Page 48 of Might as Well

Violet

Merry Christmas. So do I.

Ellen Landry

Please tell me you aren’t spending Christmas alone. I can’t bear the thought, especially knowing you were supposed to be here with us.

Violet

My friend Cassie is with me.

That’s not exactly a lie. She has been and she will be. My anger swells. This was going to be the first Christmas in years I didn’t spend alone. That I would spend with my new family, and Zane took that away without hesitation.

Over what he mistakenly believes.

What an asshole.

Does his mom know why I’m not there? Maybe he came up with some excuse considering she texted me. I just wish I was there. My phone vibrates with another text.

Ellen Landry

Hey, it’s me. Zane. My phone is fucked up again. Mom’s been chewing me out the whole time I’ve been home and guilt has been eating me alive since. I’m sorry for going off like that on you without first asking what happened. I was drowning in my past. Can we talk when I get back?

I’m both relieved to hear from him and hurt he decided to text me instead of calling and actually talking to me. I’d hash out what happened right now, even if it did have to take place over the phone instead of face-to-face. At least we could clear the air. I guess he’s not ready for that, though. Not trusting my words, I simply respond with a thumbs-up.

Cassie returns before I know it. She has leftovers from her family’s meal and we nibble while bingeing Christmas movies. I’ve had a hard time keeping food down. Sometimes, the simple smell overwhelms me and sends me vomiting.

The next morning, Cassie eyes me and says, “Have you been taking your pills?”

“Uh.”

“Violet!”

I wave her off and return to my room to find my pills. It’s not that I’m purposely missing doses. It’s more like either I don’t think about it or I’m so tired and worn out that by the time I’m in bed, I don’t even want to roll over and find them.

I frown as I grab my packet of birth control, which I still haven’t stopped taking completely even though I think they trigger my migraines. Sporadic pockets are missing pills. When was my last period? I’m normally pretty regular, so keeping track isn’t something I bother with. I don’t think I’ve ever missedmore than a day of my pills before, but by the looks of things, I’ve missed way more than that.

“Cassie!” I scream before I can think better of it. She rushes into my room and I wave my pills at her. “What if what I’m feeling isn’t PMS?”

Her eyes widen. “I’ll run to the store.”

It seems like an eternity before Cassie returns with the test and even longer for the test to pop that I’m pregnant. Cassie squeals with excitement and declares she’ll be an aunt. I sit on my bed, gripping my hands so hard with worry. Guilt already drowns me because all I could think wasPlease be negative. Please be negative.How can I wish such a thing when there are women every day who would relish a moment like this, waiting with bated breath hoping to see a positive?

Good lord.

I’m going to have a baby.

A tsunami-size wave of anxiety rises and crashes over me as I stand to pace. The only word I can manage is a string of repeatednos. This can’t happen. I’m gonna die and the baby will be left without a parent. Why the hell wasn’t I more careful? AndZane. He’s not even here! He walked out on me.

“Violet.”

I’ll have a baby who’ll have no family because Graham is gone, Zane is gone, and I’ll die at some point because that’s the exact kind of hand I’m sure to be dealt.

“Violet!” Cassie grabs my arm a bit roughly, forcing me to face her. “It’s okay.”

I’m so far from okay, it’s not even funny. I yank my arm out of her grasp and force myself to take steady breaths. This is all I’ve ever wanted and while the situation isn’t ideal, I still want this. I can do this. I manage to walk myself off the ledge and face Cassie.

The moment I look at her, tears well in my eyes.

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