Page 116 of Hard Knot

"Loved her so much that when she slipped through my fingers, I couldn't actually function. I guess realizing I was an Alpha sooner rather than later would have helped with my year of agony, but knowing you let the wrong one get away hurts like a heavy plate on your chest that’s impossible to remove." His voice cracks slightly on the admission. "Years of acting like I didn't have any form of affection for her, even though we didn't hesitate to make out or fuck when the tension was too much."

Another pause, this one filled with something that feels like regret.

"But she was waiting for me to confess," he continues softly. "And I didn't have it in me. I wanted to be deemed invincible in the world of academics, which meant love was on the back burner and perceived as weakness."

Each word strikes a chord deep inside me, resonating with truths I've been trying to ignore. How many times have I pushed people away, hidden behind this silk barrier, all in the name of appearing strong?

How many times have I sacrificed what I wanted for what I thought I needed to be?

“When you’re alone…looking back at all you could have had and the excuses you made to stop yourself from enjoying the blessings being given to you, it forces you to realize what a complete fool you are,” he reveals. “That’s what my dad had to realize.”

He laughs at that, the dark chuckle only carrying a sense of misery in its tone.

“On his death bed.”

Shit…

"He was just like you. Our empire was spiraling beneath the surface, but to the world, we were thriving at our highest. Performing to the top tiers is unobtainable to the average dealer or empire. Hell, I didn’t even know our family was a part of that shit. So into academics and rivalries with the woman I loved, I didn’t know what paths our wealth and solitude came from.”

That piques my interest as I perk my hearing even more in hopes of catching onto his next words.

“He sacrificed my mom’s happiness for success. It led to her deciding having a husband who paid no attention to her was far worse than being single. I found out a bit after his death that she’d found a multi-millionaire army veteran who does gambling as a hobby which wins them millions. Missing an arm and all but that didn’t stop him from pulling all the stops to make his woman feel loved and adored.”

“What’s your point?” I whisper as if I don’t know.

I know where this is going…

"You’re not fully blind, are you?”

I don’t answer.

“Trauma forces people to push the world away. Makes them feel that they’re no longer relatable to those around them because the scars they bare are beneath the surface where no one can see them. Past experience and perceived judgment make you weary of who to surround yourself with because we live in a society that judges at first glance versus knowing the individual beneath their mask. It’s something none of us can change, and it’s honestly better that way, for we don’t waste time on those who will join our enemies in mockery if it means they’re further successful up the ladder of power and wealth.”

He’s far wiser than I would have given him credit for. I can tell he has to be older than Abercrombie, which could mean she fast-tracked at a younger age to be in the same educational level as him, but I can tell from his wise tone that the death of his Father forced him to wake up and smell the coffee of our unforgiving world.

“You know the real reason why I’ve fallen hard for Eli? It’s not simply because of her body, or how amazing she tastes. It’s beyond that. Her ability to keep striving despite all the obstacles that come her way. How she’s still able to be soft, tender, kind, loving, seductive, and empowering, despite everyone around her hoping she’ll be a silent, emotionless Omega who submits to the rules and regulations of the world.”

The memory of Elizabeth's lips against mine floods my senses — not the staged kiss in my office, but the brief moment afterward. The way she'd tasted of defiance and something sweeter, something that made me want to pull her closer instead of pushing her away.

But I had pushed her away.

Just like I've pushed away everything that threatened to make me feel something real.

“You couldn’t see it back there, but I know in the depths of her eyes, she was willing to accept death as the final option rather than convert to what this world wants her to be,” he confesses like we’re in some sort of chapel, revealing our most heinous sins. “To think death is the final escape from the shackles that bound you is when the cycle needs to end. So…my question to you is, are you going to wait for those shackles to drown you in the pits of regret before you realize it’s time to break the cycle?”

I swallow the lump in my throat that I realize is present, feeling how parched I feel with this shift in conversation. I don’t like this sense of dread that’s draped on me like a heavy weighted blanket, but it’s worse to acknowledge that he’s absolutely right.

Am I going to let myself drown…before I see this cycle needs to be broken.

“When my father passed, I vowed to never be like him. I said that…and yet as I went back to Harvard, attempting to finish what I started, I realized how I was becoming just like him. Pushing the world away, becoming a drone of consistency, and obeying the rules that were meant to constrain me. I thought I could do things the right way, but it was foolish because, at the end of the day, it didn’t protect anything or anyone for that matter. The woman I loved was still missing. My father was six feet under. My mother was married to another man in a different country, and I was too into my feelings to have the balls to reach out to her and see if she was happy or not. I was spiraling into a world that was merciless, thinking if this was the path I took, all those I loved would remain alive and breathing. When in reality, the only thing I had control of was myself and the actions I took to lead me on a path I could either be proud of…or regret.”

I listen as his footsteps move until he’s standing on my left side.

"You think you're protecting them," he acknowledges. "Carter, Felix...even Elizabeth, despite trying to act like she isn’t driving you wild by just existing. You think by maintaining this distance, this facade of indifference, you're somehow shielding them from whatever darkness you're carrying."

My fingers curl into fists at my sides, every muscle tensing at how accurately he's reading me.

"But you're not," he continues, merciless in his assessment. "You're just forcing them to watch you drown while pretending you don't need their help to swim."

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