Page 86 of Take What You Want

She jumps to her feet as if the couch burst into flames. She’s running from this. From me. From us.

Just like I once did.

But I won’t let her. “Hold on,” I say, standing and blocking her path.

When she looks at me, exhaustion fills her eyes. Exhaustion from fighting this, from feeling like this. I know it because it’s weighing me down, too.

I cup her face and when she leans into my touch, it settles a small part of me. But it doesn’t last long as her lips part in a shaky breath. “I loved you.”

Past tense.

My lungs seize. “I know.”

“And you didn’t say it back.”

I hang my head. “I know.”

“How many other girls did you say it to after me?” Her voice cracks.

“None that mattered.”

“Did I ever matter?”

I sigh and run my hands through my hair as I take a step back. “You know you did, Jane. You still do. You’re the only one who ever did.”

Her face crumples as a tear escapes. “Then why did you break my heart into a million little pieces? You don’t do that to people that matter.”

My voice is weak as I say, “I’m sorry.” I know sorry is an empty word and a sad excuse of a bandage for what I did, but I’m ready to show that it’s not an empty promise.

“I’ve heard that from you before.” She looks at her feet and wipes her cheeks. “But it doesn’t change things. I can’t trust you, Nikolai. I can’t trust you with my heart again.”

The words are daggers to my own heart, slicing and stabbing and bleeding me dry in front of her. But I understand. I did this to us. I put us here.

“I don’t know if I’d trust me with your heart either,” I admit quietly.

“Do you really believe that?” She looks devastated at my words, but not for herself. No, Jane has always put everyone else's feelings above her own, including mine. And right now, she’s not only hurting for herself anymore. She’s hurting for me,too. That I could possibly think so little of myself when it comes to her and being worthy of a second chance.

But I’m selfish. And even though I know I don’t deserve it, I want it. I want to be better for her. I want to show her that I know how to love her now. I want to be able to trust myself with her heart, and I need to prove to the both of us that I’m capable of it.

9 YEARS AGO

NIKOLAI

“I love you.” Jane says the words that turn my blood to ice while she looks at me hopefully, nervously.

The grass that was once cool beneath my back grows hot and sticky, making my skin itch. I stare at the stars so that I don’t have to look at her face because I don’t want her to see how terrified I am of what she just did.

She can’t love me.

Not when she’s going to move to Boston in a few months and I’m headed to LA.

Not when I’ve seen how two people that are supposed to love each other eventually devolve into screaming and fighting and then even worse into ignoring and indifference.

I don’t want her to love me. Because if she does, then I’m responsible for her heart.

And I don’t want that on my shoulders. Not right now. Not when I’m only eighteen and at the precipice of what could be our band's big break. The responsibility is suffocating.

“Don’t love me,” I whisper as I look at the stars and wish for one to come down and swallow me whole. Maybe it’ll burn me along the way.

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