Page 1 of Laugh

Chapter 1

Penis Arms

Haddie

“As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.”

Snorting, I take my shot and wince at the burn of tequila as it works its way down my throat. Grabbing Marcus’s empty glass, I set them at the edge of the bar so Ricky knows that we’re ready for a new one. “Okay, okay. I got the next one.”

“I want tequila this time too,” Marcus says as he rubs his hands together. This guy is addicted to tequila and I have to ration them. Otherwise, he’d be down within an hour and he’s just too big for me to drag back to his apartment.

“Do you know how an octopus mates?” I ask offhandedly.

“Random. But I don’t. Do tell,” Ricky says as he grabs our shot glasses to refill them.

“Can we get tequila this time?” I ask, batting my lashes at Ricky until he rolls his eyes at my over-the-top fake flirting.

“Only if you tell me how an octopus gets it on.” He grins, leaning forward and resting his weight on his crossed forearms.

Giggling, I sit up straight. “First, you weren’t supposed to hear that, but I’ll tell you anyway. You know how an octopus has eight arms, right? Well, they’re all normally about the same length, except for one of them. There is one arm that’s slightly shorter than the rest. That’s his penis.”

Marcus is chuckling at me because he knows that I’m going somewhere with this idea. “Penis arm, sweet.”

“It is.Oh!Side note. You know how in Finding Nemo, there’s that little pink octopus named Pearl? They’re in class when they go to the drop off–”

“No!Not the drop off!” Marcus cries out, clutching his hands to his chest.

Snorting at his theatrics, I wave my hand in his face. “Shush. So, they’re at the drop off, and Pearl says, ‘See this tentacle? It’s actually shorter than all my other tentacles, but you can’t really tell, especially when I twirl them like this’. Pearl is totally talking about his penis. Fun fact.”

“Sorry to break it to you, Harry, but that part doesn’t happen at the drop off.” Marcus sniffs at me.

I blink at him in surprise. “It doesn’t? I could have sworn it does… either way, you get my point,” I tell him, waving him off.

Ricky frowns. “I thought Pearl was a girl.”

“Nope.” I pop my ‘p’ and shake my head. “Pearl is totally a boy, and he’s shaking his penis at all the other kids in school.Anyway, I digress. So, when an octopus sees a little lady that he wants to boink, instead of swimming over and flirting to see if she’ll go on a date with him, he’ll rip his penis off and throw it at her. Then he swims away like a little bitch.”

Marcus is laughing out loud now, and a few people at the bar are looking at him like he’s a psycho. Ricky is just staring at me like he can’t process what I’m saying. “I’m not sure…”

I nod my head quickly. “Seriously, he just chucks his penis at her and swims away. So, here is this pretty little female octopus with a penis arm floating around her. Like every normal girl, she sees it and immediately thinks, ‘Hmmm… Well, it’s just there… May as well fuck myself with it’. So, she does, andthat’show she gets pregnant.”

Smiling broadly at the two of them, I watch as they process what I’m telling them, extremely proud of my factual education. Ricky opens his mouth a couple of times, not sure what to say. Marcus is analyzing me just before a slow grin spreads across his face. “What’s the title of the book?”

“Are You Squidding Me?” I state, puffing my chest out with pride. I have no worries that Marcus won’t like my idea. He’s always the first to jump on the crazy train and ride into the sunset with me.

“Title? What book?” Ricky is clearly confused, and I don’t blame him.

“It’s my next project. Picture this.” I lean in conspiratorially. You never know if someone is listening, looking to steal my next great idea.

“Ms. Clown fish is minding her own business as she swims through the coral and anemones and she comes upon a gang of octopi gents. They’re all like ‘Hey baby’ and ‘I got something for you right here’, and start pelting her with their penis arms. She’s cornered and scared because all the arms are ganging up on her, then in swims Mr. Squid. He saves her and pulls her to freedom. She’s all hot and bothered by how brave he was, and he’s like ‘I’m better than those other eight-armed guys. I won’t make you do all the work yourself. I’ll keep my penis attached’. Cue the mood lighting and we have liftoff.”

Marcus slowly leans toward Ricky, keeping his eyes on me warily, and tells him from the side of his mouth, “She writes satirical erotica in her free time. That’s what happens when you’re a virgin with no prospects on the horizon.”

My mouth drops open. “Marcus!Howcouldyou?”

“I’m not even sure what to say to all of that. What you need is more liquor, purely for my entertainment, of course. I’ll be right back.” Ricky chuckles as he walks away.

“TEQUILA!” we shout at the same time.

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