Page 195 of The Bone Season

‘I never thought you would, but you’ve had problems of your own. It wasn’t fair of me to burden you with mine,’ he said. ‘Sometimes I think I should never have brought you into this, Paige.’ I looked sharply at him. ‘I see the way he treats you sometimes, too. Part of me wishes I had just left you alone.’

I shook my head.

‘Nick,’ I said, ‘you gave me a life.’

‘You had a life with Colin. You can still go back to it, if this is too hard.’

‘That wasn’t a life. My father and I both died in Ireland,’ I said, my voice thickening, ‘but you brought me back. Seven Dials is my world now. I love being in the gang. I love the chaos and the danger, all of it; I thrive on it. It is so hard, but every day is worth it. I can finally be myself, and I can be with you. I’ve never felt happier than I am now.’

I said it with as much conviction as I could, as I had many times before. It was still true on most days, even if Jaxon had darkened others. Even if I sometimes feared he would sever me from the underworld – from my lifeline – if I didn’t agree to become his weapon.

Even if it was a lie in this moment.

‘You saved me,’ I told Nick. ‘Sooner or later, I would have suffocated – lost my mind, lost control. I had to know. You made me part of something that matters. I’ll never be able to repay you for that.’

Gradual shock registered on his face. ‘Paige, are you crying?’

‘No.’ I turned away. ‘I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’m meeting someone.’

I wasn’t.

‘Paige, wait.’ He grasped my wrist. ‘I’ve upset you. What is it?’

‘I’m fine.’ I drew my coat close. ‘If you want my advice, you should go back right now and tell Zeke how you feel, while Jaxon is sleeping it off. If Zeke has any sense, he’ll say yes. I know I would, if it were me.’

His brow tightened, then released, his lips parting. And I saw him understand.

‘Paige,’ he started.

‘I’m late.’ I lowered myself over the edge. ‘I’ll see you on Saturday, okay?’

‘Paige, wait. Let’s just—’

‘Please, Nick. I need to go.’

He didn’t try to follow me, but his eyes were still wide, utterly stunned. I picked my way back down the building, leaving him alone beneath the crescent moon. When I reached the bottom, the rest of the tears came. I closed my eyes and breathed the night air.

I couldn’t go back to the den like this. This was not the Pale Dreamer.

Something would have to be done.

I took the Underground to Islington, despite the risk of travelling that way at night. My father worked long hours, and he wasn’t expecting me. I would be able to slip in and out unnoticed.

I reached the Barbican without running into any trouble. For a long while, I stood in the empty apartment. For the first time since I was a child, I wished for a mother or sister, or even a friend outside the syndicate. As it happened, I had none of those things.

Not that I would have known how to explain what I was feeling – or not feeling – if I had. I had just let Nick down in his moment of need, and I had no idea why.

I thought back to my time at school, when I had been the only voyant among amaurotics. Suzette Fortin – my one friend – had broken up with her Parisian boyfriend in our final year. I tried to remember how she had coped with it. My instinct was to spend a week in bed, but Jaxon would never let that stand, and he expected me tomorrow. I couldn’t work until I had purged myself of this feeling.

For all I tried, I couldn’t remember what Suzette had done to get over Gérard.

I did know how Eliza brushed her cares away.

In silence, I untucked my jersey and blouse from my trousers. I showered, then straightened my hair. I dabbed on a flick of lampblack. Finally, I slipped into a dress and matching heels, bought for a leavers’ dance I had never attended. The Schoolmistress had warned me not to come.

I needed to feel nothing like myself tonight. Shivering a little, I covered the dress with my woollen coat and walked on to the icy streets.

At some point, I found a cab. There was a club in the East End that Nadine frequented, with cheap mecks (and illegal alcohol), called Dance Upon Nothing. It was in a rough part of II-6, a section ruled by the Wicked Lady. That meant there would be no night Vigiles.

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