slump in the seat and drag my palms down the front of my face. I didn’t sleep at all last night on the flight and exhaustion is starting to weigh on me as much as everything else.

“You owe it to yourself to finally be honest with both her and yourself. I’ve watched you grow up into a tremendous young man amongst the pressure and circumstances that tried to change who you are. But you’re resilient. And I haven’t forgotten the many times you sat in that very seat and told me all about the girl that you let get away.”

I choke out a wet laugh as my eyes grow misty. “I fucked it up again.”

Hendrik shakes his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. She’ll listen to you. She’s a smart woman and she’ll know.”

My head falls against the headrest and I stare at the roof of the car. “I’ve put in so much work to regain her trust and it feels like I lost all of that in the matter of a few seconds.”

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