Page 16 of ForeverMN

“I didn’t think you wouldn’t accept me,” Mila shakes her head, helping her mom back into the chair, “I just knew you might not understand how I don’t feel things. How in some ways I’m just like Reed. Granted, he’s more out there than me, but he doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t repulse, or ruin me. I know him, and he knows the real me.”

“What are you saying, Mila?” Saylor tilts her head, squeezing her sister’s hand.

“I want to stay here in Arizona with Reed. And, I’m in love with him,” Mila answers her sister, her gaze sweeping over all of us. The table is silent. I don’t know how I feel about Mila being in love with an assassin. Reed has always been good to Rogue, and I care about him as an important asset to the team. Being in love with Mila will make him officially part of the family.

“You’ve both thought this through?” Matt asks. I watch him assessing Mila, looking for the same things I am. She doesn’t look like she’s being coerced. She’s dead set on this.

“How does Reed feel?” I ask, trying to keep my eyes and face neutral. I can see the shocked look on Saylor’s face while she tries to process. She’s probably wondering how I could be okay with it. I’m not sure if I am or not, but I trust Reed. I love Mila like a younger sister, and I want her to understand how much impact this side of Rogue will have on her life. We call Reed a ghost for a reason.

“He can speak for himself, but we are thinking the same things,” Mila answers both Matt and me.

“Do we get to speak to him?”

Mila glances at me, “If you promise to be nice. Reed isn’t holding me hostage here. I had to practically beg him to let me stay.”

“How did you manage that, Mi,” Saylor watches her sister, assessing. I can tell she is more reluctant to believe her than we all are.

“I told him the truth,” Mila shrugs, “He knows how I feel about him. He also knows that I do want to be part of Rogue, but in my own way. Our way.”

“Do Rogue your way huh?” I laugh softly, but I don’t really feel the joy, or the sentiment. We are all trying to find our way in Rogue. The whole conversation feels like déjà vu when I talk to Saylor. I can feel her eyes touch on me briefly, as if she’s thinking the same thing.

“Yeah,” Mila glances at me, “I’m Rogue because of you guys. But sitting in a classroom, and not really knowing what I want to do with my life, or how I can turn that into something for Rogue, seemed like a waste of time. I know what I can do. I have a special skill set and mentality. If it’s all in the name of good, then I think it’s the best option for me.”

Just like that, I had a whole new appreciation for Mila. I’m trained to do many things for Rogue, we all are. We see the worst in the world, and it feels like we let the world down when wecan’t help someone. I glance around the table and receive nods from Silas and Matt. We all understand Mila, but ultimately Kelly will have the last say about her daughter.

My eyes trail to Saylor and my heart stops when I see how she is watching her sister. She thinks Mila is making a mistake. Is that why she’s refusing to set a date? Why can’t we move in together? I need answers. I want to find a way to work through this before I lose Saylor forever.

Saylor

“How does Reed love?” I can’t help the question as it comes out of my mouth. I know Reed isn’t a bad person. He was one of the few people who was nice to me when I first arrived at Savage Lakes. We were friends, he watched out for me, and without me knowing, he kept us all safe in high school. But there were other things I knew also. Reed didn’t feel how most people did. He lacked conscience. He had no feelings when he took a life, and torturing someone for information didn’t make him flinch. He took the on the worst people, and jobs, in order to get information for Rogue. I knew my brother and Ciaran also have taken lives of our enemies . They’ve all had to. Reed was a level ahead of them though. He could stomach it. Nothing he’s seen or witnessed has ever caused him to waver. And this was the guy my little sister was in love with. Was claiming to be just like him.

Mila’s eyes flash at me and I hold my hand up, “I’m not trying to belittle him, or your feelings. I am curious though. He’s never expressed emotion around us. How do you know?”

My mom holds my hand and then reaches over to hold Mila’s as well. The guys had left earlier, and had gone to check on Reed’s shop, leaving just my mom and me with Mila in Reed’s house. My mom found the wine and poured us all a healthy glass. I was thankful that at least we were having this conversation between just us women. I remember earlier in the day, and the awkwardness of feeling Ciaran’s eyes burning holesin my head while Mila talked about knowing her place inside Rogue. I’ve been in Rogue for years now, and I still can’t find my place.

“I can’t explain it,” Mila shakes her head, a ghost of a smile passes her lips. “He isn’t overly affectionate. Sometimes he’ll keep mission details from me. He didn’t come back to the house for three days when he realized I put a tracker on him last time he was in Minnesota. He’s calm when I want to argue. But it works for us. I realized that he might not kiss me every time he walks in the room, but when he wants me, it’s the best love I’ve felt in my life. He hides details because they are the cases usually involving kids, and he knows those are the only cases where I do feel a flicker of something. He was mad about the tracker because he still thinks he isn’t good enough for me. Which is why he also wants to let me win arguments even when I’m being a complete bitch. We just work. It’s small things but it’s how I know he loves me too.”

My eyes tear up because I am so happy for my sister, while I’m also terrified. “You’re going to live so far away from me.”

Mila laughs softly and finally squeezes my hand, “You know you can always visit. And we’ll come home too.”

I turn to my mom who is watching us silently. “Mom, what are you thinking?”

“I want my girls to be happy. I’m sad you didn’t think you could trust us, Mila, but I also understand at the same time. There isn’t a perfect journey of love. As long as Reed makes you happy, I’ll be okay,” She sighs, “I’m terrified you’ll get hurt out here, but that is the risk we all take in this life.”

I think about the nights I spend lying awake worrying about Ciaran. I wait for the call saying that he’s alright, or the call I dread the most, that he’s been seriously hurt, or worse, that he’s dead. I plan, and I ruminate, on all the things that could go wrong so that when he tells me everything is alright. I findit hard to believe him. We’ve been through so much that I keep waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. We’re too happy. Things are going too well.

“I’m going to get more wine,” I hear Mila say as she walks away.

My mom is watching me, waiting, as if she knows every detail inside my head. “Say.”

“What if being happy together isn’t enough? I love Ciaran. I know he loves me. He could die though, and I’m scared I would fall apart. Mila, you, Oaklynn…everyone is set in their roles and what they want. I feel like I just started, and it’s not enough.”

“It is enough Saylor. What you are doing for Rogue is exactly what the organization needs. Its why Ciaran and Matt support you so much in your career choice. They see the value in it.” She tells me, squeezing my hand again “Do you want to get married?” She asks.

I sigh, the guilt eating me from the inside, “I do. But I have this vision I can’t explain. The same with the house. Ciaran is in a rush. He hasn’t thought of cost, or what is most beneficial so we aren’t paying with Rogue money. I just, Mom, I…getting married right now just seems like it’s selfish, and I can’t shake this anxiety I have about not being enough to help everyone.”

She’s silent, waiting with me while I process again. I feel like it’s all I ever do these days. My mind is a constant loop of worry, self-sabotage, and doubting that the man I am head-over-heels for will love me, or be around long enough, to love me forever.

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