Page 10 of August's Angst

CHAPTER 12

DECLAN

ONE MONTH LATER

The loveof my life is sick as hell and it's breaking my heart. I can’t stand watching her like this, but this isn’t about me. She was starting to lose her hair, and every day I saw the toll that it took on her. Eventually she saved it off to save the heartache of having it all fall out. She used to have long, ginger locks that shone in the sun. I’ve spent many hours running my fingers through it, But now, it’s all gone, and she's started wearing a hat to cover her head.

I try not to compare her to my mom but it's hard not to. Watching her get sick or cry out in the middle of the night reminds me Mom more and more. I spent all morning with my Dad reminiscing about Mom. We cried when I told him about August. He told me that he didn’t know what to say to Mom as she was dying so he just kept telling her how much he loved her, and he thanked her for loving him too.

August and I are end game. If she dies, I know that I will too. This is becoming as tragic as Romeo and Juliet.

As I watch August struggle with her illness, I can't help but wonder if I'll lose her too. It's a thought I can't bear, and I pushit away as quickly as it comes. Taking care of her, making sure she's comfortable and loved, is all I can do for now. And I'll do it with all my heart. She never left my side when my mom was dying, and I won't leave hers. Ever.

I know it's not just the physical changes that are affecting her. She's also dealing with the emotional toll of battling a cancer. Some days, she's upbeat and hopeful, and others, she's quiet and withdrawn. I try to be there for her in whatever way she needs, whether it's holding her hand or giving her space. She’s always seemed invincible to me going through this and there is nothing I can do to ease her pain or her burden.

My brothers are no help, they keep crying. They love August almost as much as I do. She’s been a huge part of our family and… great now I’m crying. I’ve to got pull it together. Not for me, for her. She needs me and as much as I need her all I can do is make her feel loved and heard like Dad said.

“Bro?” Mikey asks, coming over to my truck window. How long have I been sitting here? I am supposed to be surprising this job site, but it’s no use. It’s not safe, I can’t concentrate.

“Yeah?” I ask, after rolling the window down.

“You okay?”

“You ever been in love?”

“Yes,” he says surprising me. I want to ask with who, but now’s not the time. He’s not the kind of guy that dates or runs through women either. I don’t know what his deal is honestly.

“Then you know what it’s like to think that the other half of your soul may not be there one day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning.”

“Sack up man. This shit isn’t about you. I get that you are upset, sad, mad at the world, God, the doctors, but this is about August. She doesn’t need to see this. Be better.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“I was born this way.”

For the first time in weeks, I laugh, like a deep belly laugh, and I’ll admit, it feels good.

CHAPTER 13

AUGUST

ONE MONTH LATER

Chemo is done—ithas been for the last two weeks—and I am more than happy about that part. My doctor told me that normally, it takes a couple of weeks to get an answer about the prognosis, but due to it being ovarian, she says it is a bit trickier. Therefore, she is going to order a panel of oncologists to also look at the scans and such before giving me the answer.

While I was for that, she insisted I start living again. She wants to slowly introduce things to my diet, go for short walks, and start enjoying life once more. I am still weak and a bit nauseous, but I can already tell my body is feeling relief. When I look in the mirror now, I don’t see a cancer patient. I see a fighter, though I still have doubts about my longevity when I let myself stop believing.

My hair is still gone but I can see the start of it coming back and I don’t let myself think about it because it could happen that the cancer is not gone and once again I will be hooked up to machines getting poison pumped into my veins.

I still cannot bring myself to be naked in front of Declan no matter how much he tells me he loves me no matter what andalthough I know it is true, I still am insecure. I wonder often if I am ever going to be myself again?

I finish making myself something to eat when the doorbell rings. Who the hell is that? I walk to it and ask who it is.

“It’s me, Connie.” Oh fuck. It’s my sister. I haven’t been answering her calls lately or when I do, I cut it short trying to avoid her asking to come here. Well that backfired. “August, I know something is going on. You haven’t been yourself. Open the door.” Damn it. I forgot how stubborn she can be. “You can’t keep ignoring me.” Sighing, I know I cannot go on like this, so I do what I didn’t want to do.

Slowly I open the door and the minute she sees me, she gasps, and I see the tears immediately. “Connie, you shouldn’t have come.” Is the only thing I can think of right now.

“Oh August. How could you keep this from me?" Before I can answer her or stop her she flings herself at me and wraps her arms around me. She is crying right now, and it spurs my own pain. I can't do anything else. I wrap my arms around her and sob like I haven’t done in months.

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