Page 62 of Where There's Smoke

I closed my eyes and let my head gently fall back against the door. If there was one thing I was sure of right then, it was that I was too fucking tired to know which way was up, never mind what was right or wrong. Might as well sleep on it, or at least try to, and maybe I could make sense of something in the morning.

Yeah. Right.

I shouldered myself off the door, then quickly and quietly got undressed and into bed.

I was exhausted. I swore my mind ached as much as my body did.

But surprise, surprise, I couldn’t sleep.

All too aware of the absence of Anthony’s warm skin against mine, I stared into the darkness. Beneath the covers, I idly turned my wedding ring around my finger with my thumb. Divorcing or not, these trysts ate at me. God, why did I let Roger talk me into running like this? Into running now instead of after I’d had a chance to settle things with Simone and get my life in some semblance of scandal-free order? On the one hand, I probably wouldn’t have met Anthony. On the other, I wouldn’t be trying to get elected as one ofthose rare honest politicians while using a completely dishonest tactic to polish up my personal life.

I rubbed my eyes and cursed all the reasons for my sleeplessness. There had to be a way to calm some of this shit down. I could divorce Simone and spare us both the additional headache and heartache of pretending to be what we weren’t. I could, but we were in too deep now. Our public image had been established and was as good as written in blood.

I sighed. Lots of luck getting the lid back onthiscan of worms, and I had no one to blame but myself for taking my uncle’s advice. Jesus, Anthony must have thought I was an idiot for that. Then again, I was new to this aspect of politics. I was new to most of it. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I could hold my own once I was in office, but this campaigning shit was completely Greek to me.

“Casey’s getting elected over my dead body,”I’d said to Roger half a year ago.“I’m ready for this. I know I am.”

Put me in, Coach. I’m ready. Honest, I am.

“And I have just the man to run your campaign,”Roger had said.“Do what he says, and the election’s as good as yours. You’re inexperienced, but you’re exactly what California needs.”

“One slight problem, though.”I’d avoided my uncle’s eyes.“I’m gay.”

Without missing a beat, he’d said,“Not if you want to win this election, you’re not.”

“Um, except I’m—”

“Listen, son.”Hand on my shoulder. Head tilt.“You’ve got something Casey doesn’t, which is a solid marriage.”

“What about the part where Simone and I are planning to div—”

“Isn’t important.”He’d waved a hand and shaken his head.“What you have now is a marriage that’s lasted several years without any affairs or public blowups. You want to beat a crowd favorite like Casey? You use every potential advantage you have.”

“And if Simone’s not on board with this?”

Roger had given that laugh that bordered on condescending.“She will be, son. You and I both know that.”

I know, I’d thought. That was what I was afraid of.

“His weaknesses are your strengths, Jesse,”he’d said.“The voters will love your policies, and you’ll be a breath of fresh air over that idiot. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by creating a scandal. You’re too early in your career and pushing for too big an office to take that chance. The public’s going to have a hard enough time trusting you. A recently divorced and openly homosexual candidate is a risk, something people just aren’t…aren’t sure about. You need to prove you’re worth putting into officebeforethe people will trust you. You’re inexperienced but more than qualified, son, and the voters will see that. Tell them you’re homosexual and divorcing America’s sweetheart? You’ll never have that chance.”

I’d wanted to disagree. I wanted to believe California was as progressive as it thought it was. I really did. Just last year, though, a slimy former bankexec who’d been involved in the crash of 2008 won a congressional seat over an openly gay—and spectacularly qualified—opponent. Much as it killed me to admit it, my only shot at winning this election was as a straight man.

A married straight man.

“Maybe I shouldn’t run this time, then,”I’d said.“If Simone and I divorce now, by the time the next election comes around—”

“There isn’t a qualified candidate in sight. It’s you or Casey in California’s future.”

“But what about Simone? She’s itching to just be done with the divorce, and I don’t want to stress her out with the election.”

“She’ll be fine,”he’d said with a dismissive gesture.

“Assuming she doesn’t have a breakdown or something,”I’d said.“You know she doesn’t deal well with stress, and I don’t want to push her over the edge.”

Roger had fallen silent for a long moment, furrowing his brow and presumably mulling everything over in his head. I’d thought he might agree that running wasn’t wise at this point, but then he’d put his hand on my shoulder again and said,“She’s a strong woman. She’ll be fine, Jesse.”

Simone had echoed his assurances that she’d be fine and wouldn’t even hear of me refusing to run.

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