Page 24 of Honoring Lena

Lena stared at the grass in front of her feet. She had to be the most disloyal person she knew. She needed to stuff down these traitorous feelings for Marshall, didn’t she? She couldn’t be attracted to the enemy, the man who betrayed his country and the men and women protecting it. What kind of soldier was she if she did? What kind of fiancée? Her nose tingled and eyes burned with emotions she refused to let fall.

“Did you know I was engaged before your father?” Ma pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.

Lena turned her head to her ma, searching for any mention of a fiancé in her memories. “I thought you and Dad had been high school sweethearts?”

A pained expression crossed her ma’s face. “No. We weren’t.”

“But Dad always says he loved you since you were kids.” Her skin tingled with the discomfort of the falsehood. Why had her parents lied all these years?

“He did.” Ma sighed. “I loved him, too, just not in the way he loved me. He was my best friend. We did everything together growing up. Living up in Chicken, year-round gold mining didn’t leave us with a lot of options for friends. Not that it would’ve mattered. Your father and I were stuck like glue from the moment his family moved up there.”

Lena tucked her foot under her knee and twisted on the seat so she could really look at her ma. If she was going to find out her idea of a perfect relationship was about to fall apart, she wanted to face the news head on. Did she want to know the truth? Maybe she should stop her ma from telling her story.

“A new family showed up in Chicken for the summer when I was a freshman in high school. Their son, James, was your dad’s age and fit right in with us, traipsed around the wilderness until he left with his family for their winter home.” A small smile lifted one side of Ma’s mouth. “The next summer when he returned, something had shifted between us. James and I started dating.” She shook her head. “I could tell it upset your father, but, at the time, I didn’t understand why, and he never told me. I just chalked it up to the hormones of a seventeen-year-old boy.” Her voice grew quiet. “But really, I just didn’t want to see how I had hurt Arne.”

Ma paused and stared across the lake. The silence stretched between them, and Lena wondered if she’d hear the rest of the story. She knew life growing up in the small gold-mining community had been a different lifestyle than she understood. The summer exploding the population to over a hundred, with people coming in to mine the Forty Mile district, then winter dwindling the community to a handful of resilient families who loved being isolated from the world. Few kids lived up there year-round. From Dad’s childhood tales, all he had was Ma, and Lena couldn’t imagine his heartache when her ma started dating someone other than him, especially someone who was a part-timer.

“Anyway, James and I got engaged the next summer.” Ma pulled the cuffs of her sweatshirt over her hands.

“But you were only sixteen!” Lena’s mouth gaped open.

“That didn’t matter. We were in love, and it was a different time.” Ma waved it away like it was no big deal. “He and Arne were going off to college in the fall, and James had a plan. He’d do his first year at college, then we’d get married the next summer. I’d be done with high school by then, since I was doubling up, so we could go to college together.”

“What happened?”

“Your dad and James went bear hunting one evening.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “They were walking into the bait stand when a grizzly charged out of the brush. Your father stumbled and tripped, and, well, he accidentally shot James.”

Lena gasped and covered her mouth. Her poor father. How horrible that must have been. His intense training on gun safety made sense now.

“I hated your dad, was convinced he did it out of jealousy.” Ma winced and closed her eyes. “I was so angry and hurt. The sadness and grief just consumed me until all I saw was hate. I never thought about what Arne was going through, the guilt he carried. All I thought about was my own pain.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

“It’s not something your dad talks about.” Ma shrugged. “As a soldier, you know how that is, Lena. There are some hurts where getting past them means leaving them in the past.”

Hadn’t Lena seen that over and over again with her military friends? They got help or talked to someone so they could leave the pain behind. Why hadn’t she done that with her own hurt? She had so many regrets pushed down deep, so many soldiers she hadn’t been able to save, most of all Ethan. It surprised her they all didn’t explode within her. How could her ma have ever forgiven her dad?

“But you married Dad.” She recoiled at the condemnation in her voice.

“It took me a long time and God forcing us together for me to realize my inability to forgive him not only punished Arne for something he already held more guilt than he should, but had also made me into a bitter, unpleasant person.” Her ma’s words cut a little too close to Lena’s heart. “We’re a lot the same, Lena. We have a tendency to hold on to things we should let go of.”

“I can’t let Ethan go.” Her chest ached, and she pressed a hand over her heart to hold it in. “Besides, what happened with Dad was an accident. Marshall made a conscious decision to vote that horrid bill in.”

“From what your Dad told me after talking with the man, he’s been doing everything he can to make up for that mistake.” Ma’s voice was steeped with lenience that a mother of seven rambunctious kids developed over constant tests to her patience. “Have you ever even talked to him about it, or have you just been caught up in your own misery?”

“He’s my boss.” Lena stood abruptly and stalked to the edge of the lake. “I don’t need to know his reasons. All I need to do is focus on the job.”

“You’ve never had a problem with focus, Lena. That’s for sure.”

The creak of the wooden bench caused Lena to tense. She didn’t want to think about this anymore. She couldn’t handle the emotions over Marshall and her grief and guilt simmering below the surface, let alone the mix her ma’s story had thrown in. If she didn’t tighten the lid on herself, she worried it’d all boil over. How could she do her job and keep Carter safe if that happened?

Her ma’s hand gently squeezed her shoulder. “I wonder, though, if you’re focusing on the wrong things?” She wrapped Lena’s shoulders in a one-armed hug. “Don’t let your inability to forgive darken your heart, Lena. You won’t find all the blessings meant for your future if you do.” She kissed the side of Lena’s head and let go. “Ethan will always hold the love of your past, but he’d be devastated if you let his memory destroy the love of your future. Maybe you should focus on that for a while.”

Ma left as quietly as she came, but Lena’s mind hadn’t calmed. Could she forgive Marshall, or would that betray Ethan’s memory? She swallowed the sharp pain lodged in her throat and closed her eyes. Did she have the strength to step from the unstable muskeg she’d planted herself in and root herself in soil that would allow her to grow? She wasn’t sure, and it scared her that she might not even be brave enough to try.

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