Page 194 of The Bone Season

I looked back at him, chilled.

Someone in the gang. If Jaxon resented the idea of one of us being with a stranger or acquaintance for more than one night, he would fume at the realisation that a romance had blossomed under his roof.

‘I don’t know whether to risk telling them,’ Nick continued, ‘because I know how much unhappiness and tension it will cause, even if it’s reciprocated. But I also don’t feel like I can hold it in much longer. Is it selfish to want to say how I feel, even knowing it will hurt?’

I reached for the right words, steering him towards telling me, trying to ignore the shattering din in my head.

‘You should be honest.’ I heard my own voice as if from a distance. ‘Otherwise you’re living a lie. Jaxon doesn’t see everything, does he?’

‘The risk isn’t really to me.’ Nick sank deeper into his tweed coat. ‘Jaxon would never cut me off. He respects me too much. That aside, I have my own apartment, my own income. But we both know that not everyone is in the same position.’

My skin was cold, my eyes hot. I tried to breathe slowly, but in my head, a terrible reality was dawning. Nick was not talking about me.

And part of me wished he was.

Nick was gazing at the sky, his mouth tight at the corners. He still looked just the same as he had on the day he saved me from the poppy field.

‘Don’t leave me hanging,’ I said, forcing a smile. ‘Who is it?’

‘Zeke.’

‘Zeke,’ I echoed.

‘Yes. I’ve loved him for a few months now.’ He looked at me. ‘Jaxon would never allow it. And if he caught us, he might be angry enough to punish Zeke.’

‘You never let on,’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?’

‘Because I hoped I would stop feeling that way. It would be simpler.’ He pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘I wish it could be someone at work. It would be easier to hide. But it’s been months, and I still think he’s the most beautiful person in the world. I really care about him, Paige.’

I sat there in silence for a good while, still feeling as if a numbing agent was seeping into me.

‘I think I could help him,’ Nick said, real passion in his voice. ‘There could be a way to bring his gift back – a gentler method than Jaxon is using. Zeke wants to play again. He misses hearing the spirits’ voices.’

I wished I could hear them, so I wouldn’t have to listen to this. My throat was drawn like the knot on a noose.

Nick loved someone. I had never said a word to him about how I felt; until now, I had barely known it myself, except as a vague feeling of warmth and joy when I was with him. I ought to be happy for him. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t – why I felt afraid and shaken.

‘I thought I could send Zeke a vision to explain,’ Nick said, a faint smile on his lips. ‘Or I could just talk to him, like a normal person. A chilling prospect.’

‘The normality, or the talking?’

Nick chuckled. ‘The latter. This is the one time in my life where being normal – not a criminal with an imperious boss – would be helpful.’

It warmed me to hear him laugh that way. It had been a long while.

‘You should tell him in person.’ I smiled. ‘How else will you know if he feels the same way?’

‘Like I said, it doesn’t matter, because we all know the rules. No commitment,’ he said. ‘Jaxon would burst every blood vessel in his body if he knew.’

‘Let him fume for a while. It will pass,’ I said. ‘It’s not fair for you to carry this.’

‘I’ve managed for nearly a year, sötnos. I can manage longer.’

Now the truth was staring me in the face, I was finding it harder and harder to hold myself together. The facts were cold and stark: Nick was not mine, the way I had once thought he was. I had never meant the same to him as he had always meant to me.

The stars were out, clear and bright. Looking at them, I felt small enough to disappear.

‘You really could have told me sooner,’ I said. ‘I won’t tell Jax.’

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