Page 87 of Take What You Want

I deserve it for what I’m about to do.

Jane, who was just lying in my arms like we were the only two people in the world, jerks up and stares at me. “What?”

That single word is filled impossibly full with shock and hurt and confusion.

I sit up too. “Don’t say that, Jane. Please.” It sounds like I’m begging and I might be. I didn’t want this to happen. At least not right now. I wanted to savor this last bit of time we had together until the final bits of sand fell in our hourglass. I knew our end was coming, but I didn’t want it yet.

Her eyes shine as she frowns, “No, I do, Nikolai?—”

“Jane, don’t.” My voice is harsher than I intend and I try to soften it. To soften the blow that I already delivered and can’t take back. “Don’t love me. We’re too young. I-I can’t. I can’t…” I trail off, running my fingers through my hair and pulling at the ends. The pain feels good at this moment and overrides the ripping sensation in my chest.

But this is the right decision, right?

If it is, why does it feel like this?

It was only supposed to be a friend helping a friend.

“You can’t love me?” Her voice cracks and I can’t even look at her. I stare down at the grass like a coward.

“I’m sorry.”

She chokes on my apology and rises to her feet. As she stands over me, I gather up the courage to look at her and I wish I didn’t. Because then I wouldn’t have to see the way she’s looking at me. Only minutes ago, she looked at me like I was her best friend, someone she trusted, and yes…someone she loved.

Now, she’s regarding me as if I’m a stranger and a cold, empty feeling expands in my chest.

Even right here, right now, I know this is going to be a moment in my life that I’m going to look back on and wonder if I made the right decision. It might haunt me and keep me up atnight, forever present in the recess of my brain to pull out on a lonely night or a gloomy day.

But I can’t make myself say the words back to her.

I can’t.

Our lives aren’t going in the same direction and it will just make things worse.

I’m doing this for both of us.

It’s for the best.

Isn’t it?

22

JANE

Me: Happy birthday…I hope you’re getting to do something fun today and it’s not just all work

Nikolai: Thanks LJ. Wish you were here with me to celebrate

Nikolai: And please…like you actually think I wouldn’t find some time on my bday to have a little fun? ;)

Nikolai’s down south for a show this weekend, which in retrospect, couldn’t have come at a better time, even if it is his birthday and he’s not here to celebrate it with his friends. Every year, he throws himself a huge party that usually ends up on the front pages of gossip sites and tabloids. But this year when I asked him about it, he told me he’s grown out of the bashes and will just have a low-key dinner with everyone when he gets back in town.

It’s a bummer he’s not here, surrounded by his friends for his special day, but it does give me some much needed space to get my head on straight without his presence suffocating my every thought. He left for Texas last night and our goodbye was tense.

He’s trying. I know he is.

But I need to make sense of the mess in my head before I can begin to talk things through with him.

And I have just the person to help me do it.

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