Page 9 of August's Angst

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I slide through photos of us, smiling and happy, unaware that life was working against us. Pictures from graduation and our trips. Pictures with our families and pictures we took of private moments. “Declan.” I cry out his name when the tears pool and fall. My body shakes with the unbearable agony. I call his name once more. “Declan.” It’s more like an injured animals wail. But then…

“I’m here, baby.” I look up, and there he is, standing in front of me, his face covered in sorrow and hurt, and all I can do is cry harder. I don’t know when he moves to the chair in front of me, but he kisses the side of my head and holds both of my hands in his. “I am here, baby.”

Still not believing it is him, I touch his face, my vision blurry with tears of apology and thankfulness. When I convince myself I haven’t started hallucinating, everything comes to me, and all I want to do is tell him why. “Declan I…” He stops me with a finger to my lips and shakes his head.

“Not here. Not now. Just relax. I am going to sit here with you and hold your hand. Then I am going to hold you while you sleep tonight, and tomorrow, we are going to talk. Is that alright?” I nod my head because words won’t do justice to what I am really feeling because nothing has ever sounded better.

CHAPTER 10

DECLAN

I had gone homebecause I had enough of this shit. Sleeping in a hotel isn’t exactly ideal. I can’t believe my eyes. There she is, getting into the passenger seat of another man's car. My heart sinks as I realize that she has been seeing someone else behind my back. What the fuck is going on? Without thinking, I follow them as they drive off, my mind races with all the possibilities of what could have happened between them. Did she cheat on me? Did she fuck with this man in our bed? Fuck, this is killing me.

I can’t bear the thought of her with another man, especially after everything we have been through together. I have to know where they were going, so I keep following them until they pull into a parking lot. My heart drops when I realized where we were: the cancer treatment center. The one place I never wanted to see again.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. Her suddenly breaking up with me, her distant behavior, everything. I knew why she had kept it from me. She thought I couldn't handle it. For a split second, I am angry that she didn't trust me enough to tell me, but then I remembered how much pain and suffering this place had caused us both. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to relive it with me.

I sit in my car, watching as she gets out and walks towards the entrance. On autopilot, I get out of my car and go inside the building. As I make my way to the room, my mind is filled with a million thoughts and emotions, but my body moves mechanically, as if driven by an invisible force. I'm not sure how long I've been in this state, ever since I found out the news.

From the doorway of the room, I watch as she settles into a recliner and a nurse hooks her up to an IV. They chat for a minute while August starts up the machine. She covers herself with a hospital blanket and scrolls on her phone for a bit before falling asleep. I suck up the tears that are threatening to fall. The woman I love is battling cancer, and I have to be strong for her.

I finally make my way to her side and sit down in the companion chair. I wait, watching her sleep, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to cry, to scream, to break down, but I can't. Not now, not in front of her.

So I wait, holding her hand, trying to find some semblance of strength in this hopeless situation. And for a while, it's just the two of us, in this quiet room, fighting this battle together.

Then she wakes up.

“Declan?” she whispers, sleepily. She could still be sleeping, dreaming about me, but I know better. The tears I’ve been holding back fall steadily, silently. I need to know what’s going on.

CHAPTER 11

AUGUST

This isthe first good night of sleep I have had in months, and I know it is because he finally knows and that lie, and the guilt is not weighing on me. The thing is I don’t know how he found out and even though I thought it was a dream, and it isn’t, I still don’t want to meet his hurt gaze.

“I know you’re awake, August.” He must be in the chair next to be. I sit up slowly, pulling the blanket up to my chin but my head is still down. “Look at me,” he commands. His voice is slightly hoarse and that is the main reason I look up. The emotion in his voice fucks with my head. When my eyes meets his, he squeezes his closed for a moment before he looks at me again. “Tell me.”

Lord help me it all spills out in a river of words, tears and sorrow. I tell when I suspected when I went for tests, when I got diagnosed and what the diagnosis is. With each word that leaves my mouth I see his face become darker and fiercer I guess but the one emotion I cannot overcome is the look of betrayal.

When I am done I simply hang my head and cry, heaving from yet another release of guilt but also because now he knows all we had planned is over. I expect him to rage at me for lying to him or something, hell I welcome it right now. Instead he sits onthe bed, pulls me into his arms and rocks me until I stop crying. I feel his tears following mine on my arms and it makes me cry harder.

“How could you not tell me for three months, August? How could you keep me in the dark about something this important?” Wiping my face but not leaving his arms I give him the truth.

“I didn’t want you to relive this, Dec. I was trying to protect you,” I tell him hiccupping through the words. His body tense and then he releases me and jumps from the bed.

“That is not your decision to make. It should have been up to me, August.”

“I know but I also know you would have tried to take it all on like we did as kids and you..”

“IF I CAN’T BE THERE FOR YOU WHAT GOOD AM I THEN?” he yells those words to me, pulling at his hair, and it is the first time I realize that to him, he is my warrior. I mean, he was always my protector, you know. He walks behind me or holds my hand with one hand at my back when we walk down the street. He stands behind me in line at the store. He gets out of the car first and then takes my hand. He moves me to the inside of him when walking through the parking lot, so I am away from oncoming cars. He protects me like a man who knows what he has, but now I realize he believes himself to be my dragonslayer, and that is something I cannot let him put on himself. No one can do that.

“Declan, no. You cannot make this go away.” He turns to look at me, and the tears in his eyes crush me. He sits on the bed beside me and holds my face in his hands. His lips touch mine so softly that it’s almost a whisper, but it is enough to convey what he is trying to tell me.

“I may not be able to make it go away, but I can be there for you. So, I want your schedule for your treatments and appointments so I can take the time off.”

“Dec no. You have a business to run.” He looks at me like I just stole from him.

“My woman needs me, and I am going to be there. As a matter of fact, I am going to take a leave of absence. Kerry can run things for a while. That’s why I hired him. Now tell me, what the schedule?” Shaking my head, I have to smile at his stubbornness. I love this man. I don’t know how the hell I thought I was going to survive without him.

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