Page 17 of ForeverMN

“I know this doesn’t make sense, but you can’t dwell on the future and what it holds, Saylor. We will always talk ourselves out of things because you and I, we like to make others happy first. Don’t worry about Rogue. Don’t worry about your dad, me, Mila, or Niko. Be happy. You and Ciaran are smart. You both will figure it out, but sweetie, I don’t think you will ever forgive yourself if you push this away.”

I nod my head even as tears freely fall down my cheeks. I want so much to take my head out of the equation and just listen to my heart. I wish I was as brave as Mila.

We traveled home separately from Arizona. My mom and I wanted more time with Mila before we left. Reed let us, and it felt right. The guys headed back a few days earlier, needing to get back to Rogue. Now, my dad was driving us back into Savage Lakes from the airport and all I could think about was the conversation I needed to have with Ciaran. I had put it off long enough, and he deserved to know how I was feeling before things got too ugly and we couldn’t turn back again.

“Dad, Ciaran said he’d meet me at Rogue. Can you drop me off?” I lean forward and his eyes connect with mine in the rearview.

“Sure, baby girl,” He answers but I sense the hesitancy in his voice. My mom reaches across the seat and gently places her hand on his arm. What she’s reassuring him about I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s about me. In between grilling Mila and Reed, my mom has been trying her best to help me work through my mental block over Ciaran. It’s been exhausting.

When we pull in, Ciaran is already at his truck, waiting by the passenger side. His arms are crossed, and his head is bowed. Regret pangs in my chest, but I will it to go away. His icy gaze meets mine as soon as I get out of my dad’s truck. Somehow I manage to wave good-bye to my parents and close the gap between him and me.

“Want to take a drive?” I ask him and nod to his truck.

“Sure,” his voice is gruff, but he clears his throat and leads me over to the passenger side, opening my door for me. Once I’m inside and seated he closes the door and strides over to his side.

Ciaran gets in and starts the engine. “Lake?” He asks, and I nod. It’s our place and the only place I could think of that would be good enough for us to have this conversation today.

We don’t talk on the drive over. Everything about Ciaran screams closed off. His face, his eyes, his posture. Normally he’s holding my hand while he drives, or his hand is gripping my knee. Today, I watch while his hands flex on the steering wheel as he takes us to the other side of town, and then off onto a side road. I don’t even realize I’m holding my breath until I see the ripples on the water in the distance. It’s the beginning of October now, and the fall leaves are here, creating a splash of color reflected in the blackness of the water.

Ciaran pulls into our parking spot and I’m happy to find that the area is vacant. No other couples or families are enjoying the views today. We get out and walk to the back of his truck. Ciaran lets the tailgate down and I hop up. He stands, his hands braced against the door.

“You don’t want to sit by me?”

“I’m not really sure why we are out here to have a conversation,” he shrugs, but his words are edgy.

“I just wanted to clear the air. We hadn’t really talked since before Arizona, then while we were there, it wasn’t the time, or the place. I don’t like leaving things like this between us.”

“I don’t know what more you want me to do, Saylor. I love you. I proposed. I want to marry you, and live together. I’m even willing to put a wedding on hold and just live together first, but you aren’t willing to meet me halfway,” His voice cracks, and it takes everything inside me not to reach for him.

“It’s not half way if I give in to everything you want right now, Ci,” I shake my head, “I love you too. I said yes. I just don’t want to rush things, or have this plan that it needs to happen right now. We spend a lot of time apart, Ci. And I know it’s because you’re doing hero things, but it’s still hard. Some days I handleit like a pro, and other days I can’t. Sometimes I question my ability to do these things. We just started making Rogue how we want it, and we have a long way to go. I don’t want to be financially dependent on Rogue to pay for a wedding, or a house. It feels icky.”

“We aren’t though,” Ciaran backs up, his hands running through his hair “Say, you think I bought you a diamond ring with money earned from the death of someone’s loved one? No, I also have thought about this, and set money aside from odd jobs, from the military, from my deployments.”

“Your money,” I remind him. Feeling anger build up in my chest, “It’s your money, Ci. I want to earn my own outside of Rogue.”

“Do it then!” His arms fall wide, “Make your own outside of Rogue, and put it towards the house, or the wedding, and I’ll put mine toward the other. We can make this work, Saylor, but you aren’t trying.”

“I am trying, Ci,” I jump off the tailgate so I’m standing in front of him, letting him see all the vulnerability inside of me, “ Every time I try there is a new mission, new survivors, more work. We barely get time together, let alone time to have a private conversation. There are so many things going on.”

“So what then, Say,” Ciaran’s head bows, his eyes drop to the ground, “Push everything off and keep living this way forever.”

“It’s not forever,” I tell him, “I just need longer. I can’t do it all right now, and still feel like I’m putting my job first, which is what we should be doing.”

I wait, and the seconds pass by brutally slowly. The chill in the air races over my skin, under my sweater, and touches my insides. Everything about this is breaking me, my heart hurts, and even though I am trying to be strong for both of us, I can’t help the frantic voice in the back of my head whispering that this is a mistake.

“What can’t you do?”

“I’m not ready to look for houses. I’m not ready to plan the wedding,” I breathe out.

“We already set a date,” He says, and I flinch at the reminder.

“Dates can be pushed back,” I swallow, “Ciaran, I love you. I love you so much it hurts every time I’m away from you. If anything happened to you, I would never be me again. These past few years of reaching our goal of acquiring Rogue, and then these past few months, have been draining. To see what this life is really going to be like, I want us to be better prepared so that we can handle everything in the future better. I need time.”

I watch the wind blow through his hair. I need him to look me in the eyes. I need him to tell me that time doesn’t matter because in the end, we’ll end up together anyway.

“I’ll take you home,” He finally says, and the defeat in his voice almost brings me to my knees. He won’t meet my eyes. I will myself to be strong though. One day this will be small in comparison to the life we build.

Our drive back into town is quiet. I reach over and grab his hand, clasping it in mine. He holds on, but it isn’t the same way he usually holds me. His jaw clenches the closer we get to my house, and I can tell he wants to say something, but he’s holding back at the same time. We just need the night. A night to process. Ciaran loves me, and I know this will work out. It has to.

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