Page 120 of The Ruse

So I left and went to lunch.

I don’t know how I’m going to go back to his class on Thursday. I want to just drop the class and find a way to get my science credit some other way. But he’s the only biology teacher at the school so I’ll probably have to go back.

Ugh, this is such a disaster.

Why did I think I could get away with this?

The next few entries were more of what a regular high school student might talk about. She complained about tests, talked about wanting to try out for the winter musical, and ranted about some drama with her friends.

She mentioned Professor Hicks AKA “Elijah” a few times, but it was mostly to say that he seemed to hate her now. Or how he barely ever looked her way during class. And how she was pretty sure he was going to fail her.

But then, as the entries went on, she started saying things like, “Elijah looked really hot today. It was so hard to concentrate on what he was saying.”Or, “I wish he wasn’t my teacher. Every time he stands in front of the class, all I can think about is how much I want to kiss him again.”Or,“Today I caught Elijah staring at me while we did our biology lab. I purposely wore my skirt shorter since I remembered how much he liked feeling my legs when we made out this summer. Then once I knew he was looking my way, I pretended to flirt with my lab partner just for fun. He looked so jealous. Finally he showed some kind of emotion! Might need to test some more things out to be sure.”

October 20

I had to go into Elijah’s class for some extra help today. Apparently, I daydream too much about him during class and it’s gotten so bad I'm about to flunk biology.

When I first asked him for help, he thought I was just playing games with him and trying to find an excuse to spend some time alone with him—which is a special bonus, sure. But after looking over my assignment and seeing that I really had no idea what I was doing, he told me to pull up a chair and we went over some stuff.

To be honest, it wasn’t helpful at all. The whole time he was helping me, all I could think about was how good he smelled and how much I’d missed sitting this close to him and how nice his hands are and how I wanted to trace my fingers along the veins in his forearms or slip my hand on his leg under the desk.

He soon realized I was distracted though, because he looked at me and asked me to repeat what he’d just said. But I couldn’t remember anything aside from how his leg felt when he accidentally bumped it against mine.

Anyway, he said I should probably work with a tutor from now on if I keep having problems because it wouldn’t be appropriate for us to spend any more time alone.

So looks like I need to find a tutor.

It’s just so embarrassing because he knows how much I like him, but he wants nothing to do with me.

October 25

I went to a party at one of my friend’s house this weekend. It was super dumb. Mostly a bunch of high school kids getting drunk and doing stupid stuff. So I left around eleven and decided to stop by the gas station on my way back to the school to grab a bag of Jalapeño Cheetos and a diet coke. I was just paying for my stuff when I saw Elijah outside, filling his car up with gas. He didn’t see me.

And I guess I wasn’t exactly thinking straight because when he started driving away, I followed him in my car. I guess I was curious about where he lived in Eden Falls or something. Anyway, he parked next to an apartment complex, and I pulled in behind him because I’m stupid.

I watched him go into his apartment and I should have left right then. But instead, I went up to his door and knocked.

He opened it and was shocked to see me. He looked like he was going to send me away, but I told him I just needed to talk to him really quick and get all the drama ironed out, so I could be normal and we could stop acting all weird around each other all the time. If I’m going to be at this school for another year and a half and he’s going to be my teacher, we needed to make things be okay.

He looked around to make sure no one was watching us then he let me come in so we could talk in his living room.

I apologized for lying about how old I was and making him think I was in college. I explained that I just had so much fun with him that I wanted to spend more time with him. I also told him how I hadn’t thought it would be too big of a deal because I’d be leaving New York to come here in two weeks and then probably never see him again.

He said he kind of understood and agreed that we’d had a lot of fun together. He said if I hadn’t ended up in his class the first day of school, he probably would have looked back on our time together as a fun summer fling.

But then he told me that he was my teacher now and if anyone found out he dated a student, even if it was before he knew I was his student, he could lose his job. That no matter how attracted he still was to me and how even though I acted and looked more like I’m 19 or 20 and not 17, he couldn’t act on it.

Me being 17 and him being 22 was not okay.

I was bummed because I still really liked him, but I understood. He’s a really good teacher and I don’t want him to lose his job because of me.

Anyway, when we were saying goodbye, it was like we kind of went back in time to New York and we ended up hugging. It felt so nice to hug him again that I didn’t want to let go.

He didn’t seem to want to let go either, because he just held me against him and ran his hands along my back. I knew I should have stepped away and left his apartment. We’d already agreed we couldn’t have a future together. But then he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, and we just kind of stood there breathing each other’s air. My heart was pounding so fast!! I was having a hard time breathing because I wanted him so badly.

I don’t know who leaned in first but before I knew it, we were kissing! I pulled him closer to me and he pressed me against the wall, twisting his fingers in my hair. We were kissing like we were starving and that this was the only time we’d ever have to do this.

And before I knew it, it was two o’clock in the morning. We had been making out in his living room and on his couch and in his kitchen and against the wall by his bedroom door until our lips were swollen and my skin was chaffed from his scruffy beard.

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