Page 23 of Honoring Lena

Twelve

Lena saton the outdoor loveseat she’d built with her dad in middle school and stared across the calm lake. Swallows danced and flipped through the air as they chased mosquitos. The flap of wings echoed loud in the peaceful night, and Lena held her breath as an eagle lifted from a tree and dove to the lake. Gosh, she’d missed this place.

The midnight sun skimmed low on the northern horizon, stretching the shadows of the black spruce into long, twisted forms of the originals. She’d always said the short trees looked like a bunch of old men with long shaggy hair and hunched and twisted bodies. Now, as the sun filtered through the sparse limbs, she couldn’t help but think she’d come to resemble them.

Being home with her family showed her that.

When had she become so twisted and haggard of spirit? She’d always pictured herself like the black spruce on the other side of the property. They grew in rich soil that could support the roots and allowed the trees to grow tall and straight … proud. As a child, she’d lain beneath them, staring up into the crisscrossing branches, vowing she’d be strong like the trees she loved.

Somewhere along the line, she’d lost a part of herself. She’d planted herself square in the boggy muskegs life had thrown at her. There was no doubt she was strong and resilient, just like the twisted spruce that grew above the harsh Alaskan permafrost. But inside, she felt dark, like she barely held on. As if someone could come along and, with one small push, knock her over, roots and all. Was it possible for her to get back into good soil, to find a way out of the frigid existence she now found herself in?

She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp, fresh Alaskan air so different from the Kentucky humidity she’d spent the last few months in. Could she let go of the burning need to avenge Ethan’s senseless death? His face flashed before her closed lids, the cocky smile that had said he could take on anything, even a stubborn, no-nonsense girl from the bush. She snapped her eyes open, her breath bottling up in her chest. No. She couldn’t dishonor Ethan’s memory by not doing everything she could. She’d already betrayed him with her growing attraction to Marshall.

“Can I join you?” Her mother’s soft question startled Lena and proved just how out of sync with her surroundings she was.

On the other hand, her ma had always walked on silent feet. She probably would have startled Lena anyway. Lena scooted to one side of the bench and shrugged.

“Thought you’d be in bed by now.” Lena peeked up at her ma. The yoga pants and sweatshirt didn’t diminish her regal posture.

Lena and her sisters had often speculated that their ma descended from some tribal royalty, a princess warrior from their Athabaskan past. The Rebel sisters varied in their appearances. Lena and Sunny took after their mom, while Astryd was more fair like their Norwegian father. Yet, they all had wanted to be like Ma. They’d marveled at their mother’s strength and how she was smarter, braver, and more beautiful than most people they knew. The years since Lena’s childhood hadn’t changed her mother much, but for maybe a few more laugh lines around her eyes.

Ma sat and turned to Lena, the merriment that had so often filled their home replaced by lines of worry. “Why are you out here after midnight staring off across the lake?”

Lena shrugged. “Just couldn’t sleep is all.”

“No, it’s more than that.” Her ma pushed Lena’s hair behind her shoulder.

Lena took a deep breath, stalling while she gathered her thoughts. But the more she tried to reign them in, the more they scattered and rolled about like a dumped bucket of cranberries. She huffed in frustration.

“I’m just confused, I guess.” Maybe she could tell her mom part of her troubles, then scurry away and hide before Ma ferreted out all of her thoughts. “I had plans to join this special team hunting down the people who are conspiring against the nation, the ones responsible for Ethan’s death, but now I’m here, with no clue how long we’ll be holed up on the mountain.”

Her mom nodded and gazed across the lake. “Why does that bother you? Do you not want to keep Carter and his dad safe?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Are you worried about protecting them?” Ma’s calm question rattled Lena.

“No.”

“Are they horrible people?”

“Ma, please, you’ve met them.” Lena rolled her eyes.

“Then why are you wanting to go somewhere else when you are needed here?”

“Because…” Lena grasped for a plausible reason before blurting out what was on her heart. “Because how can I find vengeance for Ethan’s death when I’m not out there searching for those who took him from me? How can I work for the man whose vote put the bullet in Ethan’s chest? How can I—”

She stopped herself before she said any more. She couldn’t say what she’d been thinking. She could never take it back once it was out.

“How can you betray Ethan by being attracted to Marshall?” Her mom’s soft question snapped Lena’s head back like a jab to the nose.

A lump formed in her throat as she shook her head in denial.

“Please, Lena. That man is hotter than a sled dog in July.”

Lena snorted, choking as she inhaled. “Ma!”

They laughed, the sound floating across the smooth water to flit about with the swallows. Lena crossed her ankles and clenched her fingers around the edge of the seat. It didn’t matter how hot Marshall was. Guilt weighed heavily on her and curved her shoulders inward. How could she possibly find anything about him attractive when he hadn’t stood behind the military like he’d promised?

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