Page 25 of Last Resort

“Nothing to be sorry about, babe,” Ben assured him, his voice a comforting rumble.

“I’m a mess.” At least Erik hadn’t thrown up for real. He hoped.

“Have you seen me? I come with a whole matched set of psychological baggage,” Ben replied, trying to lighten the mood. “We can be messes together.”

Eventually Erik pulled away and Ben eased his grip. He ran a hand back through sweat-soaked hair and realized his shirt clung to his skin. “I need a shower.”

Ben’s fingers gently stroked his cheek. Erik closed his eyes and let himself lean into the touch. “How about you make sure you’re steady before that, huh? Don’t want to scrape you off the tile.”

Erik nodded. “Sorry.”

“I don’t like to see you hurting, but there’s no apology necessary. Two steps forward, one step back,” Ben said. “At least that’s what my mandated psych counselor told me after I got shot.”

They sat together in silence for several more minutes before Erik felt reasonably confident that he could stand without falling over. Ben didn’t move when Erik stood, but Erik could see that his partner had tensed to catch him if necessary.

“I think I’m okay,” Erik rasped.

“How about I go fix you a cup of tea with plenty of sugar and maybe some crackers or cookies,” Ben suggested. “It’ll settle your stomach.”

Erik nodded. “Sounds good.”

He made it to the bathroom, although he still felt lightheaded. His breathing and pulse were slower but hadn’t gone back yet to normal. Erik kept his thoughts blank as he stripped off his clothes and turned on the shower, running the water hot.

Erik leaned on the sink and stared at the stranger in the mirror. He met his haunted gaze, holding onto the cold porcelain with a death grip.

I’m in Cape May, not Atlanta. Josh is history. Ben loves me. Things are good. Now I just need to not fuck it up.

He got into the shower and let the hot water warm him, driving away the shakes. The eucalyptus-scented soap calmed his nerves.

Erik ran through the grounding mantras he had learned from his stint in therapy and gradually felt the last tendrils of the nightmare slip free, leaving him exhausted physically and mentally.

He got out when the water cooled, toweled off, and dressed slowly. Erik realized he was dragging his feet, ashamed that Ben had seen his meltdown. He knew his partner wouldn’t judge him, but Erik hated to show the damaged side of himself, especially since their relationship was still so new.

On the other hand, good for him to know what he’s really getting into. If he doesn’t want to deal with it, sooner is better than later to find that out.

As promised, Ben had tea and cookies waiting in the kitchen. “Sit. Eat.” Ben motioned Erik to the table.

“I’m—”

“Don’t you dare apologize again.” Ben’s voice was gentle. “You have every right to work through your shit at your own pace. What happened, happened. I’m glad I was here in time to help. Please don’t think you have to hide anything from me. I love you.”

Erik looked down, feeling his cheeks color. “I love you too. So much. Thank you. It’s just…I feel like there’ve been scarier things to have PTSD over than a cheating boyfriend, you know?”

Ben shrugged. “We don’t get to pick.”

Erik sighed. “I guess you’re right. But, Christ, Josh wasn’t worth it, and it pisses me off that he left me with a scar that won’t heal.” Erik intentionally eased his grip on the mug to keep from snapping off the handle.

“Hasn’t healed—yet,” Ben corrected gently. “It will. Scars fade.”

Erik reached out and took hold of Ben’s hand. He kissed Ben’s knuckles. “I don’t deserve you.” That skirted dangerously close to the thoughts that haunted him.

Ben tipped Erik’s face up so that their eyes met. “Stop that. You’re amazing. I’m lucky to have you. We’re both a bit dented, so we’ll have to cover for each other. That’s all. There’s no one I’d rather be with, and I mean that with all my heart.”

Erik knew that his tough Jersey cop boyfriend didn’t bare his heart easily.I must have really scared him.

“Okay.” Erik knew better than to argue, even though his demons weren’t fully silenced.

“How about we order in and then curl up and watch movies?” Ben suggested. “Put everything else out of mind for tonight.”

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