Page 17 of Jackass

I covered my mouth with my hand. My eyes burned with tears I didn’t want to shed. Would he see my tears for what they were? Or would he think I was trying to manipulate him?

Jack wasn’t shouting at me. He wasn’t swearing at me. In fact, he was barely talking to me.

I wasn’t used to silence.

Whenhegot mad, he screamed, and he swore.

This might be worse.

I knew Jack had feelings for me. At least he did. I wasn’t so sure anymore. One thing I knew was that Jack would love Charlie.

“Why did you lie to me, Sammy?” he asked me, his voice eerily calm.

I’d never known Jack to raise his voice in anger. He had a boisterous personality. He talked loudly, he roared when he laughed. When he was angry, he was quiet.

Right now, I needed to be as honest as possible. I couldn’t tell him everything, but I could tell him this.

“I wanted a baby, Jack.”

He pushed away from the door and walked toward me.

“You wanted a baby? That’s your answer? So, what, it was just the luck of the draw that it was me?” he asked.

“No,” I whispered.

“What was that?”

Steeling myself, I looked him in the eye. This I needed him to understand.

“No, Jack, it wasn’t luck of the draw. I wanted you.”

“What about what I wanted?”

“You were never supposed to know,” I mumbled, lowering my eyes to the floor in shame.

“That makes it ok?” he clipped. “I was never supposed to know. So you thought it was ok to have my child and keep me from being a part of her life?”

I turned away from him. I couldn’t bear to have him look atme. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I braced myself.

“How goddamn selfish can you be?” he snarled. “And what about Charlie? She didn’t deserve to have her father in her life?”

She’s supposed to have a father, just not you, Jack.

I couldn’t tell him that, though.

He would never understand.

“Two years, Sammy. Two fucking years my daughter has been an hour away. I could’ve gotten past you not telling me when you found out,” he said. “You know, aside from the fact that you did it on purpose and lied about your birth control. You probably lied about the latex allergy, too.”

I looked up at the ceiling.

I didn’t think he really wanted an answer, so I kept quiet.

“Of course you did. Fuck.” He grabbed my arms and turned me around so I faced him. “I could have gotten past you not telling me when you found out. We didn’t exchange numbers. Hell, I wouldn’t even know your name if you hadn’t left a fucking note.”

He squeezed my arms, and I tensed.

Closing my eyes I reminded myself.

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