Page 45 of Standing Still

“While I’m here, or if I’m back in town, I’d really like to chat a little more. Would that be okay?” I ask. The panic gets more noticeable, but she nods after taking a large breath. “Claudia, are you okay? You seem nervous, and I don’t want you to feel that way around me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. It’s just quite overwhelming. You look a lot like… Darren.”

“Oh,” I nod.

“Hey.”

Claudia jumps when Ben speaks behind her. He apologises for scaring her, but she laughs it off. She waves a hand at me, not answering the question about speaking more, and disappears.

“What was that about?” Ben asks.

“She dated Darren.”

He’s caught off guard by that and he looks after Claudia before turning back to me. “I don’t remember her.”

I explain what she told me last time about not being from around here and fill him in on what she’s just told me, her demeanor too.

“Maybe you’re reading too much into it. Dawn must know her. Have you asked her about it?”

“Dawn didn’t know about her and Darren, either. I don’t know, there is something… not right about it.” I let out a long breath and look at Claudia, who is wrapping cutlery in napkins by the side of the counter. “She said she didn’t know anything about why hekilled himself, but the way she looked and spoke… I don’t know. Something seemed off about it.”

“You should talk more to her then. Why don’t you arrange to meet her, you know, while you’re still in town?” he leans back in his seat and stares.

“Maybe I will,” I tell him. But all this thinking about Darren is upsetting me. I knew coming back here would bring all the memories of my family back when I’ve fought so hard not to allow that. This is something I do want to know about, yet not at the same time. Truth is, I’m scared about what she might say, especially if shedoesknow why Darren killed himself. I’ve had to live with survivors’ guilt for a long time.

“What did you do with the car?” I say, a little louder than necessary, in an effort to distract myself from my brother’s death.

The server comes over with our meals. Ben’s brows rise, but he thanks him and picks up his coffee to take a drink. “There,” he points through the window, and I glance across the street. It’s down a side street, but it is facing outwards so I can see it. “I also checked in the window at the restaurant. He was at a table with a blonde girl. They seemed pretty cozy.”

“He’s probably promising her a ride in his hot Mustang,” I laugh.

“I feel like an asshole, actually, but it’s kinda funny. Who knew you could be so conniving?”

“Believe me, I’m not proud of that side of me.”

“I’ll be sure to let him know it was all your idea.”

“Ben!” I shout, but he laughs and holds up a hand.

“I won’t rat you out.”

“Good,” I tuck into my pancakes. We eat in silence for about five minutes. It’s pretty obvious neither one of us wants to bring it up first, but someone is going to have to. “Was last night-”

“About last night-”

We look at each other, then both laugh and tell each other to go first and it becomes a whole thing of telling the other to do it before we eventually go quiet and stare at each other.

“I don’t regret it,” he tells me. “I mean, it might have been a bad idea, given the situation, but no. I don’t regret it. You seem surprised,” he frowns.

“I guess I am.”

“Doyouregret it?”

“No… It was actually really hot,” I blush and look out of the window. Ben doesn’t say anything, but he’s staring at me when I look back. “But what do we do now? I mean… chalk it up to a moment of madness. Forget it happened?” I shake my head. “I’m not sure what to do.”

“Guess it depends on how things work out going forward. I mean. Do you still have no idea what you want to do? I don’t want to rush you, Elle, genuinely. I’m in limbo here. I’ve got a lot of people to worry about and it’s tough,” he admits.

“I know, and I really don’t mean to keep you waiting. I will have an answer soon. I promise.”

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